thrown to the sharks. yet the water's worse.

you're voice echoes in my head.
it's empty, and it bounces off like it's contained between the countless cracks of a canyon.

you're a dying flame and you can't see it.
our relationship seems to be falling to ashes, not roses.

i see you every day. i sit by you at lunch nearly every day.
and every one of those days seems to be distancing myself more from you.
the more i'm with you, the less i want to see you.
normally, for anyone, that would be a sign of overcoming the other person.
but it still leaves that pit in my stomach that assures me we won't fit hand in hand.
we're not meant for each other, and you've made it final by circumstance.
you've seemed to have made just about everything final by circumstance.


....bella bit off the end of my charger today.
also the end of the USB chord that plugs my phone into the computer for music trans.
i assumed you must have taught her that when she was your own, because you're an expert at breaking things...


today's the day of my grandma's birthday.
she died four years ago.
today was also the day we brought home sasha seven years ago.
i wish more than anything that i could just see them one more time.


i remember granny would pick me up every day in her little red honda.
when we drove up to the long lane that lead to her house, she would let me sit on her lap and steer the car.
those were my early memories.
my later memories were going over there to see her, shaking with her terrible case of parkinson's disease.
she was pale and very skinny by then.
i remember she could hardly talk. the shaking obstructed her vocal chords.
i remember walking into the kitchen, seeing her try to feed herself, half the contents of the spoon falling onto the counter and floor.
and seeing her start crying quietly when she dropped the spoon itself.

she would call the house for an emergency.
usually it would be that she had fallen, and couldn't get up.
i adored my granny more than anyone.

then december 20th, 2003.
a phone call, from my mom.
she spoke to nick, and chelsea and caitlin were sitting behind me in the kitchen.
i sat on a stool in front of the open wall that opened the kitchen to the living room.
i heard nick crying.
he had hung up.
'what happened?'
i looked back at chelsea, and she calmed her face and said 'granny passed away....'
i yelped quietly 'what?' and burst into tears.

enough on that.
i think i'm done.....



PS. the day i can't wait for more than anything: october sixth.