Camp Out

sometimes, i hear a new song and realize just how beautiful the world is.

i see quotes that i can't even pick meanings out of, yet it can still run chills through my body.

here's my favorite one:

Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, let all the snow collect on top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, "Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world."

i don't know. i just imagine a little girl on her dad's lap, curious about the world.

and the father is sharing his superficial advice, telling her lies that will turn her into someone no one wants her to.

allowing one more shallow somebody to be let into the world.



there are two more quotes.

from tegan and sara. something they've said.


Sara: "I know how i was born and i know that i have no choice. i know it may not show on the color of my skin, but i know it’s in my heart and in my soul."

this is obviously about being gay. which is beautiful because i relate.

Tegan: "There's more than blood that beats through my heart."

that one is just amazing.



an horse amazes me. listened to their music before they opened for tegan and sara.

they've become one of my favorite bands and they don't even have a full CD yet.

sara says every night, she watches them before her and tegan's show and feel like she's watching her favorite band perform,

and forgets that it's actually her show.




the whole "boy" situation...

is hard to explain.

we come from different sides. i don't fucking know.

i've never spoken ONE word to him.

it feels like one of those typical "do they know i exist?" situations.

i've never been in one.


...just, the little things he does..

in third period at the beginning of the year he used to sit by me.

i looked over at him a couple days ago in 3rd period and wondered why he was gone.

all of the sudden the teacher tells him to move because he's talking to chase too much.

and he comes and sits over right by me.

i was doing a crossword puzzle, and i see him sort of glancing at me.

then he leans over towards me, and points his finger at a word he found.

it made my stomach dance and i quietly smiled.

and i see words he doesnt, but don't want to circle them because i'm almost done and i want him helping me.

(i was reminded later that i was basically dumbing myself down)

when we had found all of them, he sat at his desk doing nothing.

but he fidgets :)


he's also in fourth period with me too.

he doesn't do anything in PE though because i guess he already took it three times or something so he hangs out with chase and my brother (a weird mixture)

he wears sunglasses and i look at him and he's looking my way but then again he isn't because he's wearing sunglasses and could just be coincidently looking my way.

but i still look at him and wonder if he thinks he's having an advantage and thinks i don't think he can see me looking at him.

i babble.

we were playing tennis and i dropped the ball and went over right by the ball to pick it up.

he appeared in front of it. i didn't look at his face but he took it with his feet and kicked it past me.

he sort of giggled. like he was teasing me in one of those...weird cute ways where it seems like he's trying to be mean but he's just playing games? because he's not the mean type... he's quiet and... from what i see, offbeat. like me.

i never looked up because i didn't want to give off a smile in front of my brother and whoever else and make it weird and obvious.

then berry blew the whistle and ruined the moment i wanted.


but the straight factor takes role.

it really hurts to like someone who you don't even know if they even like you're GENDER.

and it piles on. he's a senior.

school is over on the 30th.


bottom line, i can't get him off my mind.

it's sad thinking he might have not even thought a moment about me.


i'm gonna go camp out and think.

the concert is in two fucking days.


i'm off.

i feel closer to you now, hammy.


XXX