Flash

i havent been swept over with the grief of a person's death in a long time.

not since my granny died.


i was sitting in the back seat with breanna, caitlin's friend, a girl i've only met three times.
robin was sitting in the passengers seat, caitlin was driving.
i looked down admiring my new shoes, thinking of how simple they were.
just staring at them.
robins phone rings and its my mom. into their conversation, i hear robin gasp.
"oh...that's..that's terrible. that's so sad. i'll make sure and tell chris."
lifted up my face in alertness. caitlin kept saying "did cynthia die?!" (my hamster.)

he gets off the phone and says "courtney passed away this morning."


surrealism overtakes your brain,
overwhelmed.
cupped my mouth and let the tears pour down my cheeks.
looked out the window at the night sky and watched the rain as we sped down the highway.

i heard the 'that's so sad." i heard the 'who's courtney?' from breanna.

i looked out the window and thought of her on the way to fresh choice.
not saying anything, snorting, sniffing "oh my god.."

i remember the candlelight we had for her at the plaza when everyone first got the news she had cancer.

i remember seeing her at the football game.
i looked at her for a moment, not recognizing her because of the weight she had lost.
she was covering up her baldness with a beanie, from the chemotherapy..
i yelled "COURTNEY?!"
she yelled "CHRIS?!" and i ran up and embraced her.

i remember walking into rays. looked to my left, saw her beanie covered head, she turned around.
she was with her best friend alanna and shelby.
they were giggling and yelling 'CHRIS CHRISS!!'


i remember when vinnie and i were walking home on a FUCKING HOT day.
she drove up beside us in a minivan, and said "chris! vinnie! do you guys want a ride?"
we accepted graciously.
she was still wearing the beanie.

she was always smiling.
she was so fucking sweet.


with her baldness came insecurity, though.
but many, many, many of her friends came together, including the girls, and shaved off ALL their hair just for courtney.
so she wouldnt feel alone.


she was a part of everyone's lives in cloverdale.
she had the whole town behind her for support.
everyone loved her.


her blonde hair, her freckles.

just last week we drove by the huge pole that holds the electronic sign by the citrus fair.
the first flash said 'HELP" the second said 'COURTNEY' the third said 'FIGHT.'

not courtney davis, no. just courtney. EVERYONE knew who she was.

another thing, too..she lived right around the corner from me, up the small hill.
i was walking past her house a week and a half ago, and there was a huge sign on her garage door that said 'WELCOME HOME COURTNEY.'
she had just gotten back from texas, for treatment.


when we got out of the car by fresh choice, by which time i had mostly stopped crying, caitlin got out and opened her arms for a hug.
i put my head on her shoulders and burst into tears again.

"she's in a better place now, she doesn't have to suffer, she won't be in pain..."
coming from all three of them.


walked in to fresh choice and forgot the way it felt to walk into somewhere public and see people staring at you with strange looks. because your face is red and tearstained.

my friend died, you fucking assholes.


she was sixteen years old.

rock on courtney. we love you.