i can't even THINK straight.

i wish i blogged as much as i used to. i came here just to scribble.
pre-ordered The Virginia Companion along with a t-shirt. fancy package deal. sweet.
i walked 16 times around the track today with caitlin. that's 4 miles.
i did the same thing on sunday, also...
we're both on diets. i was 215 when we started... i think i'm 211 now.

this blog has too many numbers. it's ridiculous.
amanda released Ampersand on her myspace and it's long, and pretty amazing.
my least favorite of the released songs, but still. she also has a video for it.
the video isn't that great, although the ending of it is mysterious and weird and exciting.

...speaking of her videos, she put this up on her youtube.
these 49 seconds give me chills.


this song sounds heartbreaking. it's the intro to "Another Year"...
i found out yesterday that tegan & sara have toured with ben folds before.
ben folds helped produce amanda's album.
i swear they've crossed each other's paths so many fucking times before but they don't even know each other.
at least not to my acknowledgment.

anyways... i saw batman last night.
everyone thinks batman's so great but i think the joker's the best part.
i relate to him. i understand him. he's scary but... what he says. sounds like things i would say.
there was one part of the movie when he said "the only sensible way of living in this world is living with no rules."
i once told veronica my whole analysis on how stupid living by rules is.
i don't know. i scare myself.
i can't believe heath is dead.
he made the movie worthwhile.


i suddenly realized that all i do here is share small opinions and worthless and useless thoughts and shove my favorite music down everyone's throats.

i'll stop now.

X

Dear Jenny,

last night was amazingly shitty in about thirty different ways.

the last thing i had said to josh was that you, allie, were still my friend. i just didn't have a crush on you.

...and my all-time favorite quotes begin here:

"yr fucking stupid you just said you dont like her you gay faggit liking the dick i heard"

"and yr a faggit that likes the dick and ill kill yr fucking babies you queer i can make it so you never talk to allie again"

"dont plan on tallig to allie ever again you emo faggit i read all yr blogs. yr a faggit and you are gay and you like men. go crie for reese you queer"

"i cant wait till i beat the shit out of yr faggit ass. yr a faggit. i know yr bi an you like the dick you faggit."

"go change yr url allie will just tell me it like she did yr old one you emo faggit. i cant believe yr bi and like guys wow yr a faggit dont talk to my girl"

"yr a cool kid go get a life with someone else gay faggit."


...repetition just fascinates me. like i truly want to keep reading even with all the spelling errors, which just kill me.

i'm glad you haven't seen this side of him.

even if you did, though, it probably wouldn't make a difference because you'd still be defending him.



i think my favorite text out of the whole entire night, though, was the one from you, allie.

"what the fuck"



it's funny how once upon a time you told me "you act like the victim and no one's ever even done anything to you,"

and then this happens behind my back.



fucking smooth.


go ahead and "take josh's side because you have to."

don't fucking trust him with secrets that aren't yours.

because it's MY secret and I tell the people i trust and obviously i made a mistake in telling you.


i've blogged for so long about people who i need to learn to keep away from in my life and you've become one of them.


this is the last blog you'll read.

i should have never told you. veronica even warned me you would tell josh.

but i didn't care, because i thought that someone whose girlfriend has been with another girl would understand.

but some people are just ignorant, hypocritical fucking mongoloids who don't know jack shit about what it's like.

and the award goes to josh.


fucking cunts.



i've got no trust for you.


no one's worth it these days.

X

night recconnaissance and vermillion lies

when we got to the fillmore at 6, there was hardly a line.

at 6:30, it went around the block.


when we got inside the theater, i started hyperventilating and alex told me to calm down and breathe.

relax, chris.


there was one small asian guy between me and the stage.

his head was up to my chest.

vermillion lies were amazing.

their song "organ donor's march" just makes me smile.

so does "planet porn."

there was something more amazing than that, though...


veronica and i were in the crowd and there were balconies everywhere.

in the corner, there was one that just stood out.

i figured it was amanda's dressing room.


soon enough, we both looked up and amanda fucking palmer was standing there, watching vermillion lies open.

it was her, oh it was her. her hair was a beautiful, chaotic mess, her neck long.

except we couldn't see her face. she was in the shadows.

me and veronica and caitlin watched her pretty much the whole time vermillion lies were performing.

of course we were freaking out and alex was telling us to do that when she actually came out on stage.

did we do what she said? NO :)

all of the sudden, paul, the magician who had been on stage, was up there with amanda.

they're holding onto each other's arms and they JERK towards one another and a FLASH goes off from a camera!

they were taking pictures, and in that flash, i saw amanda's bright pearly teeth.

just the movement gave everything away. this is what makes amanda amanda.

colorful and energetic.

she's an ARTIST.



when they came out on stage, oh my god. they both walked out in black, shiny plasticky overcoats with red trimming.

wearing hats similar to the one i wore on halloween, and masquerade masks covering their eyes.

they opened with girl anachronism. amanda is SO, SO, SO amazing to watch on the piano.

she plays like a wildebeast. she was beaming while she did this. her legs jolted everywhere from behind her bench

to the sustain pedal. she was wearing cherry red lipstick.


then they had taken off their overcoats and whatnot and kept performing.

multiple times, amanda looked my direction.

i thought that maybe it was just me that she was looking me in the eyes,

but i looked at veronica and she said "DID SHE JUST LOOK AT YOU?!!?!"

it wasn't just for a second though. amanda would look down at her piano for her hands placement,

and then look back up at me for moments at a time.


the best part of the concert was when amanda stood RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME on stage, maybe two feet away.

she was performing the gardener. she was holding a flower, and she walked behind a speaker and threw the flower.

it hit veronica right in the face, and she gave it to me.

that's what best friends are :)


"where is amanda? is she walking through the crowd?"

that's what everyone was thinking.

i said "no, she likes to perform Gardener on the balconies."

soon enough, there were spotlights searching and amanda was found up above leaning over the rail and singing to us.

she would switch balconies, because there were probably about ten around the room.



on every single guitar song, amanda would spend her time on our side of the stage.

brian touched my hand... :)

anyways, they spent close to three hours on stage.

and came out for not one encore, but two.

i put the flower in my dresden dolls companion so it can dry up and flatten out.



here's the memorabilia:

i took these videos and these pictures.

in this video, amanda's holding the flower i have.







i want A, i want A. made me laugh because they pause like that everytime they play it live.

especially when it goes, "never let him go, and i'll never be alone--go, and i'll never be alone--go and i'll never be alone"

like a skipping record on the song. but live they repeated it over ten times.

she also jerks her head when she plays that part.







look. she's pointing at me.













the fillmore felt like home.

not like the tegan and sara concerts with a bunch of college kids who looked like they were thinking

"i don't want to be here but you don't DESERVE to be here even though you WANT to be here and i DONT."

to tell the truth... the dresden dolls concert was 458763876 times better than the tegan and sara ones.

the fillmore smelled like weed and alcohol and the people were all energy. happiness everywhere.


speaking of davis, we met that guy who entered the american idol songwriting competition telling us to vote for him.

his name was ryan gilmore and he gave us a flyer. last night i was eating dinner and heard david archuleta from

the TV singing "in this moment" the song that ryan gilmore wrote. COOL :)

this week has just been amazing.


the coin operated boy walking down the line at the fillmore was cool, too.

especially when i came home and looked at the shores of california gallery and he was in it.


pixie was on stage and taking pictures and i was in a lot, i think. i mean...how could i not be.

so hopefully there will be some very nice professional pictures of amanda on stage and me screaming for her

put up after the small west coast tour.



i get sadder and sadder about joey every day.

he's fucking adorable.

:/

Camp Out

sometimes, i hear a new song and realize just how beautiful the world is.

i see quotes that i can't even pick meanings out of, yet it can still run chills through my body.

here's my favorite one:

Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, let all the snow collect on top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, "Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world."

i don't know. i just imagine a little girl on her dad's lap, curious about the world.

and the father is sharing his superficial advice, telling her lies that will turn her into someone no one wants her to.

allowing one more shallow somebody to be let into the world.



there are two more quotes.

from tegan and sara. something they've said.


Sara: "I know how i was born and i know that i have no choice. i know it may not show on the color of my skin, but i know it’s in my heart and in my soul."

this is obviously about being gay. which is beautiful because i relate.

Tegan: "There's more than blood that beats through my heart."

that one is just amazing.



an horse amazes me. listened to their music before they opened for tegan and sara.

they've become one of my favorite bands and they don't even have a full CD yet.

sara says every night, she watches them before her and tegan's show and feel like she's watching her favorite band perform,

and forgets that it's actually her show.




the whole "boy" situation...

is hard to explain.

we come from different sides. i don't fucking know.

i've never spoken ONE word to him.

it feels like one of those typical "do they know i exist?" situations.

i've never been in one.


...just, the little things he does..

in third period at the beginning of the year he used to sit by me.

i looked over at him a couple days ago in 3rd period and wondered why he was gone.

all of the sudden the teacher tells him to move because he's talking to chase too much.

and he comes and sits over right by me.

i was doing a crossword puzzle, and i see him sort of glancing at me.

then he leans over towards me, and points his finger at a word he found.

it made my stomach dance and i quietly smiled.

and i see words he doesnt, but don't want to circle them because i'm almost done and i want him helping me.

(i was reminded later that i was basically dumbing myself down)

when we had found all of them, he sat at his desk doing nothing.

but he fidgets :)


he's also in fourth period with me too.

he doesn't do anything in PE though because i guess he already took it three times or something so he hangs out with chase and my brother (a weird mixture)

he wears sunglasses and i look at him and he's looking my way but then again he isn't because he's wearing sunglasses and could just be coincidently looking my way.

but i still look at him and wonder if he thinks he's having an advantage and thinks i don't think he can see me looking at him.

i babble.

we were playing tennis and i dropped the ball and went over right by the ball to pick it up.

he appeared in front of it. i didn't look at his face but he took it with his feet and kicked it past me.

he sort of giggled. like he was teasing me in one of those...weird cute ways where it seems like he's trying to be mean but he's just playing games? because he's not the mean type... he's quiet and... from what i see, offbeat. like me.

i never looked up because i didn't want to give off a smile in front of my brother and whoever else and make it weird and obvious.

then berry blew the whistle and ruined the moment i wanted.


but the straight factor takes role.

it really hurts to like someone who you don't even know if they even like you're GENDER.

and it piles on. he's a senior.

school is over on the 30th.


bottom line, i can't get him off my mind.

it's sad thinking he might have not even thought a moment about me.


i'm gonna go camp out and think.

the concert is in two fucking days.


i'm off.

i feel closer to you now, hammy.


XXX

stepping on stones and burning bridges simultaneously

right now i'm doing my portfolio.

it's so fancy. i'm kind of proud of it.

everyone else's binder is white but mine's black.

for my cover page, i found a photo of the con, erased tegan and sara's names, and dragged it onto Word and typed over it.

chris kyriakos.

right beneath is the title of the album, the con.


wonderful.


the dresden dolls concert is in officially one week.

amanda says her voice is definitely ready, but at the same time it isn't.

her solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer, comes out two days after my birthday.


yesterday i went with vinnie and did community service at the senior center. his grandma maggie owns it.

she's so sexy.

right when i walked in late, maggie said "i have a proposition for you. go play piano!"

so for three hours i played piano for the old people. i even made five bucks in the tip jar (vinnies idea)

so fucking glad i memorized billions of songs.

the first song i played: i will follow you into the dark. then i played some more death cab. then some dresden dolls.

then some tegan and sara. then some more death cab. then some more dresden dolls. then some more tegan and sara.

then some improv.



as for the drama bullcrap that completely came out of the blue,

i don't even know and quite frankly i couldn't care less.

one side's asking Where the fuck did this come from and the other side's tugging away and saying Who cares it's not worth it.

the "Who cares one" is more aggressive. so it's winning.

all i can say is that you've met me twice and you dont know how i act in person.

because i honestly don't recall doing anything to act like a victim, except for on here.

and to judge me off something that was never meant to be read (my blogs) is pretty low.

because i came here to feel safe and let go and say what i want, not for it to be backfired in my face.



josh cursed at me and admitted to not liking me.

i wasn't phased because the guy's never met me and i guess it's his loss.

you can tell him i still like him, though.

tell him he's my bff for life.


i'm off. i'm benvolio in romeo and juliet.

it's amazing.


PS/ this blog had terrible flow.



everything is plastic, and everything's sarcastic.

the mouse and the model

i came here to...

basically say that i have a big secret that only two people know of.

one, if you don't include myself.

veronica ferris is the only one in this world who knows for a fact. someone i've told.



don't even bother getting it out of me.

persuasion is nothing.



and i'll tell the rest of you when i feel like it.

11 days until the dresden dolls.

42 until europe.


no virginia is orgasmic.


PS. when i think about reese, i feel like the past 5 years never happened.

i no longer remember what it's like to be in love.

reading romeo and juliet might have something to do with this.

in love or in lust.

i question all of it now.


...by the way, when i said PS, i didnt mean Post Scriptum.

i meant potato salad.



Goodnight, bestfriends who don't talk to me.


jealousy is a sad thing.

but ignorance is worse.

--------------------
X

Designing mouths.

last night i didnt sleep in my room.

i cant lay in bed and look at the poster on my wall of the dresden dolls and know "i stole from you..."

but i dont know. i still plan on buying their album.

i would never leave them hanging like that.

poor amanda. thats why she hasnt been on updating at all.

it would fucking suck to have an album of yours leak.


anyways...went on to theham.buzznet.com/user/journal.

saw this:



laughed at "does this blog make me look fat?"

then looked in the top right corner and smiled at the picture of sara in coachella.

her haircuts adorable.

i didnt pay attention to it in davis, though...

they both had haircuts.

anyways i took this video.

its my favorite one.



it was magical when they stopped playing all their instruments after the bridge just so everyone could sing.

"i just want back in your heeeaaaaddddd."

the guy jumping was fucking annoying.

but thank goodness i wasnt even holding up the camera as high as my face so i could see beyond him.

what makes me laugh is how right when the instruments do stop, he fades from sight.

then comes back.


chills went through my whole entire body.

PS. i watched juno yesterday.

---------------------------
X

Pierre

i feel like i'm being attacked.

dancing with devils.

off to the side feeling awkard and disgusting and bullied in quiet ways.

accidentally making friends in kelseyville mildly offended because i don't like their boyfriends because their boyfriends hate me.


you told me that josh was very sarcastic and i wouldn't understand it and you were right.

but i cant even tell if he was being sarcastic. just dry.

i know whats behind the words.

and i know more than just one side of the situation.

i'm pretty sure i have a brain....




got two texts at one time.

one said "josh doesnt want you to go to the show"

one said "are you going to the show tomorrow?"

then i say no and ask why and he tells me he's just wondering.

then i'm like okay.

then he thinks reese is taking me and i say eek and asks if shes going and he says who says eek.

and i say i do and he says okay have fun buddy and i say you too and he says jdskfhds;f and i say thats fancy and he says you
're not.




i decided my alias is pierre.

There once was a boy named Pierre,
Who only would say,
I don’t care.
Hear his story, my friend, for you’ll find at the end, that a suitable moral lies there
One day, his mother said, as Pierre climbed out of bed,
"Good morning, darling boy, you are my only joy."
Pierre said,
I don’t care.
What would you like to eat?
I don’t care.
Some lovely cream of wheat?
I don’t care.
Don’t sit backwards on your chair.
I don’t care.
Or pour syrup on your hair.
I don’t care .
You are acting like a clown.
I don’t care.
And we have to go to town.
I don’t care.
Don’t you want to come my dear?
I don’t care.
Would you rather stay right here?
I don’t care.
So his mother left him there.
His father said, “Get off your head
Or I will march you up to bed!”
Pierre said,
I don’t care.
I would think that you could see,
I don’t care.
Your head is where your feet should be.
I don’t care.
If you keep standing upside down,
I don’t care.
We’ll never, never get to town,
I don’t care.
If only you would say I care,
I don’t care.
I’d let you fold the folding chair,
I don’t care.
So his parents left him there.
They didn’t take him anywhere.
Now as the night began to fall,
A hungry lion paid a call.
He looked Pierre right in the eye,
And asked him: would you like to die?
And Pierre said,
I don’t care.
I can eat you don’t you see,
I don’t care.
Then you would be inside of me,
I don’t care.
Then you’d never have to bother,
I don’t care.
With the mother and your father,
I don’t care.
Is that all you have to say?
I don’t care.
Then I’ll eat you if I may.
So the lion ate Pierre.
Arriving home at 6 o’clock,
His parents had a dreadful shock.
They found the lion sick in bed.
They cried, "Pierre is surely dead!"
They pulled the lion by the hair,
They hit him with the folding chair.
His mother cried, where is Pierre?
And the lion answered,
I don’t care!
His father said,
"Pierre’s in there?"
They rushed the lion into the town.
The doctor shook him up and down.
And when the lion gave a roar,
Pierre fell out upon the floor.
He rubbed his eyes and scratched his head
And laughed because he wasn’t dead.
His mother cried and held him tight.
His father asked, "Are you alright?"
Pierre said, “I am feeling fine;
Please take me home it’s half past nine!”
The lion said, “If you would care,
To climb on me I’ll take you there!”
Then everyone looked at Pierre,
Who shouted, “Yes, indeed, I care!”
The lion took them home to rest,
Then stayed on as a weekend guest.
The moral of Pierre is care!

-----------------------
X

necessary evil

i'm so glad they're getting exposure.


like when they were mtv artists of the week....
:)



you have to watch it, hammy.



i'm out.
-----------------
X

Windwax

i can feel the wall in my brain.

this isn't going to be easy to write at all.

especially because i've gotten used to the keyboards at school.

no..mostly because i feel absolutely no creative flow tonight.


on sunday we drove to the coast and i got my limbs buried in sand.

it was cold and grey but i think that's what made it all the better.

on monday i woke up, got dressed all fancy with a flannel and blue jeans and new pair of macbeths.

left after second with goodbyes to camille and gia.

we are all fools for tegan and sara.


veronica didn't get to go...

we ditched school together and yeah. long story short, her mom is a psycho bitch. not going to lie.

so i physically dragged alex to get ready and in the shower she went.

i burnt CD's and brought magazines for the somewhat lengthy drive to davis.

we got lost in davis, gross flat farmland, pretty much.

because no online map directions are ever trustworthy towards the end.

"should we turn down this dirt gravel road to nowhere..? yeah sure. wait. there's a tractor coming down it."

we hung out with alex's friend breanna, who goes to davis. she's totally cool. i've known her forever.

after waiting in line in almost the back, we got into the building and were almost up front.

after waiting, an horse came on.

i have listened to them before and was overly-impressed.

they're from australia and their accents are adorable.

then, like last time, they left the stage and after waiting half an hour the lights went out and movement on stage was seen.

Dark, you can't come soon enough for me...

their setlist was almost the same as last time.

(american idol's on and i have a man-crush on jason castro...)

their stories were completely different this time, though.

they are so gifted. with everything. talent, humor...

i was fucking busting up in the crowd. i looked over at alex (stuck behind a gross stinky man)

and she was laughing her ass off at sara's story. harder than me.

anyways. tegan never gets very involved with sara's stories. she just kind of chimes in with every once in a while.

but when sara's talking, EVERYONE is looking at her.

so i looked at tegan, and she was at the xylophone. she dropped the sticks accidentally, picked them up, looked over at me, and smiled.

i beamed.

everything was just fucking...magical.

"see you in the fall" they said.



dresden dolls may 18th.

got the tickets along with your letter, hammy.

way to make me beam once again.



i'm tired, and need to do laundry.

see you on the flip side.


i really do not like blogging lately.

here's before they left the stage... i think after their encore.

so yes... last look.



tegan is pure hotness.


-------------------------
X

Man With Two Brains

i haven't blogged in what feels to be weeks.

...it's only been eleven days.


i've been thinking lately.

narrow minded epiphanies in my head.

i discovered and exposed that the only person i try to impress is myself.

i set out to feel self accomplished.

if someone i even consider impressing isn't impressed by what i think is impressing,

i'm impressed.

i'm dressed to unimpress once again. to all of you.

except for me.



impressions come in so many different forms, in my book.

i can impress myself when i dress successfully.

"you somewhat match today," i can think to myself.

(unlike most people i have the uncanning ability to have no sense of fashion-forward appeal)

clothes are the last thing on my mind though. at least when i'm looking in the mirror.


i had broken a promise to myself.

out of all the promises i make, i have to break this one.

because i'm a fool.

reese did exactly what i thought she'd do to me.

she just did it a lot sooner than i expected.

she comes into my life. makes an impact.

i get used to her. she's a part of me again...

and then, she leaves. she abandons me.

i'm in the dust, just like i have been so many years before.

and i keep letting her trample on over me, letting her do the same thing to me again even though i'm completely aware of it.

"maybe she won't do it this time."

i can make myself believe anything i want to.

that doesn't mean it's actually true though. and that's the worst part.

my head makes no sense.

my heart makes no sense.



i am NOT the man with two brains.

i wish i could have two. one in my head, and one in my pants.

but here comes the "chris is different" role in my life.

the brain in my head completely overthrows the one in my pants.

this is the only reason i would ever wish to be like every other guy.

to forget about girls and never fall in love and go around fucking everyone.

"it's not the way i'm meant to be. it's just the way the operation made me."


i want a car and a plane ticket and money and a loyal friend.


cut myself the other day.

second time in my life.

again. on the stomach.

i don't even know why.

i wasn't even on edge.

i was just sick of everything, of everyone and how the world's changed so much as i grew up.



maybe everyone's been this way the whole time.

but now i'm just realizing it.



that everyone is plastic, and everyone's sarcastic.

--------------------------------

X

The Kill

i fought the british and i won.

but sometimes it's still really hard to look at your face and not see what i used to love.

and though it kills my strong guard wall to say this, you made today worthwhile.


today was the best you've ever treated me.

i don't even know what it was.

once i put in mr magoriums wonder emporium, that hard-to-get switch turned off.

you were just.. nice.

i could talk to you so easily. we were friends again.

we laughed and just talked about stupid stuff.

you looked at me when you talked.

you looked at me when i talked.

and that really meant the most.

i also made you laugh the hardest i've ever seen you laugh.

i'm sorry our chocolate chip cookie dough tasted like old gum.

"Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty"-John Lennon

i couldn't explain how i feel about myself any better.



today was perfect in its own way.

my insecurites melted away once i saw how amazing your smile is.

you left out the door a few minutes ago.

...i want you back in my house.

which isn't good.

Delilah, by the Dresden Dolls.

i'm the girl.




their concerts next month. all ages, thank God. i'm asking mom about the tickets tonight.

what's surprising is they cost a couple more bucks than tegan and sara's.

i'm listening to their new song The Kill, which is going on their new album No, Virginia...

they recorded with a keyboard on this album, which i'm adjusting to the difference. but it sounds really good, i decided,

and cleaner. i think this was also recorded with amanda's shiny new voice, from the surgery she had on her throat-area

because of her voice nodules.

it's actually old and i knew it for a long time, but this is the first recorded version.

No, Virginia.. and their previous album Yes, Virginia...

because No, Virginia contains all of the outtakes and cut songs from the other records.





i am. fucking. stoked. for the next month and a half. and summer.


i love everything.

X----

bionic boulders...

another sleepless night.
i cant really blame myself, though. i sleep in waayyy past due time.
sleepless nights are harmful to your.. sleeping patterns?

i don't fucking know.

sometimes i lay in bed with my ipod, and cant remember changing the song to the current track.
sometimes i wonder why in the world Q-Tips are named what they are.
sometimes i wonder how that small black lab can achieve leaping over my fence to knock my dog up.

now all she does is hump me.
naughty freak.

mom's planning to abort bella's babies if she's pregnant..
"they won't be babies yet. just embryos."
whatever those are.
...i called her a baby killer.


reese and veronica magically connect to the song Nineteen.
what they dont know is that i do, too.
i just think they relate to the first line of the song:

"i felt you in my legs, before i ever met you."

they can interpret it as fucking.
a LOT of people do.
but i interpret it as feeling weak in the knees, your legs, they're about to fall out from under you.
it's just not like tegan to all of the sudden write about sex.
especially because the following lines are:

"i feel you in my heart, and i don't even know you.
now we're saying bye."


breanna makes me a little angry.
mostly because she steals caitlin from us all and invites herself down and hardly even talks to us.
one time me her and caitlin were all sitting in robins car waiting for theee parentals to come out of the store.
and i, as usual, was explaining to her the depth of tegan and sara's music and just how overall brilliant they are.
and of course, their music was playing on the cd i had in.
she said "i don't like them, see, i actually like music that has a beat."

i turned on the radio and on came loud screamo music with crashing drums and just overall tone-deaf disaster.
"a beat like THAT," she said.
i turned and looked back at her, and half-snapped "that's not a beat, that's a CLASH."
she didn't say anything.

it's not that i have a high temper...
it's more like not having tolerance for people so ignorant to the world of what's music, and what's not.

i mean i'm no beethoven, i'm the farthest thing from it, i'm unconventional and classical teachings just see me as a foreigner.
but someone who can allegedly point fingers and call something what it's not is just.. upsetting to me.


anyways, i'm excited for the concert.
and camille's best friend gia just moved here from the seattle area.
so i get to see this amazing girl.

actually, truth be told, i saw her like three months ago at the mall.
i was walking around with caitlin and i heard behind me "chriisss, we love yooouuu."
i turned and saw camille and gia.
never got a good look at gia, didn't really speak to her.
i actually thought she lived in like.. windsor or something.


anyways... i'm off like...
myself on a balancing beam?

kfhg;dfg;

-----------------------------------
X

Curled away

i'm not really sure why it hurts as much as i don't want it to.

it's just sort of painful seeing that picture of reese and ariel making out.

old quote i wrote--
"anyone can take away the only people i want in life."

this is an A class example.

it's not heartbreaking.

it's not pulsating in my throat.

it's like a little prick in my finger.

but those little pricks have been coming excessively lately to the point where it's just like laying in a field with little needles poking at your neck and shoulders and skin.




everything just hurts in the smallest yet worst ways possible.

i am a plain fucking Virgo Bitch.


another prick in back of my head:

during winter, when it was grey,

i'd text reese and we'd talk about the rain that was pouring down that moment.

she'd say "i want you in my bed"

and i'd say ditto.

and we'd smile and flirt and make Plans.



today i told her winter went by way too quickly, and that spring could "eat a deck."

her reply was "yeah right! the rain pisses me off."


that's what hurt.

how our past has become something she hates.


People Are Fucked Sideways.

Xxx

black marquees and crossouts

i think i'm the least productive prodigy on the planet.

tonight's just another one of those nights where i just come here just to adjust my justness.

i came here because..

well, story put short, i live in cloverdale.

i fucking loathe the word Just.



here's my coolest photo up to date:




i've been drawing on tablets and editing photos like there's no tomorrow.

spilling ice water on customers at the bluebird's pretty embarrassing...

especially when you have to make an awkward quirk like "would you like some water..?"

and then they dont laugh, because they dont want me to recover.


i noticed all i draw is lesbians.

alls i know is that if i was a chick i'd be the coolest dyke out there.

i love them.



my brain's melting.

i have nothing to write about except for yesterdays and tomorrows.

i never have enough memorial capacity to be able to write about todays.



it's good having reese back-ish in my life.

it makes me glad when she comes around the corner at lunch and plops down by me.

like.. friends again. and whatnot.

because there have been a lot of rocks inbetween.


vinnie and i aren't on good terms.

i told him "you lie and manipulate people just to get what you want from them."

everything is plastic, and everyone's sarcastic.


i'm out like a fat girl in dodgeball.

-------------------------
X

summer skin rush.

one tasty morsel at a time.

i can't get farther away from you.

it's impossible.


but this summer will break that word, because i'll be halfway around the world.

everything i'm excited about, i'm not excited as i should be.

maybe because i've done most of what i've wanted to get done.

seen what i thought i should see.



i should be blowing my guts out in excitement for europe.

normally i would.

but there's something gone. it's that rush.

i don't get that rush until i am in within a day of the event.


i can't fucking wait for tegan and sara.

i can't fucking wait for europe.


...honestly, truthfully, if i had to choose between the two,

i'd pick tegan and sara.

17 days in europe or a couple of hours with the girls on stage.

but it's okay, i guess... i don't have to make a choice.

because i'm doing both.



i've never wanted summer more than i have been.

because.. i'll be lonely.

yes. i want summer to come so i can be lonely.

i'm not being sarcastic...

there's another feeling that comes along with being sad with yr music and your loneliness.

it's almost... likable.

does that sound crazy?

especially during warm nights when i'm out on the lawn with my eyes closed.

"nobody likes to, but i really like to cry."

(the con verse 1)

part of what makes this song so relatable to me.



fucking pathetic? i know.


i'm just hoping to God this summer won't be like last.

please no more one-inch-away suicide attempts.


falling in love with death cab.

plans just amazes me.


there are so many sounds of summer in that album...

everything is just special.



walking with a ghost and back in your head remix drives me wild...



imagining you crying on your way home, in the bathroom, and before a doorway breaks my heart, hammy.

close your eyes, clear your mind, you're free to fly.


i'm out like a deaf kid in musical chairs.

------------------------
X

Clever Meals

whoever said that there's plenty of fish in the sea,

and that only one of them is right for you.

...well, that's wrong.


did that person really think that out of 6,465,678,071 people in the world,

only ONE of them is the right person?

that's a lie.

it's just a choice of committing.

so if you lined up all of the ones that were right for you, what would you do?

i'd find a blindfold and let you spin me around until i stop.

my pointer finger will be towards the lucky one.

but love is not a game.

a game is something you can win...




last night was better than last friday night's.

last friday nights was spent on the railroad tracks with vinnie and danae.

and although i did get to grab at danae's boobs and whatnot and let her crawl on me,

yesterday was better.

i count on camille to be brilliant.


she draws better than me, in my opinion.

normally, this would bother me. but she's so real, it doesn't matter.

we both hide out and keep secrets and tell secrets and like good music.

no more masks.




yesterday in biology, megan was talking about her little mood ring.

right when i heard that i blurted "ohh i wanna do it."

she handed it to me and right when i touched it, i heard her say "WOAH."

i slipped it on my ring finger and asked why she said that.

"it turned BRIGHT blue like Right when you touched it... that means you're in love."

so i'm still trying to figure who that is.

maybe they're right in front of me and i don't even know it.



i need to stop looking.



close your eyes, free your mind, you're free to fly.


last night's rendezvous consisted of watching party monster and playing piano.

reese has been nice lately...



close your eyes, free your mind, you're free to fly.

-----------------------

X



---------

fall out boy

pulling words apart in my mind.

thoughts about reese have eased.

in a good way.

i'm realizing that i just want to be friends with her.

but i mean actually FRIENDS.

because in both of our lives, we've never been JUST FRIENDS.

is it funny to hear that i consider reese as an ex-girlfriend?



i realized, half the time i'm pushing people away for the wrong reasons.

but there's no wrong in needing time for only me, is there?

there's hardly ever any fallouts between me and reese..

this all happens in my head.

and this is when i realized, i am a fall out boy.

i fall and fade into people, get to know them, and push them away.

i'm beginning to think that maybe i'm the hard-to-get one after all.

maybe i'm one of those People that Always Leave.

maybe i'm the fisherman and you're all the fish.



i know reese wants to have fun.

i just don't grasp some concepts as easy as others.

like, i'm not the kind of guy who's gonna go out to all the parties and get laid and whatever else you do.

i'll take the blame for being just..different than other people.

but now i understand..seriously.



i'm not going to try and change anyone for my own sake and say it's for theirs.

because i never planned to and i never tried to.

i'm just a kid.

i make mistakes, and when i know i make one, i just try to avoid it next time around.

but avoiding doesn't always work, because sometimes i'm just falling back each step into every other crack i tried to skip.

i just all want this to be easy today.

i know it won't,

but there's no harm in wanting something you know you can't have.



..irony, right?

no one will understand that.

i've harmed myself and others over something i've wanted and couldn't have many, many times.

but i've learned.

and at the end of the day, i'm home and tired watching the rain with bella and napping.

..she sleeps when it rains...

hoping that the next day my thoughts will lay low and hide out,

so it will all be easier to get through.



"Everything will be perfect someday."


PS. I finished my song.



bottom line, i just miss people.

but most of all, i miss me.

I've learned my alphabet...

all i want to do is get things done and get things over with.

i just want everything solved down to one little point and whenever i need something, i can just look there.

i won't have to search for answers anymore.

i want everything to be in tact, i want everyone to tell the truth and be honest.

i'm being selfish and a jerk because i don't want to hear what anyone has to say.

not the kind of things they're saying about my problems,

just the words that come out of their mouths.

like "dinner's almost ready."

or "i'm washing clothes."

for the past three days i've been biting my lips to keep my mouth shut and not say anything dry.

music is the only thing i don't want blocked out right now.

i've been in my little hermit shell all along just waiting to outgrow it,

but now it feels like i'm never going to.

i'm going to be curdled up inside of it, pushing on it, trying to get it to crack open so i can crawl out and find another one that i can grow up inside and mature more.

and when that one cracks, i'll be on my own away from "people."

baked potatoes sound fucking gross right now.

the bland smell matches perfectly to my attitude and state of mind.



i lost a tooth today,

and i might have to get glasses.

that's all.

the only thing i'm waiting for is the concert tickets.

i miss alex.

tegan and sara's music has played three more times on one tree hill.

thank goodness that can save me.



i'm off to eat mush.

fight me.

i've known this for a long time,

but fear telling anyone because i never have a worthy reason for my proof.

never anything in particular, nothing specific....



i know you just Don't Want Me To Be Happy.

because you try and crush anything and anyone i take second thoughts about.

that, my friend, is the lowest point you can ever reach.

you're fucking low, reese.



it may not seem low to you...

but crushing my dreams out of your jealousy because you can't do them yourself,

fucking low.


you've tried to crush:

Hammy
Blair
Ashley
Caitlin
Vinnie


you name it.

but in the end the only one who's feeling crushed is you.

because you can crush my HammyBlairAshley dreams for maybe a few hours, but you'll last way longer than that.


i have possibilites, hope.

it may not seem like it, but i have twice what you do.



i want you to rage in jealousy over the fucking tegan & sara concert.

and don't you dare try to invite yourself again.

go if you want, i don't know what part of you you'll be satisfying, but go.

just know that you're not coming with me.

caitlin's amazing and it takes someone who actually KNOWS her to know that.

don't talk shit about people you don't fucking KNOW.

so get off your judgmental fake little ass and Learn something.

fight me.

with your fists, with your words, i don't care.

just fucking fight me.

because fighting for something real is more filling than being okay with something phony.

i bet this stings, right?

it's your wake up call.

wake up, wake up.

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HUMAN.





xx

The Convict

everybody speak your minds, but don't say a word.

my headaches are gone.

tell me the truth but make sure it's false.

i'm old enough to tell whether you're there, away, or here with me.

strike off a mile to the left from my bench and i could be right next to you.

the books are piling higher, just as my thoughts do.

and they're always in favor of you.

your old magazines and paper fairy wings buried beneath the floors of your bed, just like you said.

"is there something undefined?"

there must be something intertwined.

"is there something on your mind?"

YES, there's something on my mind.

because you always said that i could be the one for you.

and in the morning you'd wake up and think of me.

but at night i'd be the last one you'd ever see.

at night i'd be the last one you'd ever see.

because at night you'd never be with me.


i never thought it was about who was good for who,

or what we do in making it true.

i just thought it would all go away,

next tuesday will be good if i stay home. Again.

baking sweets all day just waiting for small updates,

and truth be told.. they taste better than you.






i've spent the last day and a half working on this..

it's so offbeat and phonetically terrible, though.

but i've made amazing progress with it so far as a song.

it's the only one i've stuck with lately.

for some reason, i love it.

the way i sing along with it makes it almost sound like a rap.

with a bounce up bounce down rhythm during the busy lines.

then i listened to more of This Business of Art.

and my technique is very similar to that.




anyways... i'm just sucking down second thoughts.

i just want to trade in my old shoes for new feet and watch low-budget telethons.



oh, also... sharon bought me tegan & sara tickets for the davis show at freeborn hall.

..stoked much?






XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
goodnight.

No matter which way you stay

it's funny how your thoughts can completely impair and obstruct your vision of the ceiling above,

when you're in bed just staring at it.




you're not the only one who can't imagine you without jish..

when i think of you, i think of you and josh. together.

and if you're not with him, you're thinking of him, and you're missing him

or you're texting him or talking to him via telephone.

and i don't doubt you if even for a second when you say you're in love.



i'm not sure why i needed to say all that...

it's not like you ever questioned me questioning you.

sometimes i just think you feel you need to be told that everyone knows you and him are in love.




it's good.


sometimes i just lay awake and think of what you're doing at that moment.

what's she thinking about?

josh.

is she doing the same thing i'm doing? just laying in bed awake with her music and thinking?

maybe she's eating more ramen, or playing with chloe.

maybe she's just asleep and dreaming like the rest of us should be.





i was listening to walking with a ghost just now.

in bed, trying to grasp the concept of the lyrics.

it's hard to do with lyrics like that.

so much repetitiveness, but it means something.

having the strong urge to look them up on songmeanings.net

but i like having my own interpretation every once in a while.

i don't want to be influenced right now.




that was the first song i had ever heard by tegan and sara.

about two years ago, i saw it on michaela lawson's profile (reese's bestfriend...)

i loved it. and went onto itunes and searched their music.

of course i did the unthinkable, and found that the other music wasn't as interesting.




they proved me so wrong.


two years later they're the most amazing band to me.

bought the the new album The Con just so i could get to know their music a few months before the concert,

but had no idea that i'd fall so madly in love with them.

i love how things fall into place like that.

just waiting in the crowd. everyones quiet and they had just came out for their encore.

once i saw that sara had the acoustic, and tegan had the electric, i knew the song.

not that there aren't other songs with acoustic and electric...i could just tell. you know?

there was whispering, and then four small drum thumps on stage.

then the four arpeggiated notes.

and everyone goes crazy.

alex was appreciative because that was pretty much the only song she knew by them.


silly girl.




thought i'd share. i was reviewing the videos of them i took on my phone at the concert.

then i remembered nicks in chico right now staying in alex's apartment number nineteen.

...he's going up to tahoe to snowboard...

lucky betch.

(not the boarding part, just the snow, and seeing alex...)



i watched one tree hill and pete wentz was on it throughout like the whole episode.

guest star or something...has a fling with peyton...

it's loco.

anyways peyton was wearing a dresden dolls shirt a few episodes ago...

and i paused it and took a picture of it with my phone.

then walking with a ghost came on.

...so you see what i mean when i say things fall into place.





my throat's been hurting.

it's sore as fuck and i have no idea why.

i'm not coughing, sneezing,

my voice isnt even raspy.

it feels like there's brick in it.

it hurts especially when you're layin on your back trying to sleep.

the swallowing process makes it feel like there are weights crushing yr throat.




anyways....i just needed to get some random thoughts out.

nothing like a good old rendezvous on blogspot.

puts the cherry on top of my late night.



PS. i watched a parody on comedy central of sex in the city.

now i'm glancing over my shoulder at the real show,

and the comedians couldn't have done a better impression.



PS. #2: you're love song is done.

--------------------------

X


it's day 2 of this blog. i didn't feel like making a whole new one.

it sounds like less of a struggle.

so i just went to edit.




today i left my house by myself.

walked to jefferson and sat on the swingset.

then i meandered to the front of the elementary school and laid beneath the two humungous trees.

some square teachers walked by looking at me weirdly.

i think they caught me talking to myself a couple times..

i was gone for a couple hours.



cloverdale is so different when you're going through it alone.

i felt like a stranger.




anyways, i just got back from longs.

my sore throat has expanded into terrible headeaches, and blood-red eyes.

my veins reach the brown surrounding the pupil.

i can feel them beating, like my heart.

so i got some advil, some airborne, some raspberry herbal tea, and some redness relief Visine...

the tea. it's tasty. delicious.

very tea-ish.




who would have thought, right?!




i slept terrible last night.

more than i have in a long time.




anyways, the start of my diet i was 229.

this morning i got on, and i was 217.

good job, chris.



i might update later...

the Tea feels fucking amazing on my throat..


i'm off to watch a movie.

----------------------

x

The Red Curtain

i decided that you can't get under my skin. not if i don't let you.

all i have to say is that you're not the only one that's changed.

we both have.

you for the worse, and me for the better.

i've just become stronger and less tolerant and less naive, i'm not letting you do what you've done to me again.

you've taken things for granted from me, but in the future, you're never going to be able to do that.

i'm Not Sorry that i have nothing to say to you in person,

because even the littlest word can be the biggest waste of breath on you.

maybe i can find love in the same place that i found you;

in a dark corner.

..but then again, if that's where i found you, why would i EVER want to look there again?

silly me.

--------------------



music video for THE CON right below.

the video is not nearly as good as the song but here it is.




&

an acoustic performance of dark come soon. i like this even better than the record version.




for now, i'll let my thoughts simmer.


X

Decomposition

do you ever feel like you're just having one of those days?

you feel like everyone is gone.

like they're here, but it's not the same as it should be.

everyone just seems gone.




i feel like everything is just decaying right in front of me.

my world is so blank today.

partly because everyone came home today and went straight to sleep.




do you ever walk into a room and think of how bad the lighting is?

like, not the fixtures, just the way it pushes against the mood you're in.

i don't want light in every crevice i can see... i just want a little.

then you turn down the light and its too dark.

so you find somewhere in the middle, and it still just doesn't fit.

my atmosphere is just so out of whack, i'm going berserk.





everyone's gone.



i'll be spending my valentine's day valentine-less, as usual...

i'm just glad i won't have to face it at school.

(i only have monday, tuesday and wednesday this week... then i have the next monday off)

thank goodness for the fair.

it will take my mind off whatever it's on.




sorry reese but you won't be getting another heart-shaped-red-velvet-box-of-chocolates from me again.




planning to wear comfy sweats to school all this week.

dressed to un-impress.

i decided that school is a second home, and everyone there you know, so in a way, it's sort of your family.

without the sharing blood part...that would just be weird.





i went to tex wasabi's last night.

basically the sexiest restaurant out there (besides the bluebird, of course...)

i saw jake green there.

honestly, i can't stand that kid.

we never got along.



just another one of those kids who pretends they're stupid so they'll make the others laugh.





anyways, i'm off to eat orange sherbert.


l8r, sk8rz!


PS. quote of the day; "sometimes people play hard to get because they need to know that the other person's feelings are real."

If i could follow you home today

things are different lately.


the break from the rain is actually good.


the weather is perfect, actually.


it's sunny, cool, warm, breezy, glowing all at once.

i leave my windows open.





i feel cut off from everyone i know.


and it's tearing me apart.




sorry i broke the rules.



if josh hates me for telling the truth,

then honestly,


i don't care.


mom bought me Water for Elephants and Kite Runner.

i'm excited to read them.

her birthday is tomorrow.



lately, there's more to life than looking for things you apparently "need".


right now i'm taking in what i've got.

like the weather!


veronica called me a homewrecker after i explained the whole situation to her.


after she saw my reaction she said "it's okay, i am too" and smiled.


she's so grand.




all i want to do right now is find myself and treat others nicely because most of them deserve it.

the others (reese) can still treat me like a piece of glass,


but trust me when i say this,

it's not getting in the way of the sun.


because i've crawled out of the darkness and only the sun can melt this all away.



"everything will be perfect someday."

despite my dull words and descriptions and updates,

today is as close to perfect as a day has ever been.


right now.





Someday will be soon.


but you've got Someday in the palm of your hand, allie.




i'll push it all away, just like you can push me.




PS. i think i've found my concrete.

christopher incognito

headline theft:

One more special message to go, then I'm done, and I can go home ..I love myself better than you, I know it's wrong, but what should I do?



for now i'm holding out on your love song.


"getting out of your hair."


had more epiphany splatters


felt like coming out of the shell to stop hiding things from people,

but now i feel like going back in.


incognito.



starting to wonder if it was the thing to do.


it's okay if you do what josh wants you to.


PS. fuckup.

epiphany splatter

maybe i'm just in the wrong place,

wanting the wrong people,

looking for everything i think i need

in the wrong spots.






PS. i'm still aching for the photo.

i bet you're holding it against me for your love song.





Goodnight.

Capsized, erring on the edge of safe.

i don't like my family today.


this is my second time blogging in the past 16 hours.


i'm doing amazing on my diet so far.


i burned leik 300 calories on the treadmill yesterday.

mom got on it tonight, and i heard a bang and a smash and yeah..



so basically i broke the treadmill.




feel like writing personal letters to all my good friends.

but i dont have the willpower to package them and send them off, and struggle for stylish poststamps.

yesterday i almost ripped the letter to youknowwho in half.

... just for kicks.


there's an envelope right next to me from --Toronto, Ontario, Canada.


aunt sandy is so sexy.

so is yia yia and popouli.

...greek for grandma and grandpa.

haven't seen them in years.



i miss my trips to fun, snowy canada..

chandeliers and comfy beds.

cherry red front doors.

criss crossed windows.



spelled out your name and list the reasons, faint of heart, don't call me back..

i imagined you when i was distant, non insistent.





sorry if i violated your Taken Status when i put my arm around you for tine's photo.


i hope that's not the reason for you always ignoring me when i suggest you to send it.

...notice i said "by message."





i listened in, yes i'm guilty of this, you should know this....

i broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to.

forget, forgotten, i am moving past this giving notice.

i have to go, yes, i know the feeling.

now you're leaving.



this french girl named angelique on rock of love really bothers me.


send that hoe back to bordeaux.

..look, i rhymed.




hid out in my blue room AKA ALEX' S (not my red one)

teaching myself guitar, sitting up against the backboard of the bed.


it's an OCD type thing.

when my new favorite band comes along, I MUST learn this instrument.

engrave it in my brain and learn faster than i can in worthless biology.

at least music lasts forever and could bring me somewhere.





the song "take me anywhere" by tegan & sara deeply remind me of Courtney.

i don't know why.


death is a solid threat.





danae
(a very close friend, meaning i've been over to her house countless times, and sit by at lunch everyday, and walk around town with)

is leaving to the same cancer treatment location in texas that courtney went to.

for her melonoma.

near valentine's day.




i'm saving up for my trip to kelseyville.

i haven't counted my money yet, but i'm sure i'm close to twenty bucks... possibly more.



come down and visit the fair coming to my town.


we can lie against the walls of the gravitron, the one ride that makes me want to hurl.





i wanna lie close enough to you to be able and wonder whose heartbeat is whose.


hopefully i got something out through this blog.




one day, i'll start bottling up all my feelings and tears and red cheeks and frowns and smiles and then finally make it into one

award winning blog.



i think it's funny too, how we don't know how to act to each other in person.

i think it's good though..

what did we say to each other when we chatted on the phone for the first time?

THAT was awkward, and we talked about your math.

but it all worked out over a matter of about an hour of all-in-all phone time.

so when i see you enough, this quietness, it'll pass.


sorry i can't describe my love to you in person.

it's hard enough talking to you normally, because time passes up so quickly and it feels like it's just another one of my dreams about you.

it's amazing seeing someone who you're always talking to,

someone who knows all your secrets, all your feelings, reads your private diaries

who you've only seen once in your life before wednesday.


it'll be like that next time, too.



that's why i need pictures.


hopefully my fidgeting and darting eyes added to my levels of Bleeker.

butterflies like crazy.

out of the box: my feelings for you tonight are exploding.



i didn't feel awkard on wednesday, though... surprisingly, not at all.

i hardly talk,

because i just like looking at you...

because i never get to.





Amen.

off to lay in bed with my misery and music.


...just the music part, actually.

not in the mood for being miserable.


"not in the mood for being miserable/angry/sad/jealous" could be the cure to my life.


i'll learn to avoid it.

goodnight.

It's a sure-type thing

yelled at caitlin for two minutes telling her to drive me to you.
yanked off my long johns and pulled on my jeans.


felt anxious and nervous, stomach sinking and rising at the same time.
one moment it's falling out my butt, the other it's falling out my mouth.


i have this crush, you see...
the way she wears her make-up, the way she sits in that sexy van...
the way she said hi to me..



her name's tine.



L-O-L
J-K.


you looked adorable, even though you hadn't showered in three days.
those ten minutes were the best moments of the year so far.


i'm a car crash.


shell station is officially a monument in cloverdale, CA.




life in cloverdale: amazing lately, for some reason.

opinions on reese: feel sort of sorry for her. i can tell she has no real friends, so she's trying to flood in with all of the popular abercrombie kids.


in the hallway, waiting for spanish to start.
i was staring at a couple outside the window making out by the wall.
..sounds creepy, but it was just one of those times where you're staring and then you realize what you're looking at.


reese was alone. and walked right in front of me.
didnt look at me.
not a glance.
not a word.


you don't look at me.
you don't fucking look at me.
you don't look at me.


be a fucking human being for once in your life.

you'd be one of those bad, sappy love songs that make people vomit.



..i can't even tell how much i look at you.
and you fucking know it.


PS. i think you're gaining weight.

Floorplan

hammy. i want you to be with me at home, and at school.


you can always be the one to say to me "you look like you need to blog."


like my own little four-foot-ten CONscious.



this is the floorplan i made for reese: everything you say either makes me angry, depressed, or fucking jealous.


it's amazing how sweet i am to you when you're feeling fucked, but how careless you act towards me when you can tell something's up.



i dont think it's hard to look at me.
sure i may not be a pretty sight,


but it's nice to be respected and acknowledged like you actually know me.

because, if you haven't noticed, you do.




i'm tired of your mood swings. i'm tired of your personality shifts.


and i'm sick of you.




it's hard to get my point across. but bottom line, you get to me, reese.

you just fucking get to me.


i now know, hammy, what it feels like to want to rip out your own veins.

but do you know what it's like to want to rip out someone else's?





flipped you off today behind your back.


glad you noticed.



just received a forward from gabi.

send it to ten people and something will make you very happy.


i wish things were as simple as forwarding a text times ten.


just started feeling woozy. dizzy. real tired.



gave you the two other cd's of it was you and so jealous.
thought i'd be nice cause you were all sad.


i regret doing favors like that for you.


velvet boxes of chocolates and candy roses.



things you take for granted, you know, the usual...



quote of the day "It's not about who wins or loses, it's about chance."

...i've already lost.


but it's coming for you one day.
it does for everyone.

you're going to fucking lose, reese.



that'll be the best day of my life.



i just want you to experience one moment of the horror and depression that YOU put me through.


you need a fucking personality makeover, and one huge reality check.


friends? would you like to know what i did when vinnie left?
went into my room and fucking cried.


fucking balled.



"ohhhhhh, it's what you do to me..."
that line is no use for me anymore.
it's not the butterfly effect,

i just want you to Eat A Dick.






a part of me wants to bitch you out and throw you off a cliff.
the other part of me just wants to say Fuck You, you're not worth my time.


So far, the second one's winning.


PS. Speak slow is my favorite.

Encircle me, I need to be taken down

stomping home in the pouring rain with The Con blasting in my ears.



grey clouds. slanted raindrops. wind.


converse. amazing jacket --which surprisingly when i watched The Con music video, tegan has one very similar.. ca ching ;) --

[it may or may not have been on purpose]

anyways. converse. amazing jacket. old man sweater. and my green jeans.


sometimes i amaze myself with my bizarre choices of wardrobe.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.




stomping.

heart pounding.

heart breaking.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.

anger filling the face.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.


The Con makes the walk so much better, and surprisingly even the song itself, as though it couldn't get any better.


walking to the thump thump of the drums.
when you look straight down at your feet and watch them walk, it looks like you're looking through a fish eyes lens.


rain is an amazing CONcept.


can't wait for the CONcert.


this wasn't much of an update.

maybe tomorrow.


PS: <3

Into the ocean...

her casket was white and gold with a large bundle of pink flowers on the top.





..she's the cute blonde one.


the room didn't fit two thousand people.
but we squeezed them in there.


impossible is just a word.


standing and seeing them carry the coffin while listening to "in the arms of an angel" through the speakers makes it extremely, extremely hard to contain your tears.

lips trembling, water grasping onto my eyes just by its miniscus, but when it got too thick, it poured.


i haven't been to a funeral since i was 6, before today.

i realized that all her friends and family had one common thing i knew:
she was always, always smiling.
despite her condition, despite her adversities, she was smiling.

all the time.

"she was told her time was limited, she was told she might die, but she refused to let it kill her dream."
she had a petition for animal rights, or something, that she wanted the president to see.

they told times of when she and her best friends were all in one room talking about boys and drama and hatred, and she got mad and yelled at everyone "i just love everyone okay! stop fighting!"
and the crowd laughed.


anyone who would try to avoid seeing her in the newspaper would not succeed.


they had amazing speakers who were pastors at the funeral, hammy.
you should have heard them.


"sara beth" by rascal flatts was courtney's requested song:



SaraBeth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruise it just wont go away

So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
'Til the nurse with a smile stands at the door
And says "Will you please come with me?"

SaraBeth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

Six chances in ten it wont come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved it's the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time
SaraBeth closes her eyes

And she dreams she dancin' around and around
Without any cares
And her very first love
Is holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair

SaraBeth is scared to death
as she sits holding her mom
cause It would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

For just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
Yet She cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
SaraBeth closes her eyes

And she dreams she dancin' around and around
With out any cares
And her very first love
Was holding her close
And the soft wind was blowing her hair

It's quarter to seven
that boy's at the door
Her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap they all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly she touches just skin

They go dancin' around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love
Is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared








love,
Chris

Flash

i havent been swept over with the grief of a person's death in a long time.

not since my granny died.


i was sitting in the back seat with breanna, caitlin's friend, a girl i've only met three times.
robin was sitting in the passengers seat, caitlin was driving.
i looked down admiring my new shoes, thinking of how simple they were.
just staring at them.
robins phone rings and its my mom. into their conversation, i hear robin gasp.
"oh...that's..that's terrible. that's so sad. i'll make sure and tell chris."
lifted up my face in alertness. caitlin kept saying "did cynthia die?!" (my hamster.)

he gets off the phone and says "courtney passed away this morning."


surrealism overtakes your brain,
overwhelmed.
cupped my mouth and let the tears pour down my cheeks.
looked out the window at the night sky and watched the rain as we sped down the highway.

i heard the 'that's so sad." i heard the 'who's courtney?' from breanna.

i looked out the window and thought of her on the way to fresh choice.
not saying anything, snorting, sniffing "oh my god.."

i remember the candlelight we had for her at the plaza when everyone first got the news she had cancer.

i remember seeing her at the football game.
i looked at her for a moment, not recognizing her because of the weight she had lost.
she was covering up her baldness with a beanie, from the chemotherapy..
i yelled "COURTNEY?!"
she yelled "CHRIS?!" and i ran up and embraced her.

i remember walking into rays. looked to my left, saw her beanie covered head, she turned around.
she was with her best friend alanna and shelby.
they were giggling and yelling 'CHRIS CHRISS!!'


i remember when vinnie and i were walking home on a FUCKING HOT day.
she drove up beside us in a minivan, and said "chris! vinnie! do you guys want a ride?"
we accepted graciously.
she was still wearing the beanie.

she was always smiling.
she was so fucking sweet.


with her baldness came insecurity, though.
but many, many, many of her friends came together, including the girls, and shaved off ALL their hair just for courtney.
so she wouldnt feel alone.


she was a part of everyone's lives in cloverdale.
she had the whole town behind her for support.
everyone loved her.


her blonde hair, her freckles.

just last week we drove by the huge pole that holds the electronic sign by the citrus fair.
the first flash said 'HELP" the second said 'COURTNEY' the third said 'FIGHT.'

not courtney davis, no. just courtney. EVERYONE knew who she was.

another thing, too..she lived right around the corner from me, up the small hill.
i was walking past her house a week and a half ago, and there was a huge sign on her garage door that said 'WELCOME HOME COURTNEY.'
she had just gotten back from texas, for treatment.


when we got out of the car by fresh choice, by which time i had mostly stopped crying, caitlin got out and opened her arms for a hug.
i put my head on her shoulders and burst into tears again.

"she's in a better place now, she doesn't have to suffer, she won't be in pain..."
coming from all three of them.


walked in to fresh choice and forgot the way it felt to walk into somewhere public and see people staring at you with strange looks. because your face is red and tearstained.

my friend died, you fucking assholes.


she was sixteen years old.

rock on courtney. we love you.

Bazooka Blow my mind...

sentimental over reese lately.
not swooning, not lovesick...just memories.


memories include whorish, stupid, and sweet things she's said and done. all sorts of amazing and terrible things.
it would have lasted even longer if she would have loved me back.
...whatever.
i've got someone else blowing my mind lately, even if they'll never come around and give me a chance to blow their mind, because they've got someone else blowing their mind...

a chain, in simple words. an extremely solid one.

jishua is the lock on the chain. way at the top.
solid fucking gold.



"you lahv me, you LOVE jish."




i bought tegan & sara's older CD's "so jealous" and "if it was you"
there's this song on if it was you called You Went Away.

the lyrics describe almost exactly what reese did to me:

You went away
Cause you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this
forever
Is there more to life than love and being
together?
You went away
Cause you said you couldn't love me
I went away
Cause all I do is love you

you hear the very beginning of this song and expect the promising giddy little tune.

but the words come right in, and after you hear the first two lines, your mind immediately goes "Aw.."

it's like watching a little girl crying because she dropped her ice cream in the dirt, and you can't do anything about it.
it's that sort of feeling when i listen to this song.
the guilty feeling, and you want to magic a couple dollars out of your pocket and buy a beautiful new ice cream cone filled with chocolatey deliciousness.

it correlates to me picking up tegan's little lesbian heart and gluing it all back together and giving her a warm hug afterwards.
with bittersweet smiles and "poor baby"s.

browsed onto reese's profile and saw the title of her song.
"you were my everything."
i get curious to see why she chooses these songs.
i know when she dedicates them to me, just by the lyrics..
she's admitted it once.
i'm inbetween the lines on this one. can't decide if she liked it, or she's feeling sentimental also..:

This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just... I don’t even know
Just listen…

You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel

...anyways. saw the picture of her and sam lemley.
i remembered the time when reese and i walked out of her room and saw sam on the couch chatting with her friends.
i was spreading icing over cake, and i heard someone whisper quietly "chris KYRIAKOS? nick's brother..?"

i turned around and sam was looking at me with this look like she had just seen a train wreck.
she darted her head away quickly. the room was dead silent.

the rest of that night, as i sat on reese's couch in the Living Room, i could see sam in the corner of my eye.
she kept glancing over at me.

it's sort of creepy. she's like 19.


and when quincey said "Dad can you see my boobs?"
i looked over, of course, like any boy would...

sam said out loud 'hah chris looked...!"

i shrugged.



lets say goodnight.

PS. holy shet, i can't believe i'm going to europe this summer...