on brink of swelling.

i would first like to start off with amanda palmer.
it sounds funny to say that i really do love her.
i've never met her and she's twice my age.
i care for that woman.
and i would like to cuddle with her, if that counts for anything.
every bit of her amazes me.

http://vimeo.com/321573
i CANNOT stop watching this 30 second clip.
i soak up every little centi second of it.
i can't wait until the whole thing is released.
funny thing about it is this song and video was recorded not even an hour away from my home.
just past rohnert park, in cotati.
i used to go there almost every week when i was about seven.
we would pass by that studio 'prairie sun' and i always loved the way it looked.

anyways, i actually talked to you today.
i greeted you with 'reeeese wiiiseee..'
and blah.

'we can still be friends'
still bugs me how it sounded like you're breaking up with me.

it's hard for me to see us as just friends.
i'm sure it always was and always can be easy for you to see, but not here.
i've had those feelings for you for so long.
i've imagined it and wanted it one way for the past years, and watching that vision crumble is painful.

you kill me.


from my last blog: "i know you love me reese.
you love me a whole fucking lot,
as a person and as a friend.
nothing more.

"you know i love you reese.
i love you a whole fucking lot,
as a person and as a friend.
nothing more."

today i was standing in the hallway with my elbow on the windowsill and looking outside.
you appeared in front of me out of nowhere.
i looked at you curiously and smiled without any words.
you looked at me and around the hallway.
then michaela came and dragged you to class and i watched you walk down the hallway.
it's those things that make you think about you.
those things that make me fall for you.
it didn't work today.

you're not my full focus anymore.
you could be, but i'm not yours and you're not looking for a focus.
you're a sex fein and you just wanna party...

'i just don't want you to give up on me.'
i'm still arguing with myself over that statement.
why shouldnt i, i have every reason to...recite recite.
because it's the truth.
there is no reason i shouldn't give up on you.
surprising how my feelings for you seemed to suddenly fall flat after that little conversation.

i saw the beginning of a movie and a line in it was "do you ever come across one of those 'empty shell' people? you see them and you think 'what the HELL happened to them?'
sometimes i wonder if people think that about me.
this summer was absolutely no doubt about it, with my suicidal self and cuts i gave myself on my belly.
but i wonder if people wonder that about me.
people have always told me there's something they couldn't figure out about me.
i'm mysterious, i guess.


anyways, i'm cutting this blog short.

...devilish to say, sometimes i want you to regret all of this one day.

goodbye.