Capsized, erring on the edge of safe.

i don't like my family today.


this is my second time blogging in the past 16 hours.


i'm doing amazing on my diet so far.


i burned leik 300 calories on the treadmill yesterday.

mom got on it tonight, and i heard a bang and a smash and yeah..



so basically i broke the treadmill.




feel like writing personal letters to all my good friends.

but i dont have the willpower to package them and send them off, and struggle for stylish poststamps.

yesterday i almost ripped the letter to youknowwho in half.

... just for kicks.


there's an envelope right next to me from --Toronto, Ontario, Canada.


aunt sandy is so sexy.

so is yia yia and popouli.

...greek for grandma and grandpa.

haven't seen them in years.



i miss my trips to fun, snowy canada..

chandeliers and comfy beds.

cherry red front doors.

criss crossed windows.



spelled out your name and list the reasons, faint of heart, don't call me back..

i imagined you when i was distant, non insistent.





sorry if i violated your Taken Status when i put my arm around you for tine's photo.


i hope that's not the reason for you always ignoring me when i suggest you to send it.

...notice i said "by message."





i listened in, yes i'm guilty of this, you should know this....

i broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to.

forget, forgotten, i am moving past this giving notice.

i have to go, yes, i know the feeling.

now you're leaving.



this french girl named angelique on rock of love really bothers me.


send that hoe back to bordeaux.

..look, i rhymed.




hid out in my blue room AKA ALEX' S (not my red one)

teaching myself guitar, sitting up against the backboard of the bed.


it's an OCD type thing.

when my new favorite band comes along, I MUST learn this instrument.

engrave it in my brain and learn faster than i can in worthless biology.

at least music lasts forever and could bring me somewhere.





the song "take me anywhere" by tegan & sara deeply remind me of Courtney.

i don't know why.


death is a solid threat.





danae
(a very close friend, meaning i've been over to her house countless times, and sit by at lunch everyday, and walk around town with)

is leaving to the same cancer treatment location in texas that courtney went to.

for her melonoma.

near valentine's day.




i'm saving up for my trip to kelseyville.

i haven't counted my money yet, but i'm sure i'm close to twenty bucks... possibly more.



come down and visit the fair coming to my town.


we can lie against the walls of the gravitron, the one ride that makes me want to hurl.





i wanna lie close enough to you to be able and wonder whose heartbeat is whose.


hopefully i got something out through this blog.




one day, i'll start bottling up all my feelings and tears and red cheeks and frowns and smiles and then finally make it into one

award winning blog.



i think it's funny too, how we don't know how to act to each other in person.

i think it's good though..

what did we say to each other when we chatted on the phone for the first time?

THAT was awkward, and we talked about your math.

but it all worked out over a matter of about an hour of all-in-all phone time.

so when i see you enough, this quietness, it'll pass.


sorry i can't describe my love to you in person.

it's hard enough talking to you normally, because time passes up so quickly and it feels like it's just another one of my dreams about you.

it's amazing seeing someone who you're always talking to,

someone who knows all your secrets, all your feelings, reads your private diaries

who you've only seen once in your life before wednesday.


it'll be like that next time, too.



that's why i need pictures.


hopefully my fidgeting and darting eyes added to my levels of Bleeker.

butterflies like crazy.

out of the box: my feelings for you tonight are exploding.



i didn't feel awkard on wednesday, though... surprisingly, not at all.

i hardly talk,

because i just like looking at you...

because i never get to.





Amen.

off to lay in bed with my misery and music.


...just the music part, actually.

not in the mood for being miserable.


"not in the mood for being miserable/angry/sad/jealous" could be the cure to my life.


i'll learn to avoid it.

goodnight.