will let go at any price.

i've been ignoring you lately.
i've been fully aware of it, actually.
i walked past you and veronica.
'hey veeee' i said to her.
'hi chris' you said.
'....hi' i said unconvincingly.
'you don't even look at me!' you yelled.
i was walking away and turned around and looked at you.
'what did I DO?!?' you questioned.
'nothing, just forget it.'
i turned around and kept walking.
ten feet behind me you screamed 'i love you!'
i didnt turn around, just said 'uh-huh...'
you screamed again 'I LOVE YOUU!'
'RIGHT!' i yelled back.
i wanted to say it back more than anything, and less than anything.
i'm resisting you.

even if i did say it back, we'd be speaking the same words to each other that meant completely different things.
you love me?
...you dont adore me and you dont think im crazy amazing.
you don't think about me every second.
you say a lot of things you dont mean.
from 'i love you' to 'i've never felt this way before' to 'we're going out next year, okay?'
yeah...whatever happened to that?
i remember you said 'so i was thinking about what it would look like when we're together.'
i asked what you meant and you said, 'lots of black'
......i think i've pulled that off pretty amazingly so far.
especially today, all black, with some blue..the colors of a bruise, wouldnt you say?
i've got the black but thats only half the deal.
you're the other half.

i just read all above this...it's pretty confusing with all the quotations, but oh well.

'if you leave, don't leave now, please don't take my heart away. and if you leave, don't look back...i'll be running the other way'


.......sorry i've been writing short blogs.
bye.


PS. we could live like jack and sally.

hallelujah, lock and load...

sometimes i feel myself tighten up in anger when someone says something about you.
like i've taken it in some form of offense, even when i have no reason to.

a few days ago, me, nick, and marisa were standing next to each other hanging off the bleachers for some stretch in PE.
somehow we came onto the topic of you.
marisa said 'i'm not gonna lie about reese. i think she's a really cool person, but she just as her moments, and i hate the way she treats chris.'
my brain felt like it was swelling. like i wanted to say 'she doesnt treat me badly' even though i know the truth.
like i want to give her a chance, so i need to let other people do so, and at least pretend that i'm seeing beyond that layer.
i'm in denial, one way or the other, but can't put my finger on the situation.
you're dangling me from a string. a very thin one. still thick, but thin for my body weight...
thick and thin tend to rely on one another too much these days.

i deleted my myspace a few minutes ago.
i felt a stab of regret and loss afterwards, being sadly and pathetically reminded of how big it was in my life.
i'm not so much regretting it anymore.
i think i mostly did it to try and detach myself from you.
it won't do much, but it's a start, a start to a very frustrating path that will take a long time to stop at end.
myspace probably won't be my internet home anymore.
i think this will. most likely.
maybe i won't have to browse onto your myspace anymore and see things that whimper me,
like 'i hella like a boy named sam =]'


...it makes me sick, a little bit...

goodnight, blog.
goodbye, myspace.

thrown to the sharks. yet the water's worse.

you're voice echoes in my head.
it's empty, and it bounces off like it's contained between the countless cracks of a canyon.

you're a dying flame and you can't see it.
our relationship seems to be falling to ashes, not roses.

i see you every day. i sit by you at lunch nearly every day.
and every one of those days seems to be distancing myself more from you.
the more i'm with you, the less i want to see you.
normally, for anyone, that would be a sign of overcoming the other person.
but it still leaves that pit in my stomach that assures me we won't fit hand in hand.
we're not meant for each other, and you've made it final by circumstance.
you've seemed to have made just about everything final by circumstance.


....bella bit off the end of my charger today.
also the end of the USB chord that plugs my phone into the computer for music trans.
i assumed you must have taught her that when she was your own, because you're an expert at breaking things...


today's the day of my grandma's birthday.
she died four years ago.
today was also the day we brought home sasha seven years ago.
i wish more than anything that i could just see them one more time.


i remember granny would pick me up every day in her little red honda.
when we drove up to the long lane that lead to her house, she would let me sit on her lap and steer the car.
those were my early memories.
my later memories were going over there to see her, shaking with her terrible case of parkinson's disease.
she was pale and very skinny by then.
i remember she could hardly talk. the shaking obstructed her vocal chords.
i remember walking into the kitchen, seeing her try to feed herself, half the contents of the spoon falling onto the counter and floor.
and seeing her start crying quietly when she dropped the spoon itself.

she would call the house for an emergency.
usually it would be that she had fallen, and couldn't get up.
i adored my granny more than anyone.

then december 20th, 2003.
a phone call, from my mom.
she spoke to nick, and chelsea and caitlin were sitting behind me in the kitchen.
i sat on a stool in front of the open wall that opened the kitchen to the living room.
i heard nick crying.
he had hung up.
'what happened?'
i looked back at chelsea, and she calmed her face and said 'granny passed away....'
i yelped quietly 'what?' and burst into tears.

enough on that.
i think i'm done.....



PS. the day i can't wait for more than anything: october sixth.

fabric of hatred

it's crazy how many emotions come to mind when i think of you.
hatred and love all at once.
betrayal and admiration.

i browsed onto your space.
'i hella like a boy named sam =]'
there was a snap in my chest when i read that about a minute ago.

'If your life is so damn comfortable then why do you complain?
A reflection in the alcohol, you're pouring down the drain
Just because you paint a picture doesn't mean it fits the frame '

i like how you told me you masturbated in the shorts of mine you brought home.

sorry i haven't been writing much variety. it's all the same lately.
sorry i'm confined to the same subjects.


i'm making a wish right n

i would have put 'ow' after the n, but it wasn't 11:11 anymore.

high school's fun.
i'm hoping you'll come over sunday, like you said.
at the same time i'm extremely apprehensive, and dreading it....
maybe we can take a ruler and measure your heart and see how small it really is.
maybe we can weigh mine and see how many times it's fallen apart.


goodnight.

the difference between love and danger

we could spend our whole life together, baking cakes in the middle of the day,
and watching cartoon marathons.
it's so strange to see you cuddled up in a blanket on my couch...
....i love it.
i can't pull my eyes away from you sometimes.
and of course, i do the typical turn-your-head-when-they-see-you.

i love your smile.

the more i'm with you, the more i want to be with you.
i can't stop thinking about it.
i also can't stop thinking about how the basketball shorts in my room you found and put on and brought home were probably dirty.
you can have them.
i know you love them.
i was waiting for you to fall asleep so i could stare at you all i wanted.
'i see you lying next to me with words i thought i'd never speak', famous last words by my chemical romance.
astounding song.

this is the first time in a while where my happiness has taken back my frustration.
not by far, but still... major points.

i want to be with you every second.


...i'll probably post again later...

fuck, i'll pay you anything.

i don't know where to begin?

i'm having cravings tonight.
the alcohol's changed me.
i want someone to fucking KISS.
i'm tired of the surprising kisses on the cheek, occasionally the mouth.
i want to hold someone and just kiss them.
that's all i want.
something real, but for my sensibility, that's impossible to do and i've gone completely overboard.

i'm currently on the edge.
i can't stand who i am.
the alcohol's making it soooo much better but so much worse all at once.
i've never felt so low. sneaking rum into my room.
slipping it into my juice.
i've been LIKING the pain that bella gives me when she crushes her teeth into my arm.
the 'suicidal tendencies' have been coming to me excessively.
today with my tequila i was searching for pills that had extreme consequences and side-effects.
of course i found some, from my pill-popping stepdad.
i stared at them for minutes reading every little word, but then just tossed them aside onto the counter and took a sip of the jose cuervo.

i have no idea what's happening to me.
i'm worthless.
i'm secretly insane.
sometimes i beg to be shot.

it wont be very fucking long until i'm thrown into an asylum.
i hate crying.

i haven't been disgusted with myself as much as i am right now.

a walk to the other side of the country/globe?

why don't you live here?
if you moved here, that would be ultimately the greatest gift.
i'd see you everyday,
and we could fall in love.

i'd like cloverdale if you were here.
i hate everyone here.
hate them.

you would be my best friend, no question about it.
maybe more than that.
you're the only one i trust lately.
i want that more than anything.
for you to just freaking live here.
i would love my life.
tell tine and carl to start packing please??

'let's stomp this disaster town'
you always say to me.
it reminds me of cloverdale.
it reminds you of kelseyville.
maybe we can just move away from everyone.
i say that a lot and realize it sounds flirty and impossible.
but i really do just want to do that.

you'd have no idea who jish is.
if i had you, i wouldn't be bothering with reese.
i probably wouldn't know her.

i get extremely jealous of jish.


we should just run away to some big city.
new york, boston..
maybe seattle so we could see katie and bunk with her when we're homeless.
i just want the city we live in to be wow-this-is-really-easy-to-get-lost-in.
so maybe we'd never see the same person twice if we disliked them.
....blah.
maybe some big city in greece or france, countries where they allow underage drinking
so we can go out into public and fool around when we have a shitty day.
...it would be a very rare occasion though, because i'd say we'd never have a shitty day if we were with each other all the time.

let's go sleep in flowers with my puppy.
we can pack her in our bags.
..to make money, we could be street performers.
living statues or musicians with baskets in front of us for money.
sometimes i ask for almost the complete opposite of absolute success.
i guess success is just what makes you content with what you're doing, how you're living.
that's what i want. i don't expect to be famous.
i'd like it, a lot, but i know that's a very small chance, and it's not what i have my heart completely set on.
i want a simple, fun life. where i can break rules without being watched...
yeah...


yeah..so..jish is lucky x564738



andhearts

cutoff.

i realized how easily inspired i am.
by a simple line of words, or a melody on a movie i just heard in the background.


..hopefully this post won't be as depressing as my last.
i read it today and i was shocked.
i couldn't imagine myself writing that, though it wasn't even twenty-four hours ago.


my foot hurts more and more by the hour.
the vicious stubbing of my pinky toe has become more of a burden to my foot-bending.
the feeling has spread almost up to my heel.
when i hit it on the chair, i roared with pain and thought i broke it.
..i still haven't actually checked.


best friends can become strangers.
i find myself ignoring vinnie.
i saw him at friday night live...i walked right behind him without any acknowledgment of his existence.
i saw him at the movies, stood directly behind him to buy a ticket and didn't greet him once.


vinnie and i have come to a point where when we look at each other directly,
we wave and turn our eyes to our path, and walk straight past.


we don't want to bother telling each other how we feel about anything,
because we both don't intend to be friends.
sometimes i get the feeling that he tries,
but very poorly, and i don't respond to any of his signals.


school starts in nine days.
i'm a freshman.

Reminiscent fate

today was a mixed haze of many different memories and emotions.
thinking back on family, friends, reese.
reese basically has her own category...i'm not sure if that's a good thing.
so i shall write about each of them.


i first thought of dad.
oh, dad, you are great.
...those are words that are TRULY difficult for me to say.
nick, and alex and i, are always thinking the same thing.
i have a feeling i'm not the only one that knows what's going around in my siblings heads.
we don't have to speak. we've never spoken of it.
but our body language and thoughts are way too alike.
i try and leave behind the emotional scars of your abuse.
you had many tricks in your bag:
the belt, the spanking, or my personal favorite, the slap in the face.
to this day, what i percieve something as fast in front of my face, i flinch uncontrollably.

i remember one time when i was three or so, i ran into a dresser.
i knocked over a bottle of nail polish onto the carpet. i was trying to clean it up, with a towel, trying to cover it.
later that afternoon, i received the belt, was locked in my room, and told i wasn't to see mom until the next day.

last summer in greece, my aunt from canada flew in with her young children.
they were absolutely insane. my dad was disgusted with their behavior, and when my aunt left the area with her children,
my dad mentioned some sort of physical punishment, and said 'that should teach them.' and did this smile that said 'you know what i mean.'
my sister, my brother and i all did one quiet, nervous laugh at once, and looked at our feet.

also, i found an autobiography of alex's in her dresser about a year and a half ago.
the line i recognized most about dad: 'i've hated him ever since.'
............................................................................................................................................................................................



mom. you truly are amazing.
i've always said to you 'mom, when i'm older, and famous, i'll get you anything you want. a big house, money. anything.'
i'm sticking to my word.
you've given me so much, i can't thank you.
i learned all of my morals from you.

sometimes i relate myself to you.
you and i are very similar. it's sad to see you growing older and seeing you more self-conscious than ever.
when i see you looking in the mirror at yourself: 'fat, fat, fat'
mentioning veins on your legs.
i'm not sure what i'll do when you're gone.
i don't ever want you to leave.

you always mentioning going to friday night live with me.
you're always afraid you're going to embarrass me.
i went with you tonight and i met veronica there. i gave you my goodbyes and said i'd probably come back.
i did come back.
i get your frequent little texts 'where did you go?'
and i'll look across the plaza, start walking near you, see you checking your phone over and over.
because you're all alone.
you do the same thing i do. stick to one spot, pretend you have something to do, and not let anyone know you're feeling lonely.
you keep a small smile on your face, faking that you're entertained by something.
i had no problem going with you.
i love my mom, more than anything.
.................................................................................................................................................................................................


my reese.
i hardly put the pieces together.
but i do. i do put the pieces together. i try to.
you say to me 'i do love you. for real.'
i soak that in but it fades too quickly.
you don't act like it, reese.
it's like we're living two different worlds: face-to-face, and technology.
technology is our love communication. we're flirty and fine, and never stop but..
face-to-face is completely different. you say you love me over text, but i don't see it when i'm with you.
not when we're together.
sometimes i can't stop looking and smiling at you.
you fail to do so.
we're too different from each other.
i'm romantic, and you're experienced.
they don't match up to each other very well.
i feel my stomach sinking when i think about this.
i know that you just don't really care.
..............................................................................................................................................................................................




i feel sick. i don't feel like typing any more.

have fun reading the blogs reese.