shooting your blown kisses.

in math everday, during first period, i never have to look at any sort of clock.
i sit near the window, and when i see the sun peaking over the close redwood tree, i know there's about ten minutes left.
we turn the lights off every day so we can see the overhead better.
the only source of light that flows into the room is from the sun, of course.
the sun stares me right in the face, every day in math.
it's in my eyes, shines off my arms, and glares off anything on me it can find.
i feel over-exposed for some strange reason.
like i'm the only one in a sea of people who you can fully see.
like i'm under some spotlight. i hate it, everyday.

'it's just like what you said to me: michaela and reese are only skin deep. reese tells you everything, things michaela doesn't know about. that's how marisa and i are. marisa tells me EVERYTHING, but i don't tell HER everything. i tell you everything. this all leads to you.'
i said that to veronica last week over the phone.

it was a night of blankness, last wednesday.
my dad had called, and i told him i had no plans for my birthday.
later, he talked to nick. nick mentioned my name on the phone and then started laughing.
when he was off, i said 'what were you laughing about...'
he laughed and shook his head.

i went into my room and called veronica.
built up my stories about how my dad thinks he knows everyone, based on what they're doing and what kind of life they live.
because he's so fucking materialistic and judgmental, and talks behind people's backs like he's twelve.
by the middle of my stories she said sympathetically 'are you crying?'
to where i broke down and stressed out about everything.
such a strange crier, i am...not a loud one. very quiet, with a low, shaking voice. i grasp my forehead and pull back my hair compulsively. i take breaths like i've had so many things on my chest for a lifetime.
i apologized to her continually, and said disgustingly 'oh my GAWD...' many, many times when i was finishing, like i hated myself.
she would say it's alright and to let it out.

i love her like i love no one else.
and no one, NO ONE makes me laugh harder.
wouldnt even BEGIN to bother about writing what she says and does, because its impossible.
and i do tell her everything.

today you yelled my name at the end of lunch and dramatically blew me a kiss.
you looked in front of yourself halfway between the movement, so i dont think you noticed me when i took my hand from my lips,
formed a gun, aimed, closed one eye and focused and 'shot' the flying lips.

sometimes it seems like you're scared to show anything that will give you away.
you never look at me when you say anything.
just like when you blew that kiss.
when you say 'hi chris..' you aim your head forwards.
at lunch last week, when i was standing in line and watching you and veronica sitting on the benches looking at me,
i stood and looked at you and just SMILED with teeth and all.
you did so back, and i just smiled at you for a few seconds, sort of testing you.
you smiled, but often darted your eyes off to the side strangely.
you looked absolutely adorable, but it still bothers me...

not sure. blah.. sickofschool.
bottomlineilovemarisaandweregoingtoitalyandeffingreecethissummer.
my moms signing me up tomorrow....


BYE.