christmas lights and weekly fights.

i never planned for you to find out.
especially like this.

i havent blogged since the 6th.
because 'i dont want to write about reese, i want to write about You.'
and how could i write about you secretly without you knowing?
create another blog account?
no. word's out.
too late for a brainstorm.
..maybe.

last night was the first time i purposely did not answer your phone call.
it was in my hand and started vibrating.
"Hammy?! is calling"
i held it in front of my face panicking and thinking WHAT DO I SAY WHAT DO I SAY?
my heart was pounding and i felt like i was going to throw up.
so i just looked at the phone. i looked at your name the whole entire time it rang.
wishing that it would stop shaking so the strange guilt would pass.

sometimes i wish i were you, just so i could see you.

right now i am listening to 'back in yr head.'
when i get a new computer on tuesday(hopefully) i will burn you a CD of The Con and other additional songs.
i'll make you a big christmas package. with candy and letters and cd's and postcards and other grand stuff....

but heres the deal: you have to promise me that you put it on your ipod.
or whatever form of being able to listen through earphones.

or, blast it.
here's the other deal: DON'T listen to the song 'i was married.'
its boring, and im not sure why they put it on their album.

reese just texted me.
i dont get excited when i see her name anymore.
im just curious as to what she has to say and why she did.
it was a picture of her face and she had a black eye.
her words arent working today.
her cuteness isnt.

if i ever start falling for her again, this is what i'll do:
i won't admit it and wont excercise the thoughts and provoking words.
i need to contain my self and i need rules for myself.
i wish i had a more sensible conscience.
it wanders too much.

i just told her i like you.
she said "that sucks. she loves her man. although me and her are gonna bang in front of josh. he said we could."

hah..way to try and bring me down.
im not replying.

im offf!
oh and im extremely EXCITED for the sister coming home on thursday/friday.
five weeks she'll be home.

yay.


'maybe i would have been something you'd be good at.'
i want to tell reese that.
'you're not worth my time.'