Reminiscent fate

today was a mixed haze of many different memories and emotions.
thinking back on family, friends, reese.
reese basically has her own category...i'm not sure if that's a good thing.
so i shall write about each of them.


i first thought of dad.
oh, dad, you are great.
...those are words that are TRULY difficult for me to say.
nick, and alex and i, are always thinking the same thing.
i have a feeling i'm not the only one that knows what's going around in my siblings heads.
we don't have to speak. we've never spoken of it.
but our body language and thoughts are way too alike.
i try and leave behind the emotional scars of your abuse.
you had many tricks in your bag:
the belt, the spanking, or my personal favorite, the slap in the face.
to this day, what i percieve something as fast in front of my face, i flinch uncontrollably.

i remember one time when i was three or so, i ran into a dresser.
i knocked over a bottle of nail polish onto the carpet. i was trying to clean it up, with a towel, trying to cover it.
later that afternoon, i received the belt, was locked in my room, and told i wasn't to see mom until the next day.

last summer in greece, my aunt from canada flew in with her young children.
they were absolutely insane. my dad was disgusted with their behavior, and when my aunt left the area with her children,
my dad mentioned some sort of physical punishment, and said 'that should teach them.' and did this smile that said 'you know what i mean.'
my sister, my brother and i all did one quiet, nervous laugh at once, and looked at our feet.

also, i found an autobiography of alex's in her dresser about a year and a half ago.
the line i recognized most about dad: 'i've hated him ever since.'
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mom. you truly are amazing.
i've always said to you 'mom, when i'm older, and famous, i'll get you anything you want. a big house, money. anything.'
i'm sticking to my word.
you've given me so much, i can't thank you.
i learned all of my morals from you.

sometimes i relate myself to you.
you and i are very similar. it's sad to see you growing older and seeing you more self-conscious than ever.
when i see you looking in the mirror at yourself: 'fat, fat, fat'
mentioning veins on your legs.
i'm not sure what i'll do when you're gone.
i don't ever want you to leave.

you always mentioning going to friday night live with me.
you're always afraid you're going to embarrass me.
i went with you tonight and i met veronica there. i gave you my goodbyes and said i'd probably come back.
i did come back.
i get your frequent little texts 'where did you go?'
and i'll look across the plaza, start walking near you, see you checking your phone over and over.
because you're all alone.
you do the same thing i do. stick to one spot, pretend you have something to do, and not let anyone know you're feeling lonely.
you keep a small smile on your face, faking that you're entertained by something.
i had no problem going with you.
i love my mom, more than anything.
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my reese.
i hardly put the pieces together.
but i do. i do put the pieces together. i try to.
you say to me 'i do love you. for real.'
i soak that in but it fades too quickly.
you don't act like it, reese.
it's like we're living two different worlds: face-to-face, and technology.
technology is our love communication. we're flirty and fine, and never stop but..
face-to-face is completely different. you say you love me over text, but i don't see it when i'm with you.
not when we're together.
sometimes i can't stop looking and smiling at you.
you fail to do so.
we're too different from each other.
i'm romantic, and you're experienced.
they don't match up to each other very well.
i feel my stomach sinking when i think about this.
i know that you just don't really care.
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i feel sick. i don't feel like typing any more.

have fun reading the blogs reese.