i can't even THINK straight.

i wish i blogged as much as i used to. i came here just to scribble.
pre-ordered The Virginia Companion along with a t-shirt. fancy package deal. sweet.
i walked 16 times around the track today with caitlin. that's 4 miles.
i did the same thing on sunday, also...
we're both on diets. i was 215 when we started... i think i'm 211 now.

this blog has too many numbers. it's ridiculous.
amanda released Ampersand on her myspace and it's long, and pretty amazing.
my least favorite of the released songs, but still. she also has a video for it.
the video isn't that great, although the ending of it is mysterious and weird and exciting.

...speaking of her videos, she put this up on her youtube.
these 49 seconds give me chills.


this song sounds heartbreaking. it's the intro to "Another Year"...
i found out yesterday that tegan & sara have toured with ben folds before.
ben folds helped produce amanda's album.
i swear they've crossed each other's paths so many fucking times before but they don't even know each other.
at least not to my acknowledgment.

anyways... i saw batman last night.
everyone thinks batman's so great but i think the joker's the best part.
i relate to him. i understand him. he's scary but... what he says. sounds like things i would say.
there was one part of the movie when he said "the only sensible way of living in this world is living with no rules."
i once told veronica my whole analysis on how stupid living by rules is.
i don't know. i scare myself.
i can't believe heath is dead.
he made the movie worthwhile.


i suddenly realized that all i do here is share small opinions and worthless and useless thoughts and shove my favorite music down everyone's throats.

i'll stop now.

X

Dear Jenny,

last night was amazingly shitty in about thirty different ways.

the last thing i had said to josh was that you, allie, were still my friend. i just didn't have a crush on you.

...and my all-time favorite quotes begin here:

"yr fucking stupid you just said you dont like her you gay faggit liking the dick i heard"

"and yr a faggit that likes the dick and ill kill yr fucking babies you queer i can make it so you never talk to allie again"

"dont plan on tallig to allie ever again you emo faggit i read all yr blogs. yr a faggit and you are gay and you like men. go crie for reese you queer"

"i cant wait till i beat the shit out of yr faggit ass. yr a faggit. i know yr bi an you like the dick you faggit."

"go change yr url allie will just tell me it like she did yr old one you emo faggit. i cant believe yr bi and like guys wow yr a faggit dont talk to my girl"

"yr a cool kid go get a life with someone else gay faggit."


...repetition just fascinates me. like i truly want to keep reading even with all the spelling errors, which just kill me.

i'm glad you haven't seen this side of him.

even if you did, though, it probably wouldn't make a difference because you'd still be defending him.



i think my favorite text out of the whole entire night, though, was the one from you, allie.

"what the fuck"



it's funny how once upon a time you told me "you act like the victim and no one's ever even done anything to you,"

and then this happens behind my back.



fucking smooth.


go ahead and "take josh's side because you have to."

don't fucking trust him with secrets that aren't yours.

because it's MY secret and I tell the people i trust and obviously i made a mistake in telling you.


i've blogged for so long about people who i need to learn to keep away from in my life and you've become one of them.


this is the last blog you'll read.

i should have never told you. veronica even warned me you would tell josh.

but i didn't care, because i thought that someone whose girlfriend has been with another girl would understand.

but some people are just ignorant, hypocritical fucking mongoloids who don't know jack shit about what it's like.

and the award goes to josh.


fucking cunts.



i've got no trust for you.


no one's worth it these days.

X

night recconnaissance and vermillion lies

when we got to the fillmore at 6, there was hardly a line.

at 6:30, it went around the block.


when we got inside the theater, i started hyperventilating and alex told me to calm down and breathe.

relax, chris.


there was one small asian guy between me and the stage.

his head was up to my chest.

vermillion lies were amazing.

their song "organ donor's march" just makes me smile.

so does "planet porn."

there was something more amazing than that, though...


veronica and i were in the crowd and there were balconies everywhere.

in the corner, there was one that just stood out.

i figured it was amanda's dressing room.


soon enough, we both looked up and amanda fucking palmer was standing there, watching vermillion lies open.

it was her, oh it was her. her hair was a beautiful, chaotic mess, her neck long.

except we couldn't see her face. she was in the shadows.

me and veronica and caitlin watched her pretty much the whole time vermillion lies were performing.

of course we were freaking out and alex was telling us to do that when she actually came out on stage.

did we do what she said? NO :)

all of the sudden, paul, the magician who had been on stage, was up there with amanda.

they're holding onto each other's arms and they JERK towards one another and a FLASH goes off from a camera!

they were taking pictures, and in that flash, i saw amanda's bright pearly teeth.

just the movement gave everything away. this is what makes amanda amanda.

colorful and energetic.

she's an ARTIST.



when they came out on stage, oh my god. they both walked out in black, shiny plasticky overcoats with red trimming.

wearing hats similar to the one i wore on halloween, and masquerade masks covering their eyes.

they opened with girl anachronism. amanda is SO, SO, SO amazing to watch on the piano.

she plays like a wildebeast. she was beaming while she did this. her legs jolted everywhere from behind her bench

to the sustain pedal. she was wearing cherry red lipstick.


then they had taken off their overcoats and whatnot and kept performing.

multiple times, amanda looked my direction.

i thought that maybe it was just me that she was looking me in the eyes,

but i looked at veronica and she said "DID SHE JUST LOOK AT YOU?!!?!"

it wasn't just for a second though. amanda would look down at her piano for her hands placement,

and then look back up at me for moments at a time.


the best part of the concert was when amanda stood RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME on stage, maybe two feet away.

she was performing the gardener. she was holding a flower, and she walked behind a speaker and threw the flower.

it hit veronica right in the face, and she gave it to me.

that's what best friends are :)


"where is amanda? is she walking through the crowd?"

that's what everyone was thinking.

i said "no, she likes to perform Gardener on the balconies."

soon enough, there were spotlights searching and amanda was found up above leaning over the rail and singing to us.

she would switch balconies, because there were probably about ten around the room.



on every single guitar song, amanda would spend her time on our side of the stage.

brian touched my hand... :)

anyways, they spent close to three hours on stage.

and came out for not one encore, but two.

i put the flower in my dresden dolls companion so it can dry up and flatten out.



here's the memorabilia:

i took these videos and these pictures.

in this video, amanda's holding the flower i have.







i want A, i want A. made me laugh because they pause like that everytime they play it live.

especially when it goes, "never let him go, and i'll never be alone--go, and i'll never be alone--go and i'll never be alone"

like a skipping record on the song. but live they repeated it over ten times.

she also jerks her head when she plays that part.







look. she's pointing at me.













the fillmore felt like home.

not like the tegan and sara concerts with a bunch of college kids who looked like they were thinking

"i don't want to be here but you don't DESERVE to be here even though you WANT to be here and i DONT."

to tell the truth... the dresden dolls concert was 458763876 times better than the tegan and sara ones.

the fillmore smelled like weed and alcohol and the people were all energy. happiness everywhere.


speaking of davis, we met that guy who entered the american idol songwriting competition telling us to vote for him.

his name was ryan gilmore and he gave us a flyer. last night i was eating dinner and heard david archuleta from

the TV singing "in this moment" the song that ryan gilmore wrote. COOL :)

this week has just been amazing.


the coin operated boy walking down the line at the fillmore was cool, too.

especially when i came home and looked at the shores of california gallery and he was in it.


pixie was on stage and taking pictures and i was in a lot, i think. i mean...how could i not be.

so hopefully there will be some very nice professional pictures of amanda on stage and me screaming for her

put up after the small west coast tour.



i get sadder and sadder about joey every day.

he's fucking adorable.

:/

Camp Out

sometimes, i hear a new song and realize just how beautiful the world is.

i see quotes that i can't even pick meanings out of, yet it can still run chills through my body.

here's my favorite one:

Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, let all the snow collect on top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, "Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world."

i don't know. i just imagine a little girl on her dad's lap, curious about the world.

and the father is sharing his superficial advice, telling her lies that will turn her into someone no one wants her to.

allowing one more shallow somebody to be let into the world.



there are two more quotes.

from tegan and sara. something they've said.


Sara: "I know how i was born and i know that i have no choice. i know it may not show on the color of my skin, but i know it’s in my heart and in my soul."

this is obviously about being gay. which is beautiful because i relate.

Tegan: "There's more than blood that beats through my heart."

that one is just amazing.



an horse amazes me. listened to their music before they opened for tegan and sara.

they've become one of my favorite bands and they don't even have a full CD yet.

sara says every night, she watches them before her and tegan's show and feel like she's watching her favorite band perform,

and forgets that it's actually her show.




the whole "boy" situation...

is hard to explain.

we come from different sides. i don't fucking know.

i've never spoken ONE word to him.

it feels like one of those typical "do they know i exist?" situations.

i've never been in one.


...just, the little things he does..

in third period at the beginning of the year he used to sit by me.

i looked over at him a couple days ago in 3rd period and wondered why he was gone.

all of the sudden the teacher tells him to move because he's talking to chase too much.

and he comes and sits over right by me.

i was doing a crossword puzzle, and i see him sort of glancing at me.

then he leans over towards me, and points his finger at a word he found.

it made my stomach dance and i quietly smiled.

and i see words he doesnt, but don't want to circle them because i'm almost done and i want him helping me.

(i was reminded later that i was basically dumbing myself down)

when we had found all of them, he sat at his desk doing nothing.

but he fidgets :)


he's also in fourth period with me too.

he doesn't do anything in PE though because i guess he already took it three times or something so he hangs out with chase and my brother (a weird mixture)

he wears sunglasses and i look at him and he's looking my way but then again he isn't because he's wearing sunglasses and could just be coincidently looking my way.

but i still look at him and wonder if he thinks he's having an advantage and thinks i don't think he can see me looking at him.

i babble.

we were playing tennis and i dropped the ball and went over right by the ball to pick it up.

he appeared in front of it. i didn't look at his face but he took it with his feet and kicked it past me.

he sort of giggled. like he was teasing me in one of those...weird cute ways where it seems like he's trying to be mean but he's just playing games? because he's not the mean type... he's quiet and... from what i see, offbeat. like me.

i never looked up because i didn't want to give off a smile in front of my brother and whoever else and make it weird and obvious.

then berry blew the whistle and ruined the moment i wanted.


but the straight factor takes role.

it really hurts to like someone who you don't even know if they even like you're GENDER.

and it piles on. he's a senior.

school is over on the 30th.


bottom line, i can't get him off my mind.

it's sad thinking he might have not even thought a moment about me.


i'm gonna go camp out and think.

the concert is in two fucking days.


i'm off.

i feel closer to you now, hammy.


XXX

stepping on stones and burning bridges simultaneously

right now i'm doing my portfolio.

it's so fancy. i'm kind of proud of it.

everyone else's binder is white but mine's black.

for my cover page, i found a photo of the con, erased tegan and sara's names, and dragged it onto Word and typed over it.

chris kyriakos.

right beneath is the title of the album, the con.


wonderful.


the dresden dolls concert is in officially one week.

amanda says her voice is definitely ready, but at the same time it isn't.

her solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer, comes out two days after my birthday.


yesterday i went with vinnie and did community service at the senior center. his grandma maggie owns it.

she's so sexy.

right when i walked in late, maggie said "i have a proposition for you. go play piano!"

so for three hours i played piano for the old people. i even made five bucks in the tip jar (vinnies idea)

so fucking glad i memorized billions of songs.

the first song i played: i will follow you into the dark. then i played some more death cab. then some dresden dolls.

then some tegan and sara. then some more death cab. then some more dresden dolls. then some more tegan and sara.

then some improv.



as for the drama bullcrap that completely came out of the blue,

i don't even know and quite frankly i couldn't care less.

one side's asking Where the fuck did this come from and the other side's tugging away and saying Who cares it's not worth it.

the "Who cares one" is more aggressive. so it's winning.

all i can say is that you've met me twice and you dont know how i act in person.

because i honestly don't recall doing anything to act like a victim, except for on here.

and to judge me off something that was never meant to be read (my blogs) is pretty low.

because i came here to feel safe and let go and say what i want, not for it to be backfired in my face.



josh cursed at me and admitted to not liking me.

i wasn't phased because the guy's never met me and i guess it's his loss.

you can tell him i still like him, though.

tell him he's my bff for life.


i'm off. i'm benvolio in romeo and juliet.

it's amazing.


PS/ this blog had terrible flow.



everything is plastic, and everything's sarcastic.

the mouse and the model

i came here to...

basically say that i have a big secret that only two people know of.

one, if you don't include myself.

veronica ferris is the only one in this world who knows for a fact. someone i've told.



don't even bother getting it out of me.

persuasion is nothing.



and i'll tell the rest of you when i feel like it.

11 days until the dresden dolls.

42 until europe.


no virginia is orgasmic.


PS. when i think about reese, i feel like the past 5 years never happened.

i no longer remember what it's like to be in love.

reading romeo and juliet might have something to do with this.

in love or in lust.

i question all of it now.


...by the way, when i said PS, i didnt mean Post Scriptum.

i meant potato salad.



Goodnight, bestfriends who don't talk to me.


jealousy is a sad thing.

but ignorance is worse.

--------------------
X

Designing mouths.

last night i didnt sleep in my room.

i cant lay in bed and look at the poster on my wall of the dresden dolls and know "i stole from you..."

but i dont know. i still plan on buying their album.

i would never leave them hanging like that.

poor amanda. thats why she hasnt been on updating at all.

it would fucking suck to have an album of yours leak.


anyways...went on to theham.buzznet.com/user/journal.

saw this:



laughed at "does this blog make me look fat?"

then looked in the top right corner and smiled at the picture of sara in coachella.

her haircuts adorable.

i didnt pay attention to it in davis, though...

they both had haircuts.

anyways i took this video.

its my favorite one.



it was magical when they stopped playing all their instruments after the bridge just so everyone could sing.

"i just want back in your heeeaaaaddddd."

the guy jumping was fucking annoying.

but thank goodness i wasnt even holding up the camera as high as my face so i could see beyond him.

what makes me laugh is how right when the instruments do stop, he fades from sight.

then comes back.


chills went through my whole entire body.

PS. i watched juno yesterday.

---------------------------
X