lately i feel like every word that anyone says to me makes my organs rot just a little bit more.
my gut is at its lifeless state once again.
i should have just jumped on you right in front of Tine.
fucking made you mine.
come back and teach me how to make those bracelets again.
i wont give up this time, i promise.
i remember going home, calling caitlin, and telling her how cute you were.
...sorry that i never ever never never never ever ever never ever never never ever ever never blog.
am i alright?
...can i get you off my mind?
not quite.
i enjoy getting phone calls from you.
i enjoy hearing about your dreams.
i got a pair of pinstriped silky boxers and they are damn amazing and i look hot in them.
hate to brag...
the year of 2008 begins in less than an hour and i have no idea what my resolution is.
..maybe it can be "have a new years resolution by the time 2009 is near"
well it will work for now.
i'll build on it or something.
i'm excited for this whole cirque du soleil thing we're all going to on the 8th.
in san francisco.
then im excited for this whole marilyn manson CONcert that we might be going to sometime in march...
in san francisco.
mybestfriendMarisa has this thing with my brother, it's weird... and i'm not cool with it..
it's fucked up knowing that anyone can steal the only people i want in Life from me.
he's trying to steal her and she pretends she's creeped out by it.
but she just fucking loves it and i see it in her eyes and in her smile.
i'm off.
PS. i still cant tell if theres a body beneath my feet.
PS#2: i thought i was taking a picture until i looked up at the camera and saw it recording.
did something spontaneous.
this is fr you, Hammy.
...youtube makes me look gross. yuck.
goodnight.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
RE::::jealousy.
...you could have just done it.
it's not like you had to say anything. you could have gone about doing what you wanted to.
there aren't rules stating that you have to post just to fulfill my spare time.
do what you want.
you want to make a private blog?? um ...then do it.
no one should have to tell all their secrets.
sorry you made a mistake for giving me your information?
i feel like we're going to end up completely hating each other one day.
PS. ''you had me at ew.''
love/hate blog?
night.
it's not like you had to say anything. you could have gone about doing what you wanted to.
there aren't rules stating that you have to post just to fulfill my spare time.
do what you want.
you want to make a private blog?? um ...then do it.
no one should have to tell all their secrets.
sorry you made a mistake for giving me your information?
i feel like we're going to end up completely hating each other one day.
PS. ''you had me at ew.''
love/hate blog?
night.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
..said the ugly fuckling.
i don't blog too much anymore. every once in a while i guess. at least compared what i used to..
which was almost daily.
i love this new computer. i can now type as frantically as i want because it makes hardly any noise.
why don't i blog anymore?
because i'm over that girl, for the most part.
i still think about her. i thought about writing her, calling her...
i kind of miss being in love.
i realize i am one of the lucky few that got to experience what it really was.
...too bad she wasnt in love with me.
it's her loss, though.
another reason i don't blog: i'm not very emotional anymore. of course this has to do with the reason above, but i thought i'd state it anyways.
it seems like i don't have feelings anymore.
i'm not having ups or downs, im just inbetween.
completely neutral, and i'm not worrying about anyone else.
at the same time i'm not worried at all about myself.
i've been debating in which more of a mood i am in. which one fits me?
i can't tell if it's one of those "whose feet am i under again?" or a "who's under my feet for the first time?"
because i don't know if im stepping on people, or people are stepping on me.
i'm trapped beneath no one's shoes, i know this.
or maybe i'm just faking the CONfidence.
i put the CON in CONfidence, but that would be a CONtradiction...
"""if your taken i am yours, i'm up and doing circles.""""
repeat that ten times.
anyways, i've been wandering the house in my robe that i got for christmas from mary.
wearing nothing beneath it.
but right now i am wearing boxers beneath it, only because they're snug and i like the way my package feels in them.
anyways, i'm off.
PS: i rummaged through the garbage to find the box of oreos my mom threw away.
which was almost daily.
i love this new computer. i can now type as frantically as i want because it makes hardly any noise.
why don't i blog anymore?
because i'm over that girl, for the most part.
i still think about her. i thought about writing her, calling her...
i kind of miss being in love.
i realize i am one of the lucky few that got to experience what it really was.
...too bad she wasnt in love with me.
it's her loss, though.
another reason i don't blog: i'm not very emotional anymore. of course this has to do with the reason above, but i thought i'd state it anyways.
it seems like i don't have feelings anymore.
i'm not having ups or downs, im just inbetween.
completely neutral, and i'm not worrying about anyone else.
at the same time i'm not worried at all about myself.
i've been debating in which more of a mood i am in. which one fits me?
i can't tell if it's one of those "whose feet am i under again?" or a "who's under my feet for the first time?"
because i don't know if im stepping on people, or people are stepping on me.
i'm trapped beneath no one's shoes, i know this.
or maybe i'm just faking the CONfidence.
i put the CON in CONfidence, but that would be a CONtradiction...
"""if your taken i am yours, i'm up and doing circles.""""
repeat that ten times.
anyways, i've been wandering the house in my robe that i got for christmas from mary.
wearing nothing beneath it.
but right now i am wearing boxers beneath it, only because they're snug and i like the way my package feels in them.
anyways, i'm off.
PS: i rummaged through the garbage to find the box of oreos my mom threw away.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
christmas lights and weekly fights.
i never planned for you to find out.
especially like this.
i havent blogged since the 6th.
because 'i dont want to write about reese, i want to write about You.'
and how could i write about you secretly without you knowing?
create another blog account?
no. word's out.
too late for a brainstorm.
..maybe.
last night was the first time i purposely did not answer your phone call.
it was in my hand and started vibrating.
"Hammy?! is calling"
i held it in front of my face panicking and thinking WHAT DO I SAY WHAT DO I SAY?
my heart was pounding and i felt like i was going to throw up.
so i just looked at the phone. i looked at your name the whole entire time it rang.
wishing that it would stop shaking so the strange guilt would pass.
sometimes i wish i were you, just so i could see you.
right now i am listening to 'back in yr head.'
when i get a new computer on tuesday(hopefully) i will burn you a CD of The Con and other additional songs.
i'll make you a big christmas package. with candy and letters and cd's and postcards and other grand stuff....
but heres the deal: you have to promise me that you put it on your ipod.
or whatever form of being able to listen through earphones.
or, blast it.
here's the other deal: DON'T listen to the song 'i was married.'
its boring, and im not sure why they put it on their album.
reese just texted me.
i dont get excited when i see her name anymore.
im just curious as to what she has to say and why she did.
it was a picture of her face and she had a black eye.
her words arent working today.
her cuteness isnt.
if i ever start falling for her again, this is what i'll do:
i won't admit it and wont excercise the thoughts and provoking words.
i need to contain my self and i need rules for myself.
i wish i had a more sensible conscience.
it wanders too much.
i just told her i like you.
she said "that sucks. she loves her man. although me and her are gonna bang in front of josh. he said we could."
hah..way to try and bring me down.
im not replying.
im offf!
oh and im extremely EXCITED for the sister coming home on thursday/friday.
five weeks she'll be home.
yay.
'maybe i would have been something you'd be good at.'
i want to tell reese that.
'you're not worth my time.'
especially like this.
i havent blogged since the 6th.
because 'i dont want to write about reese, i want to write about You.'
and how could i write about you secretly without you knowing?
create another blog account?
no. word's out.
too late for a brainstorm.
..maybe.
last night was the first time i purposely did not answer your phone call.
it was in my hand and started vibrating.
"Hammy?! is calling"
i held it in front of my face panicking and thinking WHAT DO I SAY WHAT DO I SAY?
my heart was pounding and i felt like i was going to throw up.
so i just looked at the phone. i looked at your name the whole entire time it rang.
wishing that it would stop shaking so the strange guilt would pass.
sometimes i wish i were you, just so i could see you.
right now i am listening to 'back in yr head.'
when i get a new computer on tuesday(hopefully) i will burn you a CD of The Con and other additional songs.
i'll make you a big christmas package. with candy and letters and cd's and postcards and other grand stuff....
but heres the deal: you have to promise me that you put it on your ipod.
or whatever form of being able to listen through earphones.
or, blast it.
here's the other deal: DON'T listen to the song 'i was married.'
its boring, and im not sure why they put it on their album.
reese just texted me.
i dont get excited when i see her name anymore.
im just curious as to what she has to say and why she did.
it was a picture of her face and she had a black eye.
her words arent working today.
her cuteness isnt.
if i ever start falling for her again, this is what i'll do:
i won't admit it and wont excercise the thoughts and provoking words.
i need to contain my self and i need rules for myself.
i wish i had a more sensible conscience.
it wanders too much.
i just told her i like you.
she said "that sucks. she loves her man. although me and her are gonna bang in front of josh. he said we could."
hah..way to try and bring me down.
im not replying.
im offf!
oh and im extremely EXCITED for the sister coming home on thursday/friday.
five weeks she'll be home.
yay.
'maybe i would have been something you'd be good at.'
i want to tell reese that.
'you're not worth my time.'
Thursday, December 6, 2007
I Fell in Love
i feel like i havent updated in years.
i thought i'd get over with the every-blog question 'whatsgoingonwithreesetoday?' so i can move on with stuff that will leave my eyes empty.
she, in return, made me a mix of random songs. 'reese flavor.'
i have taken a seriously strange liking to the songs 'linger' by the cranberries, and butterfly flicking 'fade into you' by mazzy star.
"you know im such a fool for you.
you've got me wrapped around your finger.
do you have to let it linger?
do you have to?"
you told me to listen to 'fade into you' and pay attention to the lyrics.
i wasn't while listening, because sometimes i didnt know what she was singing, but i just looked up some of the lyrics.
"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath thats true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
Youll come apart and youll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with whats not there.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
A strangers light comes on slowly
A strangers heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
I think its strange you never knew"
are you trying to tell me through these lyrics that i'm afraid?
that i'm showing something i don't really have?
i texted you 'you had this song on your profile when you were in love with me.'
you ignored it and asked me how i liked the song by afroman on there.
you've got your eye on someone else. luigi.
...and quite frankly i'm not bothered.
must mean something.
my stomach still sinks, but it's been doing that all day for reasons i'll tell in a bit.
my moms being a total betch tonight.
she wont talk, she wont smile. she didnt eat.
she wont answer my questions.
like she found out something TERRIBLE i did.
maybe she did.
today, i learned two things.
#1: i'm in way more in love with females' voices than most males'.
not scared to admit it.
current bands: tegan & sara. the dresden dolls.
current songs: look above.
all by women.
i've actually known this for a very long time, just never thought about it.
#2: the most important lesson to date.
i learned today that you can be in Love with something else besides a person.
i am in Love with last night.
i am in Love with how Tegan constantly looked over at me. she had the crew turn on the lights dimly so she could look up at the balcony.
i am in Love with how tall i am; the only reason in the world for Tegan to see me.
i am in Love with how i was one of the only few dancing and belting out lyrics to every song at the top of my lungs.
i am in Love with how she waved at me when i waved at her.
i am in Love with how some people looked at me strangely.
i am in Love with the seats we got.
i am in Love with how i went up to the blonde guitarist chick from the opening band 'northern state' and hugged her after the concert.
i am in Love with how happy i was when tegan and sara walked on stage.
i am in Love with how they came back for an encore because the crowd was so fucking loud. (which included walking with a ghost, the living room, and i know i know i know)
to put it into simple words, i am in LOVE with every single second of last night.
from the opening band, to the main band. to mine, alex's, caitlin's and vinnies 'after party' at alexs apartment.
we all ate pizza, vitamin water, and chocolate pudding.
last night was one of the best nights of my life.
i miss last night.
i LOVE last night.
THAT'S why my stomach has been sinking all day.
because i miss it so much.
dear God, tegan and sara are the most amazing individuals on the planet in my book.
PS. guess whose most amazing night was spent completely sober?
goodnight friends.
i thought i'd get over with the every-blog question 'whatsgoingonwithreesetoday?' so i can move on with stuff that will leave my eyes empty.
she, in return, made me a mix of random songs. 'reese flavor.'
i have taken a seriously strange liking to the songs 'linger' by the cranberries, and butterfly flicking 'fade into you' by mazzy star.
"you know im such a fool for you.
you've got me wrapped around your finger.
do you have to let it linger?
do you have to?"
you told me to listen to 'fade into you' and pay attention to the lyrics.
i wasn't while listening, because sometimes i didnt know what she was singing, but i just looked up some of the lyrics.
"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath thats true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
Youll come apart and youll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with whats not there.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
A strangers light comes on slowly
A strangers heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
I think its strange you never knew"
are you trying to tell me through these lyrics that i'm afraid?
that i'm showing something i don't really have?
i texted you 'you had this song on your profile when you were in love with me.'
you ignored it and asked me how i liked the song by afroman on there.
you've got your eye on someone else. luigi.
...and quite frankly i'm not bothered.
must mean something.
my stomach still sinks, but it's been doing that all day for reasons i'll tell in a bit.
my moms being a total betch tonight.
she wont talk, she wont smile. she didnt eat.
she wont answer my questions.
like she found out something TERRIBLE i did.
maybe she did.
today, i learned two things.
#1: i'm in way more in love with females' voices than most males'.
not scared to admit it.
current bands: tegan & sara. the dresden dolls.
current songs: look above.
all by women.
i've actually known this for a very long time, just never thought about it.
#2: the most important lesson to date.
i learned today that you can be in Love with something else besides a person.
i am in Love with last night.
i am in Love with how Tegan constantly looked over at me. she had the crew turn on the lights dimly so she could look up at the balcony.
i am in Love with how tall i am; the only reason in the world for Tegan to see me.
i am in Love with how i was one of the only few dancing and belting out lyrics to every song at the top of my lungs.
i am in Love with how she waved at me when i waved at her.
i am in Love with how some people looked at me strangely.
i am in Love with the seats we got.
i am in Love with how i went up to the blonde guitarist chick from the opening band 'northern state' and hugged her after the concert.
i am in Love with how happy i was when tegan and sara walked on stage.
i am in Love with how they came back for an encore because the crowd was so fucking loud. (which included walking with a ghost, the living room, and i know i know i know)
to put it into simple words, i am in LOVE with every single second of last night.
from the opening band, to the main band. to mine, alex's, caitlin's and vinnies 'after party' at alexs apartment.
we all ate pizza, vitamin water, and chocolate pudding.
last night was one of the best nights of my life.
i miss last night.
i LOVE last night.
THAT'S why my stomach has been sinking all day.
because i miss it so much.
dear God, tegan and sara are the most amazing individuals on the planet in my book.
PS. guess whose most amazing night was spent completely sober?
goodnight friends.
Friday, November 30, 2007
putting holes in happiness
this sounds pathetic, but i can't remember the last time i cried over her.
...i decided that this is MY blog, not a devoting thirty-entried letter towards HER...
so this won't be for ''YOU'' anymore...it's for ME. and hammy..
sometimes i just can't help myself.
i constantly throw her questioning looks across the street.
because i always feel her staring at us.
(4, 5 days till concert)
(4, 5 days till i have a chance to maybe see the girl from kelseyville)
i imagine what she's talking about at the moment.
i hear her words in my head, even when they aren't real.
i hear her saying 'ohhh my god. last night was crazy' and then laughing with michaela.
i hear her bragging 'dayyuuumm we were fucked UP.'
i hear her talking shit about people. 'she needs to learn not to wear those pants.'
i hear her mouth going on and on about the same stuff.
it's come to the point where i can predict what a conversation with michaela and her would be when i'm there.
what else do they talk about?
boys. hints from reese about girls because she doesn't want michaela to know who she really is.
her best friend doesn't know her best-kept-secret.
why does she consider me a friend?
i'm her second choice. always.
i'm your gold when you could have emerald.
i want her to regret this. i want to pull through and make her regret this.
i want her to regret all the shit she's put me through.
she doesn't fucking deserve to have this effect on people.
who says she should have the priviledge to break our hearts?
i want the three cheers for sweet revenge.
something else i think is just plain bizarre:
she's trying to get back with laura for another night.
no PS.
...i decided that this is MY blog, not a devoting thirty-entried letter towards HER...
so this won't be for ''YOU'' anymore...it's for ME. and hammy..
sometimes i just can't help myself.
i constantly throw her questioning looks across the street.
because i always feel her staring at us.
(4, 5 days till concert)
(4, 5 days till i have a chance to maybe see the girl from kelseyville)
i imagine what she's talking about at the moment.
i hear her words in my head, even when they aren't real.
i hear her saying 'ohhh my god. last night was crazy' and then laughing with michaela.
i hear her bragging 'dayyuuumm we were fucked UP.'
i hear her talking shit about people. 'she needs to learn not to wear those pants.'
i hear her mouth going on and on about the same stuff.
it's come to the point where i can predict what a conversation with michaela and her would be when i'm there.
what else do they talk about?
boys. hints from reese about girls because she doesn't want michaela to know who she really is.
her best friend doesn't know her best-kept-secret.
why does she consider me a friend?
i'm her second choice. always.
i'm your gold when you could have emerald.
i want her to regret this. i want to pull through and make her regret this.
i want her to regret all the shit she's put me through.
she doesn't fucking deserve to have this effect on people.
who says she should have the priviledge to break our hearts?
i want the three cheers for sweet revenge.
something else i think is just plain bizarre:
she's trying to get back with laura for another night.
no PS.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
revolve/re-evolve IT
i realize that most of my titles dont make sense to my reader(s)...
don't feel alone, they don't make sense to me either.
look i rhymed
here are the rules: if i end up liking this blog, i'll tell you to go read.
here are the rules: if i think it's decent, i will simply say 'blogd.'
here are the rules: if its terrible and not what i hoped for, i'll let you discover it on your own.
how's that sound?
i should be in bed.
late night habits have turned into a trait over this past week.
it's hard to type quietly when my mind is ranting.
funny.. i'm not ranting at all.
i came here looking for something to do, to try and get something out of me.
there's something in me i can't get out.
do you ever feel like that?
there's something i NEED to write about, i know IT is there.
but i just don't know what IT is.
IT will transform this blog into something heavy and pathetic, which i don't want.
in other words, IT needs to be pulled aside, read, viewed, analyzed, and then tossed away into cyberspace.
like something you want to see for yourself, but not for others. in a selfish manner, not a fear of embarrassment.
does IT make sense?
maybe IT is what i'm writing about right now.
. . . but IT is still there.
my head is spinning. i'm having a grueling battle/search for IT.
hmm. i think i like this blog so far. maybe i'll tell you to read it.
JINX. rewind, please?
i could if i wanted to.
but backspace would erase IT.
here's the deal: if i become a vampire, i'll need followers. i can use you.
getting off topic. this blog is different than the other ones.
mostly because, for once, i'm writing about what's inside my head, not the world surrounding it.
am i writing about feelings? no. not today.
feelings are contageous to your own self.
i don't want to create a bigger prism of feelings.
IT is already big enough. in fact, i could probably break IT off into pieces and share it with all of you...
please? take your share of feelings.
they'll make you miserable. i promise.
what if it was possible to go around town onto people's doorsteps and sharing parts of this prism? like you could feel IT?
feel the feelings?
what if i could go around SELLING feelings?
i could make it into cake and fool all of you.
a slice of youth and happiness for the old fart.
a slice of desperation for the slut.
i COULD probably sell IT to you.
once i get my hands on IT.
dragging on about the mystery of IT is making me sleepy...
so i think i'll go to bed now.
maybe i'll post about IT tomorrow.
maybe not?
***POOOF.
i'm off.
PS. again, i don't have patience or phalanges stamina to leave a clinch on you kids.
eyes are closing. goodnight.
okay now i have a PS.
PS. you expected this to be about you, right?
i think everyone did.
don't feel alone, they don't make sense to me either.
look i rhymed
here are the rules: if i end up liking this blog, i'll tell you to go read.
here are the rules: if i think it's decent, i will simply say 'blogd.'
here are the rules: if its terrible and not what i hoped for, i'll let you discover it on your own.
how's that sound?
i should be in bed.
late night habits have turned into a trait over this past week.
it's hard to type quietly when my mind is ranting.
funny.. i'm not ranting at all.
i came here looking for something to do, to try and get something out of me.
there's something in me i can't get out.
do you ever feel like that?
there's something i NEED to write about, i know IT is there.
but i just don't know what IT is.
IT will transform this blog into something heavy and pathetic, which i don't want.
in other words, IT needs to be pulled aside, read, viewed, analyzed, and then tossed away into cyberspace.
like something you want to see for yourself, but not for others. in a selfish manner, not a fear of embarrassment.
does IT make sense?
maybe IT is what i'm writing about right now.
. . . but IT is still there.
my head is spinning. i'm having a grueling battle/search for IT.
hmm. i think i like this blog so far. maybe i'll tell you to read it.
JINX. rewind, please?
i could if i wanted to.
but backspace would erase IT.
here's the deal: if i become a vampire, i'll need followers. i can use you.
getting off topic. this blog is different than the other ones.
mostly because, for once, i'm writing about what's inside my head, not the world surrounding it.
am i writing about feelings? no. not today.
feelings are contageous to your own self.
i don't want to create a bigger prism of feelings.
IT is already big enough. in fact, i could probably break IT off into pieces and share it with all of you...
please? take your share of feelings.
they'll make you miserable. i promise.
what if it was possible to go around town onto people's doorsteps and sharing parts of this prism? like you could feel IT?
feel the feelings?
what if i could go around SELLING feelings?
i could make it into cake and fool all of you.
a slice of youth and happiness for the old fart.
a slice of desperation for the slut.
i COULD probably sell IT to you.
once i get my hands on IT.
dragging on about the mystery of IT is making me sleepy...
so i think i'll go to bed now.
maybe i'll post about IT tomorrow.
maybe not?
***POOOF.
i'm off.
PS. again, i don't have patience or phalanges stamina to leave a clinch on you kids.
eyes are closing. goodnight.
okay now i have a PS.
PS. you expected this to be about you, right?
i think everyone did.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
november going on december
i'm planning to keep this blog short.
i read your blogs. felt like browsing onto it and seeing if you had updated without telling me.
you did. it gave me something to do for a couple minutes.
analyzing it, reviewing the past ones.
'my emotions change faster than the latest trends.'
. . . i like that one.
i didnt get to see my sister much, either. it sucks because i was actually planning on it.
she was with jason in santa rosa for four days straight. she leaves to chico tonight.
i did get today with her, though.
we sat and played viva pinata all day. i made her teriyaki chicken.
she's still playing it a few feet behind me, winning new animals and expanding her garden, blurting random words that refer to nothing i know of.
i think about how sick i get (stick it on jealousy) of your words to jish.
i wonder how much more sickening it must be to read MY blogs, watching me complain, day after day, then turning around and writing love notes.
its because my emotions change faster than the latest trends.
that's why i like that one, hammy.
i'm bored with myself. i'm bored with the sun. i'm bored with cloverdale.
this list could go on forever.
life at home in cloverdale hasn't been satisfying for the past couple days.
feel like i'm invisible.
this break has gone by way, way, way, too fast.
my life consists of music and food. and that is not a damn lie.
i've started the ten-day countdown towards the tegan and sara concert.
i'm kind of wishing it will be postponed, because after december fifth, what will i have to look forward to? christmas?
not really.
christmas break, more like it. . . alright. i've convinced myself. i'm excited for christmas break.
still hoping that on the day of december fifth we can stop in your town.
i'm off. this blog has no patience for a PS.
i read your blogs. felt like browsing onto it and seeing if you had updated without telling me.
you did. it gave me something to do for a couple minutes.
analyzing it, reviewing the past ones.
'my emotions change faster than the latest trends.'
. . . i like that one.
i didnt get to see my sister much, either. it sucks because i was actually planning on it.
she was with jason in santa rosa for four days straight. she leaves to chico tonight.
i did get today with her, though.
we sat and played viva pinata all day. i made her teriyaki chicken.
she's still playing it a few feet behind me, winning new animals and expanding her garden, blurting random words that refer to nothing i know of.
i think about how sick i get (stick it on jealousy) of your words to jish.
i wonder how much more sickening it must be to read MY blogs, watching me complain, day after day, then turning around and writing love notes.
its because my emotions change faster than the latest trends.
that's why i like that one, hammy.
i'm bored with myself. i'm bored with the sun. i'm bored with cloverdale.
this list could go on forever.
life at home in cloverdale hasn't been satisfying for the past couple days.
feel like i'm invisible.
this break has gone by way, way, way, too fast.
my life consists of music and food. and that is not a damn lie.
i've started the ten-day countdown towards the tegan and sara concert.
i'm kind of wishing it will be postponed, because after december fifth, what will i have to look forward to? christmas?
not really.
christmas break, more like it. . . alright. i've convinced myself. i'm excited for christmas break.
still hoping that on the day of december fifth we can stop in your town.
i'm off. this blog has no patience for a PS.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
on being in rain, and inside of rain surrounding the rain i'm inside of.
i fucking love how harshly the rain is pounding on the pavement.
i fucking love how it was raining all day.
....i'm thinking of you every second.
i remember when you, vinnie, and i went to see a movie.
i was all snuggled in a blanket.
you were slumping against me, with yer head against my shoulder.
my arm was pinned, and how regretfully stupid i felt about you being on me and me not being on you was terrible.
being near you still makes my heart beat faster and faster.
...that's why this feeling isn't easy to block out.
it's not easy at all.
it's still hard to accept the fact that you can't commit.
it's sad to know you don't love me the way i always thought you did when you said it.
'you suit me perfectly.' you said last summer.
i wish i could have appreciated that more.
i think i've said this, but our roles were switched.
you loved me then. i didn't realize it until later.
i remember being told 'you're so stupid chris. after all this time you've liked her, she likes you, and you don't like her back.'
i wish we could incorporate the way we used to be, and the way we are now into one relationship.
i wish too much.
back to the rain.
i wasn't paying attention to anyone today.
just to myself, my thoughts, and you.
.
'i want you in my bed.' you said to me during last month's first rain.
ditto.
i fucking love how it was raining all day.
....i'm thinking of you every second.
i remember when you, vinnie, and i went to see a movie.
i was all snuggled in a blanket.
you were slumping against me, with yer head against my shoulder.
my arm was pinned, and how regretfully stupid i felt about you being on me and me not being on you was terrible.
being near you still makes my heart beat faster and faster.
...that's why this feeling isn't easy to block out.
it's not easy at all.
it's still hard to accept the fact that you can't commit.
it's sad to know you don't love me the way i always thought you did when you said it.
'you suit me perfectly.' you said last summer.
i wish i could have appreciated that more.
i think i've said this, but our roles were switched.
you loved me then. i didn't realize it until later.
i remember being told 'you're so stupid chris. after all this time you've liked her, she likes you, and you don't like her back.'
i wish we could incorporate the way we used to be, and the way we are now into one relationship.
i wish too much.
back to the rain.
i wasn't paying attention to anyone today.
just to myself, my thoughts, and you.
.
'i want you in my bed.' you said to me during last month's first rain.
ditto.
Monday, October 1, 2007
on brink of swelling.
i would first like to start off with amanda palmer.
it sounds funny to say that i really do love her.
i've never met her and she's twice my age.
i care for that woman.
and i would like to cuddle with her, if that counts for anything.
every bit of her amazes me.
http://vimeo.com/321573
i CANNOT stop watching this 30 second clip.
i soak up every little centi second of it.
i can't wait until the whole thing is released.
funny thing about it is this song and video was recorded not even an hour away from my home.
just past rohnert park, in cotati.
i used to go there almost every week when i was about seven.
we would pass by that studio 'prairie sun' and i always loved the way it looked.
anyways, i actually talked to you today.
i greeted you with 'reeeese wiiiseee..'
and blah.
'we can still be friends'
still bugs me how it sounded like you're breaking up with me.
it's hard for me to see us as just friends.
i'm sure it always was and always can be easy for you to see, but not here.
i've had those feelings for you for so long.
i've imagined it and wanted it one way for the past years, and watching that vision crumble is painful.
you kill me.
from my last blog: "i know you love me reese.
you love me a whole fucking lot,
as a person and as a friend.
nothing more.
"you know i love you reese.
i love you a whole fucking lot,
as a person and as a friend.
nothing more."
today i was standing in the hallway with my elbow on the windowsill and looking outside.
you appeared in front of me out of nowhere.
i looked at you curiously and smiled without any words.
you looked at me and around the hallway.
then michaela came and dragged you to class and i watched you walk down the hallway.
it's those things that make you think about you.
those things that make me fall for you.
it didn't work today.
you're not my full focus anymore.
you could be, but i'm not yours and you're not looking for a focus.
you're a sex fein and you just wanna party...
'i just don't want you to give up on me.'
i'm still arguing with myself over that statement.
why shouldnt i, i have every reason to...recite recite.
because it's the truth.
there is no reason i shouldn't give up on you.
surprising how my feelings for you seemed to suddenly fall flat after that little conversation.
i saw the beginning of a movie and a line in it was "do you ever come across one of those 'empty shell' people? you see them and you think 'what the HELL happened to them?'
sometimes i wonder if people think that about me.
this summer was absolutely no doubt about it, with my suicidal self and cuts i gave myself on my belly.
but i wonder if people wonder that about me.
people have always told me there's something they couldn't figure out about me.
i'm mysterious, i guess.
anyways, i'm cutting this blog short.
...devilish to say, sometimes i want you to regret all of this one day.
goodbye.
it sounds funny to say that i really do love her.
i've never met her and she's twice my age.
i care for that woman.
and i would like to cuddle with her, if that counts for anything.
every bit of her amazes me.
http://vimeo.com/321573
i CANNOT stop watching this 30 second clip.
i soak up every little centi second of it.
i can't wait until the whole thing is released.
funny thing about it is this song and video was recorded not even an hour away from my home.
just past rohnert park, in cotati.
i used to go there almost every week when i was about seven.
we would pass by that studio 'prairie sun' and i always loved the way it looked.
anyways, i actually talked to you today.
i greeted you with 'reeeese wiiiseee..'
and blah.
'we can still be friends'
still bugs me how it sounded like you're breaking up with me.
it's hard for me to see us as just friends.
i'm sure it always was and always can be easy for you to see, but not here.
i've had those feelings for you for so long.
i've imagined it and wanted it one way for the past years, and watching that vision crumble is painful.
you kill me.
from my last blog: "i know you love me reese.
you love me a whole fucking lot,
as a person and as a friend.
nothing more.
"you know i love you reese.
i love you a whole fucking lot,
as a person and as a friend.
nothing more."
today i was standing in the hallway with my elbow on the windowsill and looking outside.
you appeared in front of me out of nowhere.
i looked at you curiously and smiled without any words.
you looked at me and around the hallway.
then michaela came and dragged you to class and i watched you walk down the hallway.
it's those things that make you think about you.
those things that make me fall for you.
it didn't work today.
you're not my full focus anymore.
you could be, but i'm not yours and you're not looking for a focus.
you're a sex fein and you just wanna party...
'i just don't want you to give up on me.'
i'm still arguing with myself over that statement.
why shouldnt i, i have every reason to...recite recite.
because it's the truth.
there is no reason i shouldn't give up on you.
surprising how my feelings for you seemed to suddenly fall flat after that little conversation.
i saw the beginning of a movie and a line in it was "do you ever come across one of those 'empty shell' people? you see them and you think 'what the HELL happened to them?'
sometimes i wonder if people think that about me.
this summer was absolutely no doubt about it, with my suicidal self and cuts i gave myself on my belly.
but i wonder if people wonder that about me.
people have always told me there's something they couldn't figure out about me.
i'm mysterious, i guess.
anyways, i'm cutting this blog short.
...devilish to say, sometimes i want you to regret all of this one day.
goodbye.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ten
im sleepy, but restless.
i was laying in my bed with the window open.
not sure why...i like the contrast of cool air on my face while my body is warm.
i feel like you're keeping secrets from me.
we're on number 2 as of right now, i believe.
i'm aching for explanations.
today sucked.
and ham being angry with me didn't make it better.
...bite me.
i remember when you liked me, reese.
i wish i could have soaked it in more when you did.
i didnt like you then. it was on and off again.
late last year, you were me and i was you.
you were the one that sent me sweet texts, i was the one that never answered.
its plain sad.
i remember i had said something that ended with '...suits you perfectly.'
you replied 'you suit me perfectly.'
i didnt hear the phone vibrate for that text, but two minutes later i did and your text said 'you better reply to my amazing pick up line.'
i miss that. more than anything. truly.
i remember you always used to call me, and always brag to marisa how much we talked.
you and marisa then mentioned the upcoming dance, in which marisa was about to ask me to go with her [over the phone] until you two discussed it quietly.
you were planning to ask me. but THAT whole thing was two years ago.
lately you say you love me, and i wonder if you mean it.
i say it to you, and there's no doubt.
i JUST got your text.
'i am a sex fein. boy or girl i need love. so i cannot commit to one person. i can not do it. may sound dumb but it seriously takes over my life.
...as of just now, i do doubt that 'i love you.'
ironic.
i said '...is that your secret?'
you said 'yes. your so important to me. i love you. but i just cant back commit. i back out.'
i said 'oh. i see.'
you said 'so now you know. i sense your mad at me.'
i said '...you disappoint me. goodnight.'
thanks for breaking my heart once again.
have a nice fucking life.
goodnight.
i was laying in my bed with the window open.
not sure why...i like the contrast of cool air on my face while my body is warm.
i feel like you're keeping secrets from me.
we're on number 2 as of right now, i believe.
i'm aching for explanations.
today sucked.
and ham being angry with me didn't make it better.
...bite me.
i remember when you liked me, reese.
i wish i could have soaked it in more when you did.
i didnt like you then. it was on and off again.
late last year, you were me and i was you.
you were the one that sent me sweet texts, i was the one that never answered.
its plain sad.
i remember i had said something that ended with '...suits you perfectly.'
you replied 'you suit me perfectly.'
i didnt hear the phone vibrate for that text, but two minutes later i did and your text said 'you better reply to my amazing pick up line.'
i miss that. more than anything. truly.
i remember you always used to call me, and always brag to marisa how much we talked.
you and marisa then mentioned the upcoming dance, in which marisa was about to ask me to go with her [over the phone] until you two discussed it quietly.
you were planning to ask me. but THAT whole thing was two years ago.
lately you say you love me, and i wonder if you mean it.
i say it to you, and there's no doubt.
i JUST got your text.
'i am a sex fein. boy or girl i need love. so i cannot commit to one person. i can not do it. may sound dumb but it seriously takes over my life.
...as of just now, i do doubt that 'i love you.'
ironic.
i said '...is that your secret?'
you said 'yes. your so important to me. i love you. but i just cant back commit. i back out.'
i said 'oh. i see.'
you said 'so now you know. i sense your mad at me.'
i said '...you disappoint me. goodnight.'
thanks for breaking my heart once again.
have a nice fucking life.
goodnight.
first day
i think yesterday was my favorite day of the year, so far...
it couldn't have been more perfect, unless those girls from kelseyville had come down....
or you had come over. maybe.
i spent almost all day inside. i had on my horrid plaid pajamas, some scrounge blue shirt, and my lovely grungy bleach-stained sweater.
i loved every second of it.
i know what you mean. 'today smells like march.'
sometimes i feel like the smells of the air put me in different parts of the world or different parts of the year.
that's how yesterday was.
'it smells like october.'
there's no doubt about it, october is my favorite month of the year.
i think today's the first day of autumn?
i love how everything changes.
anyways. i love looking outside in the middle of the day to just see gray, with pouring rain.
sounds like my personality and taste has a lack of color.
there's a small chance that today could be like that, because i see grey..i also see the sun shining.
yesterday, i went into my room. i turned on my cozy lamp and the little christmas lights hung around my walls.
i pushed play on my ipod, hooked up to my stereo. 'delilah.'
'mrs. o'
'gravity'
i got on my bed, stood on my knees, and opened up the window all the way.
i put my elbows on my windowsill and looked outside.
the rain gave the air a crisp smell.
it was fresh, like it hasn't rained in forever.
i took deep breaths and let the cool air flow in with the music.
i loved it.
i texted you saying 'lawl. i want you so bad right now.'
you said 'the rain=]'
i can see you everyday and still miss you.
and i really do.
but i don't want you to know.
sorry this blog sucked.
i wish i could go with you to seattle. 'the city known for its rain.'
jealous, pretty much...
sad i dont get to see you.
excited to see blammy still.
i made jello yesterday.
bye.
it couldn't have been more perfect, unless those girls from kelseyville had come down....
or you had come over. maybe.
i spent almost all day inside. i had on my horrid plaid pajamas, some scrounge blue shirt, and my lovely grungy bleach-stained sweater.
i loved every second of it.
i know what you mean. 'today smells like march.'
sometimes i feel like the smells of the air put me in different parts of the world or different parts of the year.
that's how yesterday was.
'it smells like october.'
there's no doubt about it, october is my favorite month of the year.
i think today's the first day of autumn?
i love how everything changes.
anyways. i love looking outside in the middle of the day to just see gray, with pouring rain.
sounds like my personality and taste has a lack of color.
there's a small chance that today could be like that, because i see grey..i also see the sun shining.
yesterday, i went into my room. i turned on my cozy lamp and the little christmas lights hung around my walls.
i pushed play on my ipod, hooked up to my stereo. 'delilah.'
'mrs. o'
'gravity'
i got on my bed, stood on my knees, and opened up the window all the way.
i put my elbows on my windowsill and looked outside.
the rain gave the air a crisp smell.
it was fresh, like it hasn't rained in forever.
i took deep breaths and let the cool air flow in with the music.
i loved it.
i texted you saying 'lawl. i want you so bad right now.'
you said 'the rain=]'
i can see you everyday and still miss you.
and i really do.
but i don't want you to know.
sorry this blog sucked.
i wish i could go with you to seattle. 'the city known for its rain.'
jealous, pretty much...
sad i dont get to see you.
excited to see blammy still.
i made jello yesterday.
bye.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
shooting your blown kisses.
in math everday, during first period, i never have to look at any sort of clock.
i sit near the window, and when i see the sun peaking over the close redwood tree, i know there's about ten minutes left.
we turn the lights off every day so we can see the overhead better.
the only source of light that flows into the room is from the sun, of course.
the sun stares me right in the face, every day in math.
it's in my eyes, shines off my arms, and glares off anything on me it can find.
i feel over-exposed for some strange reason.
like i'm the only one in a sea of people who you can fully see.
like i'm under some spotlight. i hate it, everyday.
'it's just like what you said to me: michaela and reese are only skin deep. reese tells you everything, things michaela doesn't know about. that's how marisa and i are. marisa tells me EVERYTHING, but i don't tell HER everything. i tell you everything. this all leads to you.'
i said that to veronica last week over the phone.
it was a night of blankness, last wednesday.
my dad had called, and i told him i had no plans for my birthday.
later, he talked to nick. nick mentioned my name on the phone and then started laughing.
when he was off, i said 'what were you laughing about...'
he laughed and shook his head.
i went into my room and called veronica.
built up my stories about how my dad thinks he knows everyone, based on what they're doing and what kind of life they live.
because he's so fucking materialistic and judgmental, and talks behind people's backs like he's twelve.
by the middle of my stories she said sympathetically 'are you crying?'
to where i broke down and stressed out about everything.
such a strange crier, i am...not a loud one. very quiet, with a low, shaking voice. i grasp my forehead and pull back my hair compulsively. i take breaths like i've had so many things on my chest for a lifetime.
i apologized to her continually, and said disgustingly 'oh my GAWD...' many, many times when i was finishing, like i hated myself.
she would say it's alright and to let it out.
i love her like i love no one else.
and no one, NO ONE makes me laugh harder.
wouldnt even BEGIN to bother about writing what she says and does, because its impossible.
and i do tell her everything.
today you yelled my name at the end of lunch and dramatically blew me a kiss.
you looked in front of yourself halfway between the movement, so i dont think you noticed me when i took my hand from my lips,
formed a gun, aimed, closed one eye and focused and 'shot' the flying lips.
sometimes it seems like you're scared to show anything that will give you away.
you never look at me when you say anything.
just like when you blew that kiss.
when you say 'hi chris..' you aim your head forwards.
at lunch last week, when i was standing in line and watching you and veronica sitting on the benches looking at me,
i stood and looked at you and just SMILED with teeth and all.
you did so back, and i just smiled at you for a few seconds, sort of testing you.
you smiled, but often darted your eyes off to the side strangely.
you looked absolutely adorable, but it still bothers me...
not sure. blah.. sickofschool.
bottomlineilovemarisaandweregoingtoitalyandeffingreecethissummer.
my moms signing me up tomorrow....
BYE.
i sit near the window, and when i see the sun peaking over the close redwood tree, i know there's about ten minutes left.
we turn the lights off every day so we can see the overhead better.
the only source of light that flows into the room is from the sun, of course.
the sun stares me right in the face, every day in math.
it's in my eyes, shines off my arms, and glares off anything on me it can find.
i feel over-exposed for some strange reason.
like i'm the only one in a sea of people who you can fully see.
like i'm under some spotlight. i hate it, everyday.
'it's just like what you said to me: michaela and reese are only skin deep. reese tells you everything, things michaela doesn't know about. that's how marisa and i are. marisa tells me EVERYTHING, but i don't tell HER everything. i tell you everything. this all leads to you.'
i said that to veronica last week over the phone.
it was a night of blankness, last wednesday.
my dad had called, and i told him i had no plans for my birthday.
later, he talked to nick. nick mentioned my name on the phone and then started laughing.
when he was off, i said 'what were you laughing about...'
he laughed and shook his head.
i went into my room and called veronica.
built up my stories about how my dad thinks he knows everyone, based on what they're doing and what kind of life they live.
because he's so fucking materialistic and judgmental, and talks behind people's backs like he's twelve.
by the middle of my stories she said sympathetically 'are you crying?'
to where i broke down and stressed out about everything.
such a strange crier, i am...not a loud one. very quiet, with a low, shaking voice. i grasp my forehead and pull back my hair compulsively. i take breaths like i've had so many things on my chest for a lifetime.
i apologized to her continually, and said disgustingly 'oh my GAWD...' many, many times when i was finishing, like i hated myself.
she would say it's alright and to let it out.
i love her like i love no one else.
and no one, NO ONE makes me laugh harder.
wouldnt even BEGIN to bother about writing what she says and does, because its impossible.
and i do tell her everything.
today you yelled my name at the end of lunch and dramatically blew me a kiss.
you looked in front of yourself halfway between the movement, so i dont think you noticed me when i took my hand from my lips,
formed a gun, aimed, closed one eye and focused and 'shot' the flying lips.
sometimes it seems like you're scared to show anything that will give you away.
you never look at me when you say anything.
just like when you blew that kiss.
when you say 'hi chris..' you aim your head forwards.
at lunch last week, when i was standing in line and watching you and veronica sitting on the benches looking at me,
i stood and looked at you and just SMILED with teeth and all.
you did so back, and i just smiled at you for a few seconds, sort of testing you.
you smiled, but often darted your eyes off to the side strangely.
you looked absolutely adorable, but it still bothers me...
not sure. blah.. sickofschool.
bottomlineilovemarisaandweregoingtoitalyandeffingreecethissummer.
my moms signing me up tomorrow....
BYE.
Friday, September 14, 2007
birthday. ruined.
woke up today with hope and excitement for the day.
straddled on my jeans and a shirt and left.
i like how nice people were being to me today. it was a fun change.
people gave me brownies, and money....
then at lunch you showed up and got in line with me.
you wrapped your arm inside of mine properly.
i hunched down a little bit and grasped yours.
'ah. you're too tall for me.' and you let go.
...funny.
you were always the tall girl, and complained about not having a guy taller than you.
funny, funny, funny...i waste my time worrying about not being tall enough and now that i am, i'm TOO tall...
wouldn't have cared if you didn't say it a second time when i mentioned your text i had just received of you saying 'are you here today? i want to give you a hug!'
and you said 'oh. i was going to. but you're too tall. maybe later.'
my day just started getting slightly worse, like it was building up into one big mess.
thats BASICALLY what it did...
in biology some kid kept placing a home-made sticker on my back that said 'i love little boys.'
he did a couple times without me knowing, until marisa [sitting behind me] said "ok. stop. seriously. it's not funny."
then he said he thought it was, and people told him to grow up, me being completely oblivious to what was going on...
sometimes i think of the things i have. theres so much i have, and so much i don't.
when i think of the things i don't have,
i always end up thinking about you.
you have no idea in the whole entire world, not a CLUE as to how empty and terrible it makes me feel.
theres not a particle in your body that feels what i do. honestly.
i was walking with you and veronica home.
when it came to the turn on my street, you both turned with me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and eating cake.
marisa called me.
i answered, she was angry with me because reese was with me.
[right now my moms chewing me out because bella peed]
now marisa was mad at me. there was more to it, but i dont feel like writing it.
reese got a phone call and then told me news of having to go to san francisco tomorrow with the volleyball varsity.
'WHAT'i said.
'yeah....' she said.
so basically our plans have diminished. then it became awkward, and reese went into the living room and i exchanged looks with veronica, darting my eyes to reese and giving strange, quiet looks of annoyedness and whatthefuck-ness.
conversation became smaller, and the quietness in the room made it so obvious we were communicating about her with our faces.
they were leaving,
veronica gave me a hug while i was sitting on my stool.
i did an 'AHEM' towards reese where she smiled with soda in her mouth.
'get up' she said. walked towards her weirdly and said 'sorry im too tall far you reese.'
hunched once again and hugged her. felt like nothing.
you handed me your soda and said 'you can have this.'
when you were gone out the door, i took a sip.
it tasted bitter, so i threw it away.
straddled on my jeans and a shirt and left.
i like how nice people were being to me today. it was a fun change.
people gave me brownies, and money....
then at lunch you showed up and got in line with me.
you wrapped your arm inside of mine properly.
i hunched down a little bit and grasped yours.
'ah. you're too tall for me.' and you let go.
...funny.
you were always the tall girl, and complained about not having a guy taller than you.
funny, funny, funny...i waste my time worrying about not being tall enough and now that i am, i'm TOO tall...
wouldn't have cared if you didn't say it a second time when i mentioned your text i had just received of you saying 'are you here today? i want to give you a hug!'
and you said 'oh. i was going to. but you're too tall. maybe later.'
my day just started getting slightly worse, like it was building up into one big mess.
thats BASICALLY what it did...
in biology some kid kept placing a home-made sticker on my back that said 'i love little boys.'
he did a couple times without me knowing, until marisa [sitting behind me] said "ok. stop. seriously. it's not funny."
then he said he thought it was, and people told him to grow up, me being completely oblivious to what was going on...
sometimes i think of the things i have. theres so much i have, and so much i don't.
when i think of the things i don't have,
i always end up thinking about you.
you have no idea in the whole entire world, not a CLUE as to how empty and terrible it makes me feel.
theres not a particle in your body that feels what i do. honestly.
i was walking with you and veronica home.
when it came to the turn on my street, you both turned with me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and eating cake.
marisa called me.
i answered, she was angry with me because reese was with me.
[right now my moms chewing me out because bella peed]
now marisa was mad at me. there was more to it, but i dont feel like writing it.
reese got a phone call and then told me news of having to go to san francisco tomorrow with the volleyball varsity.
'WHAT'i said.
'yeah....' she said.
so basically our plans have diminished. then it became awkward, and reese went into the living room and i exchanged looks with veronica, darting my eyes to reese and giving strange, quiet looks of annoyedness and whatthefuck-ness.
conversation became smaller, and the quietness in the room made it so obvious we were communicating about her with our faces.
they were leaving,
veronica gave me a hug while i was sitting on my stool.
i did an 'AHEM' towards reese where she smiled with soda in her mouth.
'get up' she said. walked towards her weirdly and said 'sorry im too tall far you reese.'
hunched once again and hugged her. felt like nothing.
you handed me your soda and said 'you can have this.'
when you were gone out the door, i took a sip.
it tasted bitter, so i threw it away.
Monday, September 10, 2007
PINk.
i want winter to come, so i can snuggle you in my bed and kiss you.
we'd look out of my window and see a flourishing mass of gray spreading side to side of the roof of the sky.
it would heave down water and let every crack in the ground inhale it for hours.
and we'd just cuddle, thinking of how lucky we are to be warm, and feel sorry for all the little snails and bugs and unsheltered life.
it's what i want. pretty much...
and...still think i should know your 'secret'.
have every right for an explanation, but i don't want to write about that....
i'm glad we have plans on my birthday.
this is one of the few birthday's i'm even excited about.
i'm not sure why.
probably because when we're drunk in the movies, we'll be falling all over each other and i can make it seem like you're mine.
because i love you, if you haven't noticed...
you're my everything.
no matter how much i honestly try to not show it lately...
i smile like the cheshire cat when i'm with you.
PS. sorry this blog was readable in two seconds.
we'd look out of my window and see a flourishing mass of gray spreading side to side of the roof of the sky.
it would heave down water and let every crack in the ground inhale it for hours.
and we'd just cuddle, thinking of how lucky we are to be warm, and feel sorry for all the little snails and bugs and unsheltered life.
it's what i want. pretty much...
and...still think i should know your 'secret'.
have every right for an explanation, but i don't want to write about that....
i'm glad we have plans on my birthday.
this is one of the few birthday's i'm even excited about.
i'm not sure why.
probably because when we're drunk in the movies, we'll be falling all over each other and i can make it seem like you're mine.
because i love you, if you haven't noticed...
you're my everything.
no matter how much i honestly try to not show it lately...
i smile like the cheshire cat when i'm with you.
PS. sorry this blog was readable in two seconds.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Trustfund secret
thought i'd start out with the simple things and finish off with what's really been buzzing.
i'll probably forget this rule after a couple paragraphs so beware, and don't hold charges...
i feel like i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm used to not having a myspace.
it's nice, really...
i'm not wandering aimlessly around people's profiles waiting for new comments.
anyways, i was wandering aimlessly around my inbox in my cellular. [funny, right?]
looking at marisa's texts.
they make me smile.
i read one at the end of the day right after school that i never got because my phone was off.
'wanna eat lunch together?'
it made me smile.
i'm not sure why. just thought it was really cute.
'i look at temporal bodies as slingshots being pushed, and when they die, the trigger is released. i'd like to think sasha is getting the ride of her life right now.'
i wrote that in my essay on the five-minutes-from-lifeline.
about the whole putting sasha down ordeal.
sometimes, i wonder who really started the negativity part of death.
i mean, it has to have all started with one person, right?
i'd like to hit that person who discovered what death really is.
in spanish we learned about mexican culture.
on halloween, they go to the graveyard and have a party.
rather than mourning, they reminisce and celebrate.
they tell stories of their loved ones who had died, and bring foods that person liked.
i think that's amazing.
i wish everyone had that view on death.
sorry i can't write tonight. dry spell. can't think fully.
talked to reese about the whole rudeness thing.
apologized, really...
because i wanted to [try] and figure her out.
she says she loves me. i've partly come to believe her.
i was on the phone with veronica, and told her ALL about how i felt about reese.
i didn't care if she told her, and she did.
reese said 'the only thing i backed out on was the going out thing, and i wouldnt expect you to understand why. but you act like i dont mean it when i say i love you. you don't know.'
?????
veronica told me that reese told her there's a reason she says things like that and then backs out.
from what i've heard, it's EXTREMELY personal and secretive, and veronica's the only one that knows, and reese doesn't want me to know.
they truly believe i will not understand at all.
i'm not saying i will understand, but i deserve an explanation more than anything.
after all that i've been put through?
completely unfair...
sorry this blog was so gossip-filled. i hate those. so i hate this.
goodnight.
i'll probably forget this rule after a couple paragraphs so beware, and don't hold charges...
i feel like i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm used to not having a myspace.
it's nice, really...
i'm not wandering aimlessly around people's profiles waiting for new comments.
anyways, i was wandering aimlessly around my inbox in my cellular. [funny, right?]
looking at marisa's texts.
they make me smile.
i read one at the end of the day right after school that i never got because my phone was off.
'wanna eat lunch together?'
it made me smile.
i'm not sure why. just thought it was really cute.
'i look at temporal bodies as slingshots being pushed, and when they die, the trigger is released. i'd like to think sasha is getting the ride of her life right now.'
i wrote that in my essay on the five-minutes-from-lifeline.
about the whole putting sasha down ordeal.
sometimes, i wonder who really started the negativity part of death.
i mean, it has to have all started with one person, right?
i'd like to hit that person who discovered what death really is.
in spanish we learned about mexican culture.
on halloween, they go to the graveyard and have a party.
rather than mourning, they reminisce and celebrate.
they tell stories of their loved ones who had died, and bring foods that person liked.
i think that's amazing.
i wish everyone had that view on death.
sorry i can't write tonight. dry spell. can't think fully.
talked to reese about the whole rudeness thing.
apologized, really...
because i wanted to [try] and figure her out.
she says she loves me. i've partly come to believe her.
i was on the phone with veronica, and told her ALL about how i felt about reese.
i didn't care if she told her, and she did.
reese said 'the only thing i backed out on was the going out thing, and i wouldnt expect you to understand why. but you act like i dont mean it when i say i love you. you don't know.'
?????
veronica told me that reese told her there's a reason she says things like that and then backs out.
from what i've heard, it's EXTREMELY personal and secretive, and veronica's the only one that knows, and reese doesn't want me to know.
they truly believe i will not understand at all.
i'm not saying i will understand, but i deserve an explanation more than anything.
after all that i've been put through?
completely unfair...
sorry this blog was so gossip-filled. i hate those. so i hate this.
goodnight.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
raindrops in your hairdryer
its about ten in the morning..
tomorrow's labor day, so thank goodness i have another night to sleep in before i have to go back to 'that one place'....
just hit me you start school tuesday. excited? yeah, i didn't think so...
my blogging buddy and i haven't talked in a while.
it's fine though...i think we've both been pretty busy.
i fell asleep in the movies last night. i leaned over onto the seat next to me and contorted my body painfully.
it didn't work for long.
we're both feeding off each other's blogs..
at least i am.
it's funny, and nice to see our style's of writing rub off on one another.
..must be our obsession with lyrics and good phrases....
'she's the kind of girl who looks for love in all the lonely places,
the kind who comes to poker, pockets stuffed with kings and aces'
'she's the kind of girl who only asks you over when it's raining,
just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling'
...the kind who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her.
'she's the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser,
just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her'
haven't talked to the reese.
a couple texts yesterday, but minimal.
she had asked why i didnt go to the party friday night.
this blog was effing boring.
my heart swells when i imagine what the football field will turn into when you arrive.
a fairyland, perhaps..
i can't wait.
i'll update tomorrow.
maybe tonight if something goes on....
lataaaaaa.
tomorrow's labor day, so thank goodness i have another night to sleep in before i have to go back to 'that one place'....
just hit me you start school tuesday. excited? yeah, i didn't think so...
my blogging buddy and i haven't talked in a while.
it's fine though...i think we've both been pretty busy.
i fell asleep in the movies last night. i leaned over onto the seat next to me and contorted my body painfully.
it didn't work for long.
we're both feeding off each other's blogs..
at least i am.
it's funny, and nice to see our style's of writing rub off on one another.
..must be our obsession with lyrics and good phrases....
'she's the kind of girl who looks for love in all the lonely places,
the kind who comes to poker, pockets stuffed with kings and aces'
'she's the kind of girl who only asks you over when it's raining,
just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling'
...the kind who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her.
'she's the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser,
just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her'
haven't talked to the reese.
a couple texts yesterday, but minimal.
she had asked why i didnt go to the party friday night.
this blog was effing boring.
my heart swells when i imagine what the football field will turn into when you arrive.
a fairyland, perhaps..
i can't wait.
i'll update tomorrow.
maybe tonight if something goes on....
lataaaaaa.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
will let go at any price.
i've been ignoring you lately.
i've been fully aware of it, actually.
i walked past you and veronica.
'hey veeee' i said to her.
'hi chris' you said.
'....hi' i said unconvincingly.
'you don't even look at me!' you yelled.
i was walking away and turned around and looked at you.
'what did I DO?!?' you questioned.
'nothing, just forget it.'
i turned around and kept walking.
ten feet behind me you screamed 'i love you!'
i didnt turn around, just said 'uh-huh...'
you screamed again 'I LOVE YOUU!'
'RIGHT!' i yelled back.
i wanted to say it back more than anything, and less than anything.
i'm resisting you.
even if i did say it back, we'd be speaking the same words to each other that meant completely different things.
you love me?
...you dont adore me and you dont think im crazy amazing.
you don't think about me every second.
you say a lot of things you dont mean.
from 'i love you' to 'i've never felt this way before' to 'we're going out next year, okay?'
yeah...whatever happened to that?
i remember you said 'so i was thinking about what it would look like when we're together.'
i asked what you meant and you said, 'lots of black'
......i think i've pulled that off pretty amazingly so far.
especially today, all black, with some blue..the colors of a bruise, wouldnt you say?
i've got the black but thats only half the deal.
you're the other half.
i just read all above this...it's pretty confusing with all the quotations, but oh well.
'if you leave, don't leave now, please don't take my heart away. and if you leave, don't look back...i'll be running the other way'
.......sorry i've been writing short blogs.
bye.
PS. we could live like jack and sally.
i've been fully aware of it, actually.
i walked past you and veronica.
'hey veeee' i said to her.
'hi chris' you said.
'....hi' i said unconvincingly.
'you don't even look at me!' you yelled.
i was walking away and turned around and looked at you.
'what did I DO?!?' you questioned.
'nothing, just forget it.'
i turned around and kept walking.
ten feet behind me you screamed 'i love you!'
i didnt turn around, just said 'uh-huh...'
you screamed again 'I LOVE YOUU!'
'RIGHT!' i yelled back.
i wanted to say it back more than anything, and less than anything.
i'm resisting you.
even if i did say it back, we'd be speaking the same words to each other that meant completely different things.
you love me?
...you dont adore me and you dont think im crazy amazing.
you don't think about me every second.
you say a lot of things you dont mean.
from 'i love you' to 'i've never felt this way before' to 'we're going out next year, okay?'
yeah...whatever happened to that?
i remember you said 'so i was thinking about what it would look like when we're together.'
i asked what you meant and you said, 'lots of black'
......i think i've pulled that off pretty amazingly so far.
especially today, all black, with some blue..the colors of a bruise, wouldnt you say?
i've got the black but thats only half the deal.
you're the other half.
i just read all above this...it's pretty confusing with all the quotations, but oh well.
'if you leave, don't leave now, please don't take my heart away. and if you leave, don't look back...i'll be running the other way'
.......sorry i've been writing short blogs.
bye.
PS. we could live like jack and sally.
Monday, August 27, 2007
hallelujah, lock and load...
sometimes i feel myself tighten up in anger when someone says something about you.
like i've taken it in some form of offense, even when i have no reason to.
a few days ago, me, nick, and marisa were standing next to each other hanging off the bleachers for some stretch in PE.
somehow we came onto the topic of you.
marisa said 'i'm not gonna lie about reese. i think she's a really cool person, but she just as her moments, and i hate the way she treats chris.'
my brain felt like it was swelling. like i wanted to say 'she doesnt treat me badly' even though i know the truth.
like i want to give her a chance, so i need to let other people do so, and at least pretend that i'm seeing beyond that layer.
i'm in denial, one way or the other, but can't put my finger on the situation.
you're dangling me from a string. a very thin one. still thick, but thin for my body weight...
thick and thin tend to rely on one another too much these days.
i deleted my myspace a few minutes ago.
i felt a stab of regret and loss afterwards, being sadly and pathetically reminded of how big it was in my life.
i'm not so much regretting it anymore.
i think i mostly did it to try and detach myself from you.
it won't do much, but it's a start, a start to a very frustrating path that will take a long time to stop at end.
myspace probably won't be my internet home anymore.
i think this will. most likely.
maybe i won't have to browse onto your myspace anymore and see things that whimper me,
like 'i hella like a boy named sam =]'
...it makes me sick, a little bit...
goodnight, blog.
goodbye, myspace.
like i've taken it in some form of offense, even when i have no reason to.
a few days ago, me, nick, and marisa were standing next to each other hanging off the bleachers for some stretch in PE.
somehow we came onto the topic of you.
marisa said 'i'm not gonna lie about reese. i think she's a really cool person, but she just as her moments, and i hate the way she treats chris.'
my brain felt like it was swelling. like i wanted to say 'she doesnt treat me badly' even though i know the truth.
like i want to give her a chance, so i need to let other people do so, and at least pretend that i'm seeing beyond that layer.
i'm in denial, one way or the other, but can't put my finger on the situation.
you're dangling me from a string. a very thin one. still thick, but thin for my body weight...
thick and thin tend to rely on one another too much these days.
i deleted my myspace a few minutes ago.
i felt a stab of regret and loss afterwards, being sadly and pathetically reminded of how big it was in my life.
i'm not so much regretting it anymore.
i think i mostly did it to try and detach myself from you.
it won't do much, but it's a start, a start to a very frustrating path that will take a long time to stop at end.
myspace probably won't be my internet home anymore.
i think this will. most likely.
maybe i won't have to browse onto your myspace anymore and see things that whimper me,
like 'i hella like a boy named sam =]'
...it makes me sick, a little bit...
goodnight, blog.
goodbye, myspace.
Friday, August 24, 2007
thrown to the sharks. yet the water's worse.
you're voice echoes in my head.
it's empty, and it bounces off like it's contained between the countless cracks of a canyon.
you're a dying flame and you can't see it.
our relationship seems to be falling to ashes, not roses.
i see you every day. i sit by you at lunch nearly every day.
and every one of those days seems to be distancing myself more from you.
the more i'm with you, the less i want to see you.
normally, for anyone, that would be a sign of overcoming the other person.
but it still leaves that pit in my stomach that assures me we won't fit hand in hand.
we're not meant for each other, and you've made it final by circumstance.
you've seemed to have made just about everything final by circumstance.
....bella bit off the end of my charger today.
also the end of the USB chord that plugs my phone into the computer for music trans.
i assumed you must have taught her that when she was your own, because you're an expert at breaking things...
today's the day of my grandma's birthday.
she died four years ago.
today was also the day we brought home sasha seven years ago.
i wish more than anything that i could just see them one more time.
i remember granny would pick me up every day in her little red honda.
when we drove up to the long lane that lead to her house, she would let me sit on her lap and steer the car.
those were my early memories.
my later memories were going over there to see her, shaking with her terrible case of parkinson's disease.
she was pale and very skinny by then.
i remember she could hardly talk. the shaking obstructed her vocal chords.
i remember walking into the kitchen, seeing her try to feed herself, half the contents of the spoon falling onto the counter and floor.
and seeing her start crying quietly when she dropped the spoon itself.
she would call the house for an emergency.
usually it would be that she had fallen, and couldn't get up.
i adored my granny more than anyone.
then december 20th, 2003.
a phone call, from my mom.
she spoke to nick, and chelsea and caitlin were sitting behind me in the kitchen.
i sat on a stool in front of the open wall that opened the kitchen to the living room.
i heard nick crying.
he had hung up.
'what happened?'
i looked back at chelsea, and she calmed her face and said 'granny passed away....'
i yelped quietly 'what?' and burst into tears.
enough on that.
i think i'm done.....
PS. the day i can't wait for more than anything: october sixth.
it's empty, and it bounces off like it's contained between the countless cracks of a canyon.
you're a dying flame and you can't see it.
our relationship seems to be falling to ashes, not roses.
i see you every day. i sit by you at lunch nearly every day.
and every one of those days seems to be distancing myself more from you.
the more i'm with you, the less i want to see you.
normally, for anyone, that would be a sign of overcoming the other person.
but it still leaves that pit in my stomach that assures me we won't fit hand in hand.
we're not meant for each other, and you've made it final by circumstance.
you've seemed to have made just about everything final by circumstance.
....bella bit off the end of my charger today.
also the end of the USB chord that plugs my phone into the computer for music trans.
i assumed you must have taught her that when she was your own, because you're an expert at breaking things...
today's the day of my grandma's birthday.
she died four years ago.
today was also the day we brought home sasha seven years ago.
i wish more than anything that i could just see them one more time.
i remember granny would pick me up every day in her little red honda.
when we drove up to the long lane that lead to her house, she would let me sit on her lap and steer the car.
those were my early memories.
my later memories were going over there to see her, shaking with her terrible case of parkinson's disease.
she was pale and very skinny by then.
i remember she could hardly talk. the shaking obstructed her vocal chords.
i remember walking into the kitchen, seeing her try to feed herself, half the contents of the spoon falling onto the counter and floor.
and seeing her start crying quietly when she dropped the spoon itself.
she would call the house for an emergency.
usually it would be that she had fallen, and couldn't get up.
i adored my granny more than anyone.
then december 20th, 2003.
a phone call, from my mom.
she spoke to nick, and chelsea and caitlin were sitting behind me in the kitchen.
i sat on a stool in front of the open wall that opened the kitchen to the living room.
i heard nick crying.
he had hung up.
'what happened?'
i looked back at chelsea, and she calmed her face and said 'granny passed away....'
i yelped quietly 'what?' and burst into tears.
enough on that.
i think i'm done.....
PS. the day i can't wait for more than anything: october sixth.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
fabric of hatred
it's crazy how many emotions come to mind when i think of you.
hatred and love all at once.
betrayal and admiration.
i browsed onto your space.
'i hella like a boy named sam =]'
there was a snap in my chest when i read that about a minute ago.
'If your life is so damn comfortable then why do you complain?
A reflection in the alcohol, you're pouring down the drain
Just because you paint a picture doesn't mean it fits the frame '
i like how you told me you masturbated in the shorts of mine you brought home.
sorry i haven't been writing much variety. it's all the same lately.
sorry i'm confined to the same subjects.
i'm making a wish right n
i would have put 'ow' after the n, but it wasn't 11:11 anymore.
high school's fun.
i'm hoping you'll come over sunday, like you said.
at the same time i'm extremely apprehensive, and dreading it....
maybe we can take a ruler and measure your heart and see how small it really is.
maybe we can weigh mine and see how many times it's fallen apart.
goodnight.
hatred and love all at once.
betrayal and admiration.
i browsed onto your space.
'i hella like a boy named sam =]'
there was a snap in my chest when i read that about a minute ago.
'If your life is so damn comfortable then why do you complain?
A reflection in the alcohol, you're pouring down the drain
Just because you paint a picture doesn't mean it fits the frame '
i like how you told me you masturbated in the shorts of mine you brought home.
sorry i haven't been writing much variety. it's all the same lately.
sorry i'm confined to the same subjects.
i'm making a wish right n
i would have put 'ow' after the n, but it wasn't 11:11 anymore.
high school's fun.
i'm hoping you'll come over sunday, like you said.
at the same time i'm extremely apprehensive, and dreading it....
maybe we can take a ruler and measure your heart and see how small it really is.
maybe we can weigh mine and see how many times it's fallen apart.
goodnight.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
the difference between love and danger
we could spend our whole life together, baking cakes in the middle of the day,
and watching cartoon marathons.
it's so strange to see you cuddled up in a blanket on my couch...
....i love it.
i can't pull my eyes away from you sometimes.
and of course, i do the typical turn-your-head-when-they-see-you.
i love your smile.
the more i'm with you, the more i want to be with you.
i can't stop thinking about it.
i also can't stop thinking about how the basketball shorts in my room you found and put on and brought home were probably dirty.
you can have them.
i know you love them.
i was waiting for you to fall asleep so i could stare at you all i wanted.
'i see you lying next to me with words i thought i'd never speak', famous last words by my chemical romance.
astounding song.
this is the first time in a while where my happiness has taken back my frustration.
not by far, but still... major points.
i want to be with you every second.
...i'll probably post again later...
and watching cartoon marathons.
it's so strange to see you cuddled up in a blanket on my couch...
....i love it.
i can't pull my eyes away from you sometimes.
and of course, i do the typical turn-your-head-when-they-see-you.
i love your smile.
the more i'm with you, the more i want to be with you.
i can't stop thinking about it.
i also can't stop thinking about how the basketball shorts in my room you found and put on and brought home were probably dirty.
you can have them.
i know you love them.
i was waiting for you to fall asleep so i could stare at you all i wanted.
'i see you lying next to me with words i thought i'd never speak', famous last words by my chemical romance.
astounding song.
this is the first time in a while where my happiness has taken back my frustration.
not by far, but still... major points.
i want to be with you every second.
...i'll probably post again later...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
fuck, i'll pay you anything.
i don't know where to begin?
i'm having cravings tonight.
the alcohol's changed me.
i want someone to fucking KISS.
i'm tired of the surprising kisses on the cheek, occasionally the mouth.
i want to hold someone and just kiss them.
that's all i want.
something real, but for my sensibility, that's impossible to do and i've gone completely overboard.
i'm currently on the edge.
i can't stand who i am.
the alcohol's making it soooo much better but so much worse all at once.
i've never felt so low. sneaking rum into my room.
slipping it into my juice.
i've been LIKING the pain that bella gives me when she crushes her teeth into my arm.
the 'suicidal tendencies' have been coming to me excessively.
today with my tequila i was searching for pills that had extreme consequences and side-effects.
of course i found some, from my pill-popping stepdad.
i stared at them for minutes reading every little word, but then just tossed them aside onto the counter and took a sip of the jose cuervo.
i have no idea what's happening to me.
i'm worthless.
i'm secretly insane.
sometimes i beg to be shot.
it wont be very fucking long until i'm thrown into an asylum.
i hate crying.
i haven't been disgusted with myself as much as i am right now.
i'm having cravings tonight.
the alcohol's changed me.
i want someone to fucking KISS.
i'm tired of the surprising kisses on the cheek, occasionally the mouth.
i want to hold someone and just kiss them.
that's all i want.
something real, but for my sensibility, that's impossible to do and i've gone completely overboard.
i'm currently on the edge.
i can't stand who i am.
the alcohol's making it soooo much better but so much worse all at once.
i've never felt so low. sneaking rum into my room.
slipping it into my juice.
i've been LIKING the pain that bella gives me when she crushes her teeth into my arm.
the 'suicidal tendencies' have been coming to me excessively.
today with my tequila i was searching for pills that had extreme consequences and side-effects.
of course i found some, from my pill-popping stepdad.
i stared at them for minutes reading every little word, but then just tossed them aside onto the counter and took a sip of the jose cuervo.
i have no idea what's happening to me.
i'm worthless.
i'm secretly insane.
sometimes i beg to be shot.
it wont be very fucking long until i'm thrown into an asylum.
i hate crying.
i haven't been disgusted with myself as much as i am right now.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
a walk to the other side of the country/globe?
why don't you live here?
if you moved here, that would be ultimately the greatest gift.
i'd see you everyday,
and we could fall in love.
i'd like cloverdale if you were here.
i hate everyone here.
hate them.
you would be my best friend, no question about it.
maybe more than that.
you're the only one i trust lately.
i want that more than anything.
for you to just freaking live here.
i would love my life.
tell tine and carl to start packing please??
'let's stomp this disaster town'
you always say to me.
it reminds me of cloverdale.
it reminds you of kelseyville.
maybe we can just move away from everyone.
i say that a lot and realize it sounds flirty and impossible.
but i really do just want to do that.
you'd have no idea who jish is.
if i had you, i wouldn't be bothering with reese.
i probably wouldn't know her.
i get extremely jealous of jish.
we should just run away to some big city.
new york, boston..
maybe seattle so we could see katie and bunk with her when we're homeless.
i just want the city we live in to be wow-this-is-really-easy-to-get-lost-in.
so maybe we'd never see the same person twice if we disliked them.
....blah.
maybe some big city in greece or france, countries where they allow underage drinking
so we can go out into public and fool around when we have a shitty day.
...it would be a very rare occasion though, because i'd say we'd never have a shitty day if we were with each other all the time.
let's go sleep in flowers with my puppy.
we can pack her in our bags.
..to make money, we could be street performers.
living statues or musicians with baskets in front of us for money.
sometimes i ask for almost the complete opposite of absolute success.
i guess success is just what makes you content with what you're doing, how you're living.
that's what i want. i don't expect to be famous.
i'd like it, a lot, but i know that's a very small chance, and it's not what i have my heart completely set on.
i want a simple, fun life. where i can break rules without being watched...
yeah...
yeah..so..jish is lucky x564738
andhearts
if you moved here, that would be ultimately the greatest gift.
i'd see you everyday,
and we could fall in love.
i'd like cloverdale if you were here.
i hate everyone here.
hate them.
you would be my best friend, no question about it.
maybe more than that.
you're the only one i trust lately.
i want that more than anything.
for you to just freaking live here.
i would love my life.
tell tine and carl to start packing please??
'let's stomp this disaster town'
you always say to me.
it reminds me of cloverdale.
it reminds you of kelseyville.
maybe we can just move away from everyone.
i say that a lot and realize it sounds flirty and impossible.
but i really do just want to do that.
you'd have no idea who jish is.
if i had you, i wouldn't be bothering with reese.
i probably wouldn't know her.
i get extremely jealous of jish.
we should just run away to some big city.
new york, boston..
maybe seattle so we could see katie and bunk with her when we're homeless.
i just want the city we live in to be wow-this-is-really-easy-to-get-lost-in.
so maybe we'd never see the same person twice if we disliked them.
....blah.
maybe some big city in greece or france, countries where they allow underage drinking
so we can go out into public and fool around when we have a shitty day.
...it would be a very rare occasion though, because i'd say we'd never have a shitty day if we were with each other all the time.
let's go sleep in flowers with my puppy.
we can pack her in our bags.
..to make money, we could be street performers.
living statues or musicians with baskets in front of us for money.
sometimes i ask for almost the complete opposite of absolute success.
i guess success is just what makes you content with what you're doing, how you're living.
that's what i want. i don't expect to be famous.
i'd like it, a lot, but i know that's a very small chance, and it's not what i have my heart completely set on.
i want a simple, fun life. where i can break rules without being watched...
yeah...
yeah..so..jish is lucky x564738
andhearts
Sunday, August 5, 2007
cutoff.
i realized how easily inspired i am.
by a simple line of words, or a melody on a movie i just heard in the background.
..hopefully this post won't be as depressing as my last.
i read it today and i was shocked.
i couldn't imagine myself writing that, though it wasn't even twenty-four hours ago.
my foot hurts more and more by the hour.
the vicious stubbing of my pinky toe has become more of a burden to my foot-bending.
the feeling has spread almost up to my heel.
when i hit it on the chair, i roared with pain and thought i broke it.
..i still haven't actually checked.
best friends can become strangers.
i find myself ignoring vinnie.
i saw him at friday night live...i walked right behind him without any acknowledgment of his existence.
i saw him at the movies, stood directly behind him to buy a ticket and didn't greet him once.
vinnie and i have come to a point where when we look at each other directly,
we wave and turn our eyes to our path, and walk straight past.
we don't want to bother telling each other how we feel about anything,
because we both don't intend to be friends.
sometimes i get the feeling that he tries,
but very poorly, and i don't respond to any of his signals.
school starts in nine days.
i'm a freshman.
by a simple line of words, or a melody on a movie i just heard in the background.
..hopefully this post won't be as depressing as my last.
i read it today and i was shocked.
i couldn't imagine myself writing that, though it wasn't even twenty-four hours ago.
my foot hurts more and more by the hour.
the vicious stubbing of my pinky toe has become more of a burden to my foot-bending.
the feeling has spread almost up to my heel.
when i hit it on the chair, i roared with pain and thought i broke it.
..i still haven't actually checked.
best friends can become strangers.
i find myself ignoring vinnie.
i saw him at friday night live...i walked right behind him without any acknowledgment of his existence.
i saw him at the movies, stood directly behind him to buy a ticket and didn't greet him once.
vinnie and i have come to a point where when we look at each other directly,
we wave and turn our eyes to our path, and walk straight past.
we don't want to bother telling each other how we feel about anything,
because we both don't intend to be friends.
sometimes i get the feeling that he tries,
but very poorly, and i don't respond to any of his signals.
school starts in nine days.
i'm a freshman.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Reminiscent fate
today was a mixed haze of many different memories and emotions.
thinking back on family, friends, reese.
reese basically has her own category...i'm not sure if that's a good thing.
so i shall write about each of them.
i first thought of dad.
oh, dad, you are great.
...those are words that are TRULY difficult for me to say.
nick, and alex and i, are always thinking the same thing.
i have a feeling i'm not the only one that knows what's going around in my siblings heads.
we don't have to speak. we've never spoken of it.
but our body language and thoughts are way too alike.
i try and leave behind the emotional scars of your abuse.
you had many tricks in your bag:
the belt, the spanking, or my personal favorite, the slap in the face.
to this day, what i percieve something as fast in front of my face, i flinch uncontrollably.
i remember one time when i was three or so, i ran into a dresser.
i knocked over a bottle of nail polish onto the carpet. i was trying to clean it up, with a towel, trying to cover it.
later that afternoon, i received the belt, was locked in my room, and told i wasn't to see mom until the next day.
last summer in greece, my aunt from canada flew in with her young children.
they were absolutely insane. my dad was disgusted with their behavior, and when my aunt left the area with her children,
my dad mentioned some sort of physical punishment, and said 'that should teach them.' and did this smile that said 'you know what i mean.'
my sister, my brother and i all did one quiet, nervous laugh at once, and looked at our feet.
also, i found an autobiography of alex's in her dresser about a year and a half ago.
the line i recognized most about dad: 'i've hated him ever since.'
............................................................................................................................................................................................
mom. you truly are amazing.
i've always said to you 'mom, when i'm older, and famous, i'll get you anything you want. a big house, money. anything.'
i'm sticking to my word.
you've given me so much, i can't thank you.
i learned all of my morals from you.
sometimes i relate myself to you.
you and i are very similar. it's sad to see you growing older and seeing you more self-conscious than ever.
when i see you looking in the mirror at yourself: 'fat, fat, fat'
mentioning veins on your legs.
i'm not sure what i'll do when you're gone.
i don't ever want you to leave.
you always mentioning going to friday night live with me.
you're always afraid you're going to embarrass me.
i went with you tonight and i met veronica there. i gave you my goodbyes and said i'd probably come back.
i did come back.
i get your frequent little texts 'where did you go?'
and i'll look across the plaza, start walking near you, see you checking your phone over and over.
because you're all alone.
you do the same thing i do. stick to one spot, pretend you have something to do, and not let anyone know you're feeling lonely.
you keep a small smile on your face, faking that you're entertained by something.
i had no problem going with you.
i love my mom, more than anything.
.................................................................................................................................................................................................
my reese.
i hardly put the pieces together.
but i do. i do put the pieces together. i try to.
you say to me 'i do love you. for real.'
i soak that in but it fades too quickly.
you don't act like it, reese.
it's like we're living two different worlds: face-to-face, and technology.
technology is our love communication. we're flirty and fine, and never stop but..
face-to-face is completely different. you say you love me over text, but i don't see it when i'm with you.
not when we're together.
sometimes i can't stop looking and smiling at you.
you fail to do so.
we're too different from each other.
i'm romantic, and you're experienced.
they don't match up to each other very well.
i feel my stomach sinking when i think about this.
i know that you just don't really care.
..............................................................................................................................................................................................
i feel sick. i don't feel like typing any more.
have fun reading the blogs reese.
thinking back on family, friends, reese.
reese basically has her own category...i'm not sure if that's a good thing.
so i shall write about each of them.
i first thought of dad.
oh, dad, you are great.
...those are words that are TRULY difficult for me to say.
nick, and alex and i, are always thinking the same thing.
i have a feeling i'm not the only one that knows what's going around in my siblings heads.
we don't have to speak. we've never spoken of it.
but our body language and thoughts are way too alike.
i try and leave behind the emotional scars of your abuse.
you had many tricks in your bag:
the belt, the spanking, or my personal favorite, the slap in the face.
to this day, what i percieve something as fast in front of my face, i flinch uncontrollably.
i remember one time when i was three or so, i ran into a dresser.
i knocked over a bottle of nail polish onto the carpet. i was trying to clean it up, with a towel, trying to cover it.
later that afternoon, i received the belt, was locked in my room, and told i wasn't to see mom until the next day.
last summer in greece, my aunt from canada flew in with her young children.
they were absolutely insane. my dad was disgusted with their behavior, and when my aunt left the area with her children,
my dad mentioned some sort of physical punishment, and said 'that should teach them.' and did this smile that said 'you know what i mean.'
my sister, my brother and i all did one quiet, nervous laugh at once, and looked at our feet.
also, i found an autobiography of alex's in her dresser about a year and a half ago.
the line i recognized most about dad: 'i've hated him ever since.'
............................................................................................................................................................................................
mom. you truly are amazing.
i've always said to you 'mom, when i'm older, and famous, i'll get you anything you want. a big house, money. anything.'
i'm sticking to my word.
you've given me so much, i can't thank you.
i learned all of my morals from you.
sometimes i relate myself to you.
you and i are very similar. it's sad to see you growing older and seeing you more self-conscious than ever.
when i see you looking in the mirror at yourself: 'fat, fat, fat'
mentioning veins on your legs.
i'm not sure what i'll do when you're gone.
i don't ever want you to leave.
you always mentioning going to friday night live with me.
you're always afraid you're going to embarrass me.
i went with you tonight and i met veronica there. i gave you my goodbyes and said i'd probably come back.
i did come back.
i get your frequent little texts 'where did you go?'
and i'll look across the plaza, start walking near you, see you checking your phone over and over.
because you're all alone.
you do the same thing i do. stick to one spot, pretend you have something to do, and not let anyone know you're feeling lonely.
you keep a small smile on your face, faking that you're entertained by something.
i had no problem going with you.
i love my mom, more than anything.
.................................................................................................................................................................................................
my reese.
i hardly put the pieces together.
but i do. i do put the pieces together. i try to.
you say to me 'i do love you. for real.'
i soak that in but it fades too quickly.
you don't act like it, reese.
it's like we're living two different worlds: face-to-face, and technology.
technology is our love communication. we're flirty and fine, and never stop but..
face-to-face is completely different. you say you love me over text, but i don't see it when i'm with you.
not when we're together.
sometimes i can't stop looking and smiling at you.
you fail to do so.
we're too different from each other.
i'm romantic, and you're experienced.
they don't match up to each other very well.
i feel my stomach sinking when i think about this.
i know that you just don't really care.
..............................................................................................................................................................................................
i feel sick. i don't feel like typing any more.
have fun reading the blogs reese.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Blamed for being oblivious...
it seems like the more i tell you,
the more i'm taking away from myself,
or maybe the more you've taken from me.
it's both.
i feel like i can't get around you without saying what i'm thinking.
you don't hesitate to ignore your thoughts.
changing subjects and saying short sweet things is your hobby.
we're a match made in heaven and you can't realize it.
or maybe i'm just dillusional.
...you don't seem to care much?
do you agree?
fake marriage and flirting hardly keeps me right there with you.
but i'd never be able to stand up and say that to you.
what am i gonna do when we're done with each other?
i'll have difficulties moving on, i know you won't.
you can't see it, but i love you more than anything else on this planet.
then again, i've told you countless times,
it probably means nothing.
sure you can deny it to make me feel better,
and you'll be offended by this blog terribly when you read it one day.
boyfriends keep coming.
they don't love you like i do.
get it through your head and give me a final word.
i'm right here, and i'm real.
everyday's becoming one small storyline for a book.
my thoughts for the day, my feelings?
but who gives a shit. i hardly do.
swimming in the dark naked, slipping underwater with my eyes closed, laying beneath the surface and just thinking.
hoping i'd stay awake/fall asleep.
maybe then people would care.
maybe you'd regret it.
but i'd never leave on such a bitter note.
but thinking ahead, this will end bitter and stupid.
'you're so bitter you think she's sweet'
switch a word there.
i'm faking my happiness,
i have to say i'm an amazing actor, darling.
you can't figure me out.
i can't figure you out.
i've opened my eyes,
now it's your turn.
the more i'm taking away from myself,
or maybe the more you've taken from me.
it's both.
i feel like i can't get around you without saying what i'm thinking.
you don't hesitate to ignore your thoughts.
changing subjects and saying short sweet things is your hobby.
we're a match made in heaven and you can't realize it.
or maybe i'm just dillusional.
...you don't seem to care much?
do you agree?
fake marriage and flirting hardly keeps me right there with you.
but i'd never be able to stand up and say that to you.
what am i gonna do when we're done with each other?
i'll have difficulties moving on, i know you won't.
you can't see it, but i love you more than anything else on this planet.
then again, i've told you countless times,
it probably means nothing.
sure you can deny it to make me feel better,
and you'll be offended by this blog terribly when you read it one day.
boyfriends keep coming.
they don't love you like i do.
get it through your head and give me a final word.
i'm right here, and i'm real.
everyday's becoming one small storyline for a book.
my thoughts for the day, my feelings?
but who gives a shit. i hardly do.
swimming in the dark naked, slipping underwater with my eyes closed, laying beneath the surface and just thinking.
hoping i'd stay awake/fall asleep.
maybe then people would care.
maybe you'd regret it.
but i'd never leave on such a bitter note.
but thinking ahead, this will end bitter and stupid.
'you're so bitter you think she's sweet'
switch a word there.
i'm faking my happiness,
i have to say i'm an amazing actor, darling.
you can't figure me out.
i can't figure you out.
i've opened my eyes,
now it's your turn.
Monday, June 11, 2007
occasionally june.
it hurts sometimes to be told you're doing nothing with your life.
especially when you hear it from one of your brother's drunk friends,
and then having to agree with him.
he stated that, took a paddle and smacked me with it while i tried to run away,
flinched in pain, and dropped my ipod.
my brother and chase both stood there chuckling.
i sat down at my crutch[aka my piano]
busted out 'the kill'
and sang at the top of my fucking lungs.
i dont think they cared, so i was happy.
i was outside a couple a days ago on my porch, with my mom and caitlin.
caitlin sat on the steps and said 'it looks like you're a little sunburnt on the bottom of your leg'
i looked at it, just kind of a red blob or some demonic skin disease,
and my mom said 'oh yeah, sunburnt from playing the piano.'
they giggled and i went inside.
i hate implications that say 'you're lame'
i'm tired of people laughing at me.
i guess im just one big walking joke.
i've slowly started doing my seasonal just-feel-like-doing-because-i-have-nothing-else-better-to-do art project.
i started it last weekend.
i went into my closet and lifted up an extremely heavy cart-like box of old childrens' books of mine and my siblings'.
i didnt ask permission if i could rip up their childhood,
but they wont notice because they're too busy being with their friends,
in other words, doing every thing i'm not doing.
so i'm cutting out pieces that i figure have potential to be in an all-meaning random collage.
of everything that appeals to me, whether it be floating balloons, organized words, or swinging circus people
and skulls.
i plan to find a good-sized background that will be hopefully something i just find off the internet,
[black and white] and paste pictures and words randomly around the focal point.
then, when i'm done piling things on, i can scan it..
i can love it..
i can admire it..
do nothing with it,
or do anything and everything with it.
i could walk around town carrying it, go up to random people and say
'hello, do you like my art?' and see them make a disgusted face and walk away.
go up to teenagers in trucks and say 'ya dig?!'
and then get beaten up and left in the grass in the plaza.
maybe hang it on my wall or bedroom door,
or glue it to my mirror, or let it sit in the kitchen until someone throws it away unnoticingly.
maybe i can bring it to places and ask them to hang it up in the window,
and they'll look at me with pity, smirk and say 'of course'
enough arting out.
today i was driving robin's truck all over the levy.
it's kind of gladifying knowing that in a couple years, i can get my license.
mmm. . .
especially when you hear it from one of your brother's drunk friends,
and then having to agree with him.
he stated that, took a paddle and smacked me with it while i tried to run away,
flinched in pain, and dropped my ipod.
my brother and chase both stood there chuckling.
i sat down at my crutch[aka my piano]
busted out 'the kill'
and sang at the top of my fucking lungs.
i dont think they cared, so i was happy.
i was outside a couple a days ago on my porch, with my mom and caitlin.
caitlin sat on the steps and said 'it looks like you're a little sunburnt on the bottom of your leg'
i looked at it, just kind of a red blob or some demonic skin disease,
and my mom said 'oh yeah, sunburnt from playing the piano.'
they giggled and i went inside.
i hate implications that say 'you're lame'
i'm tired of people laughing at me.
i guess im just one big walking joke.
i've slowly started doing my seasonal just-feel-like-doing-because-i-have-nothing-else-better-to-do art project.
i started it last weekend.
i went into my closet and lifted up an extremely heavy cart-like box of old childrens' books of mine and my siblings'.
i didnt ask permission if i could rip up their childhood,
but they wont notice because they're too busy being with their friends,
in other words, doing every thing i'm not doing.
so i'm cutting out pieces that i figure have potential to be in an all-meaning random collage.
of everything that appeals to me, whether it be floating balloons, organized words, or swinging circus people
and skulls.
i plan to find a good-sized background that will be hopefully something i just find off the internet,
[black and white] and paste pictures and words randomly around the focal point.
then, when i'm done piling things on, i can scan it..
i can love it..
i can admire it..
do nothing with it,
or do anything and everything with it.
i could walk around town carrying it, go up to random people and say
'hello, do you like my art?' and see them make a disgusted face and walk away.
go up to teenagers in trucks and say 'ya dig?!'
and then get beaten up and left in the grass in the plaza.
maybe hang it on my wall or bedroom door,
or glue it to my mirror, or let it sit in the kitchen until someone throws it away unnoticingly.
maybe i can bring it to places and ask them to hang it up in the window,
and they'll look at me with pity, smirk and say 'of course'
enough arting out.
today i was driving robin's truck all over the levy.
it's kind of gladifying knowing that in a couple years, i can get my license.
mmm. . .
Saturday, June 2, 2007
a graduate's dance.
i walked awkwardly through the cramped aisles with cherise in the middle and jeremy on the other side.
we held arms and made our way through, and i hit little girls in the head accidentally.
i sat proudly at the back row, being clearly visible to the whole audience, sweating my face off from the heat inside my gown.
i could see everyone but you. to see how disappointed yet glad to see that you werent there, you would have had to see me.
i wanted you to see me toss my diploma.
we walked outside, and saw all the family and friends.
in almost every picture that was taken of me, my eyes were averted towards the crowd looking for you.
we all went out to la hacienda.
i had some beautiful enchiladas.
i showed up 'fashionably late' to the dance at about 9:30.
"she was here looking for you," yanely said when i sat down.
"she was?"
"yeah, but she left."
i sat there and just thought for a moment.
and i sat there some more and ate some cake and daquiri.
but i saw your face for an instant at the door.
i looked back, and i saw you again.
"is that her?!" i yelled to vinnie.
i jumped out of my seat and followed her out.
vinnie rushed after me and went up to reese quietly asking if she liked me.
dumb vinnie..he makes things pretty awkward. but i thank him for the truth.
"she doesnt know," he said.
i pretended that i was busy on my phone texting.
"wait, hold on" i said quietly as that sunk into my brain.
she doesnt know? how can she not know?
but isnt that how i feel about her?..well, it cant be because im thinking about her constantly.
"theyre leaving" vinnie said
i went out the gate
"you're leaving?"
reese and michaela stood there.
"dur its the last day of school." she said
"good point. where you goin?"
"we're probably gonna go get fucked up"
"hm.., thats pretty cool.?"
"your feet are fucking huge" reese said
"yeah i know!"
she placed her cheetah-slipper-covered foot by mine.
"lets compare."
then i stood next to her, and looked down.
the way it makes me feel looking down on her a good four inches yet still feeling so small really beats me.
"hhah shut up! im gonna give you a titty twister in a moment." she said.
i smiled and said "well give me a hug!"
i hunched over a tad, bent my knees and actually embraced her.
im not sure if she felt it; time just stopped because of that hug. [from just a hug, chris?..pretty sad,,]
i lingered for a second before saying "is this a good hug?"
the equal amount of time went by before saying professionally "you're getting better chris."
and then we let go and she was gone.
"i havent seen you in like a year michaela," i said.
"i know! bye!"
i walked back into the dance.
my phone vibrated and i opened it:
beautiful hug. your ginormous.
why are you so perfect?
why are you so fucked up?
i think for some reason i feel like im wrong about you, and i ignore all your dirty business and feel like i can change you.
you baffle me, beautiful.
i baffle myself.
we held arms and made our way through, and i hit little girls in the head accidentally.
i sat proudly at the back row, being clearly visible to the whole audience, sweating my face off from the heat inside my gown.
i could see everyone but you. to see how disappointed yet glad to see that you werent there, you would have had to see me.
i wanted you to see me toss my diploma.
we walked outside, and saw all the family and friends.
in almost every picture that was taken of me, my eyes were averted towards the crowd looking for you.
we all went out to la hacienda.
i had some beautiful enchiladas.
i showed up 'fashionably late' to the dance at about 9:30.
"she was here looking for you," yanely said when i sat down.
"she was?"
"yeah, but she left."
i sat there and just thought for a moment.
and i sat there some more and ate some cake and daquiri.
but i saw your face for an instant at the door.
i looked back, and i saw you again.
"is that her?!" i yelled to vinnie.
i jumped out of my seat and followed her out.
vinnie rushed after me and went up to reese quietly asking if she liked me.
dumb vinnie..he makes things pretty awkward. but i thank him for the truth.
"she doesnt know," he said.
i pretended that i was busy on my phone texting.
"wait, hold on" i said quietly as that sunk into my brain.
she doesnt know? how can she not know?
but isnt that how i feel about her?..well, it cant be because im thinking about her constantly.
"theyre leaving" vinnie said
i went out the gate
"you're leaving?"
reese and michaela stood there.
"dur its the last day of school." she said
"good point. where you goin?"
"we're probably gonna go get fucked up"
"hm.., thats pretty cool.?"
"your feet are fucking huge" reese said
"yeah i know!"
she placed her cheetah-slipper-covered foot by mine.
"lets compare."
then i stood next to her, and looked down.
the way it makes me feel looking down on her a good four inches yet still feeling so small really beats me.
"hhah shut up! im gonna give you a titty twister in a moment." she said.
i smiled and said "well give me a hug!"
i hunched over a tad, bent my knees and actually embraced her.
im not sure if she felt it; time just stopped because of that hug. [from just a hug, chris?..pretty sad,,]
i lingered for a second before saying "is this a good hug?"
the equal amount of time went by before saying professionally "you're getting better chris."
and then we let go and she was gone.
"i havent seen you in like a year michaela," i said.
"i know! bye!"
i walked back into the dance.
my phone vibrated and i opened it:
beautiful hug. your ginormous.
why are you so perfect?
why are you so fucked up?
i think for some reason i feel like im wrong about you, and i ignore all your dirty business and feel like i can change you.
you baffle me, beautiful.
i baffle myself.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
knitting.
it was really cool. when i was like, 6, my grandma tried teaching me how to knit.
i was terrible but i insisted on making a small blanket that would cover the area of my foot.
i failed. but it was fine.
in second grade, we got these empty steak boxes, put strings through the sides and we actually weaved.
every wednesday when we had ms. lustenberger.
i made 2 multicolored cat ponchos. i actually placed on one lola a few months ago, she screeched and i took a picture.
it was a wonderful experience.
i was observing the phalanges of my hands today and i saw how fat they were.
they're kind of sausage-like, it really bugs me. they look like some old, tribal hawaiian man hands.
combined with my ugly torn cuticles and my uneven, choppy nails, i have just about the ugliest hands ever.
looking at my dog is a beautiful sight. pounds of fat are rolling over the edges of my cats bed.
when i turn on the light, she lifts herself up, and with her squinty fat face she gives me this dirty look like
'who do you think you are?!'
so im actually watching will and grace right now.
i love karen, shes the only reason i watch the show. shes insane.
shes almost as cool as Ham/ham.
i actually avoided lyssa after school today. i was playing the piano in the band room.
vinnie came in looking for me.
he came over. we indulged in bowls of macaroni and cheese.
then he left. hahaa.
so, on wednesday i really did not want to go to jazz, like usual.
and last period i asked mr. collins if we had jazz and he said yes.
and i said 'i cant come'
and he said 'oh.'
thats all he said.
'oh.'
'oh.'
'oh.'
and then he said 'im just gonna have greg play the concert, youre missing too much'
and i said with jolly 'ok! :D'
then i left. fun fun.
goodnight bitches.
i was terrible but i insisted on making a small blanket that would cover the area of my foot.
i failed. but it was fine.
in second grade, we got these empty steak boxes, put strings through the sides and we actually weaved.
every wednesday when we had ms. lustenberger.
i made 2 multicolored cat ponchos. i actually placed on one lola a few months ago, she screeched and i took a picture.
it was a wonderful experience.
i was observing the phalanges of my hands today and i saw how fat they were.
they're kind of sausage-like, it really bugs me. they look like some old, tribal hawaiian man hands.
combined with my ugly torn cuticles and my uneven, choppy nails, i have just about the ugliest hands ever.
looking at my dog is a beautiful sight. pounds of fat are rolling over the edges of my cats bed.
when i turn on the light, she lifts herself up, and with her squinty fat face she gives me this dirty look like
'who do you think you are?!'
so im actually watching will and grace right now.
i love karen, shes the only reason i watch the show. shes insane.
shes almost as cool as Ham/ham.
i actually avoided lyssa after school today. i was playing the piano in the band room.
vinnie came in looking for me.
he came over. we indulged in bowls of macaroni and cheese.
then he left. hahaa.
so, on wednesday i really did not want to go to jazz, like usual.
and last period i asked mr. collins if we had jazz and he said yes.
and i said 'i cant come'
and he said 'oh.'
thats all he said.
'oh.'
'oh.'
'oh.'
and then he said 'im just gonna have greg play the concert, youre missing too much'
and i said with jolly 'ok! :D'
then i left. fun fun.
goodnight bitches.
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