fall out boy

pulling words apart in my mind.

thoughts about reese have eased.

in a good way.

i'm realizing that i just want to be friends with her.

but i mean actually FRIENDS.

because in both of our lives, we've never been JUST FRIENDS.

is it funny to hear that i consider reese as an ex-girlfriend?



i realized, half the time i'm pushing people away for the wrong reasons.

but there's no wrong in needing time for only me, is there?

there's hardly ever any fallouts between me and reese..

this all happens in my head.

and this is when i realized, i am a fall out boy.

i fall and fade into people, get to know them, and push them away.

i'm beginning to think that maybe i'm the hard-to-get one after all.

maybe i'm one of those People that Always Leave.

maybe i'm the fisherman and you're all the fish.



i know reese wants to have fun.

i just don't grasp some concepts as easy as others.

like, i'm not the kind of guy who's gonna go out to all the parties and get laid and whatever else you do.

i'll take the blame for being just..different than other people.

but now i understand..seriously.



i'm not going to try and change anyone for my own sake and say it's for theirs.

because i never planned to and i never tried to.

i'm just a kid.

i make mistakes, and when i know i make one, i just try to avoid it next time around.

but avoiding doesn't always work, because sometimes i'm just falling back each step into every other crack i tried to skip.

i just all want this to be easy today.

i know it won't,

but there's no harm in wanting something you know you can't have.



..irony, right?

no one will understand that.

i've harmed myself and others over something i've wanted and couldn't have many, many times.

but i've learned.

and at the end of the day, i'm home and tired watching the rain with bella and napping.

..she sleeps when it rains...

hoping that the next day my thoughts will lay low and hide out,

so it will all be easier to get through.



"Everything will be perfect someday."


PS. I finished my song.



bottom line, i just miss people.

but most of all, i miss me.

I've learned my alphabet...

all i want to do is get things done and get things over with.

i just want everything solved down to one little point and whenever i need something, i can just look there.

i won't have to search for answers anymore.

i want everything to be in tact, i want everyone to tell the truth and be honest.

i'm being selfish and a jerk because i don't want to hear what anyone has to say.

not the kind of things they're saying about my problems,

just the words that come out of their mouths.

like "dinner's almost ready."

or "i'm washing clothes."

for the past three days i've been biting my lips to keep my mouth shut and not say anything dry.

music is the only thing i don't want blocked out right now.

i've been in my little hermit shell all along just waiting to outgrow it,

but now it feels like i'm never going to.

i'm going to be curdled up inside of it, pushing on it, trying to get it to crack open so i can crawl out and find another one that i can grow up inside and mature more.

and when that one cracks, i'll be on my own away from "people."

baked potatoes sound fucking gross right now.

the bland smell matches perfectly to my attitude and state of mind.



i lost a tooth today,

and i might have to get glasses.

that's all.

the only thing i'm waiting for is the concert tickets.

i miss alex.

tegan and sara's music has played three more times on one tree hill.

thank goodness that can save me.



i'm off to eat mush.

fight me.

i've known this for a long time,

but fear telling anyone because i never have a worthy reason for my proof.

never anything in particular, nothing specific....



i know you just Don't Want Me To Be Happy.

because you try and crush anything and anyone i take second thoughts about.

that, my friend, is the lowest point you can ever reach.

you're fucking low, reese.



it may not seem low to you...

but crushing my dreams out of your jealousy because you can't do them yourself,

fucking low.


you've tried to crush:

Hammy
Blair
Ashley
Caitlin
Vinnie


you name it.

but in the end the only one who's feeling crushed is you.

because you can crush my HammyBlairAshley dreams for maybe a few hours, but you'll last way longer than that.


i have possibilites, hope.

it may not seem like it, but i have twice what you do.



i want you to rage in jealousy over the fucking tegan & sara concert.

and don't you dare try to invite yourself again.

go if you want, i don't know what part of you you'll be satisfying, but go.

just know that you're not coming with me.

caitlin's amazing and it takes someone who actually KNOWS her to know that.

don't talk shit about people you don't fucking KNOW.

so get off your judgmental fake little ass and Learn something.

fight me.

with your fists, with your words, i don't care.

just fucking fight me.

because fighting for something real is more filling than being okay with something phony.

i bet this stings, right?

it's your wake up call.

wake up, wake up.

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HUMAN.





xx

The Convict

everybody speak your minds, but don't say a word.

my headaches are gone.

tell me the truth but make sure it's false.

i'm old enough to tell whether you're there, away, or here with me.

strike off a mile to the left from my bench and i could be right next to you.

the books are piling higher, just as my thoughts do.

and they're always in favor of you.

your old magazines and paper fairy wings buried beneath the floors of your bed, just like you said.

"is there something undefined?"

there must be something intertwined.

"is there something on your mind?"

YES, there's something on my mind.

because you always said that i could be the one for you.

and in the morning you'd wake up and think of me.

but at night i'd be the last one you'd ever see.

at night i'd be the last one you'd ever see.

because at night you'd never be with me.


i never thought it was about who was good for who,

or what we do in making it true.

i just thought it would all go away,

next tuesday will be good if i stay home. Again.

baking sweets all day just waiting for small updates,

and truth be told.. they taste better than you.






i've spent the last day and a half working on this..

it's so offbeat and phonetically terrible, though.

but i've made amazing progress with it so far as a song.

it's the only one i've stuck with lately.

for some reason, i love it.

the way i sing along with it makes it almost sound like a rap.

with a bounce up bounce down rhythm during the busy lines.

then i listened to more of This Business of Art.

and my technique is very similar to that.




anyways... i'm just sucking down second thoughts.

i just want to trade in my old shoes for new feet and watch low-budget telethons.



oh, also... sharon bought me tegan & sara tickets for the davis show at freeborn hall.

..stoked much?






XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
goodnight.

No matter which way you stay

it's funny how your thoughts can completely impair and obstruct your vision of the ceiling above,

when you're in bed just staring at it.




you're not the only one who can't imagine you without jish..

when i think of you, i think of you and josh. together.

and if you're not with him, you're thinking of him, and you're missing him

or you're texting him or talking to him via telephone.

and i don't doubt you if even for a second when you say you're in love.



i'm not sure why i needed to say all that...

it's not like you ever questioned me questioning you.

sometimes i just think you feel you need to be told that everyone knows you and him are in love.




it's good.


sometimes i just lay awake and think of what you're doing at that moment.

what's she thinking about?

josh.

is she doing the same thing i'm doing? just laying in bed awake with her music and thinking?

maybe she's eating more ramen, or playing with chloe.

maybe she's just asleep and dreaming like the rest of us should be.





i was listening to walking with a ghost just now.

in bed, trying to grasp the concept of the lyrics.

it's hard to do with lyrics like that.

so much repetitiveness, but it means something.

having the strong urge to look them up on songmeanings.net

but i like having my own interpretation every once in a while.

i don't want to be influenced right now.




that was the first song i had ever heard by tegan and sara.

about two years ago, i saw it on michaela lawson's profile (reese's bestfriend...)

i loved it. and went onto itunes and searched their music.

of course i did the unthinkable, and found that the other music wasn't as interesting.




they proved me so wrong.


two years later they're the most amazing band to me.

bought the the new album The Con just so i could get to know their music a few months before the concert,

but had no idea that i'd fall so madly in love with them.

i love how things fall into place like that.

just waiting in the crowd. everyones quiet and they had just came out for their encore.

once i saw that sara had the acoustic, and tegan had the electric, i knew the song.

not that there aren't other songs with acoustic and electric...i could just tell. you know?

there was whispering, and then four small drum thumps on stage.

then the four arpeggiated notes.

and everyone goes crazy.

alex was appreciative because that was pretty much the only song she knew by them.


silly girl.




thought i'd share. i was reviewing the videos of them i took on my phone at the concert.

then i remembered nicks in chico right now staying in alex's apartment number nineteen.

...he's going up to tahoe to snowboard...

lucky betch.

(not the boarding part, just the snow, and seeing alex...)



i watched one tree hill and pete wentz was on it throughout like the whole episode.

guest star or something...has a fling with peyton...

it's loco.

anyways peyton was wearing a dresden dolls shirt a few episodes ago...

and i paused it and took a picture of it with my phone.

then walking with a ghost came on.

...so you see what i mean when i say things fall into place.





my throat's been hurting.

it's sore as fuck and i have no idea why.

i'm not coughing, sneezing,

my voice isnt even raspy.

it feels like there's brick in it.

it hurts especially when you're layin on your back trying to sleep.

the swallowing process makes it feel like there are weights crushing yr throat.




anyways....i just needed to get some random thoughts out.

nothing like a good old rendezvous on blogspot.

puts the cherry on top of my late night.



PS. i watched a parody on comedy central of sex in the city.

now i'm glancing over my shoulder at the real show,

and the comedians couldn't have done a better impression.



PS. #2: you're love song is done.

--------------------------

X


it's day 2 of this blog. i didn't feel like making a whole new one.

it sounds like less of a struggle.

so i just went to edit.




today i left my house by myself.

walked to jefferson and sat on the swingset.

then i meandered to the front of the elementary school and laid beneath the two humungous trees.

some square teachers walked by looking at me weirdly.

i think they caught me talking to myself a couple times..

i was gone for a couple hours.



cloverdale is so different when you're going through it alone.

i felt like a stranger.




anyways, i just got back from longs.

my sore throat has expanded into terrible headeaches, and blood-red eyes.

my veins reach the brown surrounding the pupil.

i can feel them beating, like my heart.

so i got some advil, some airborne, some raspberry herbal tea, and some redness relief Visine...

the tea. it's tasty. delicious.

very tea-ish.




who would have thought, right?!




i slept terrible last night.

more than i have in a long time.




anyways, the start of my diet i was 229.

this morning i got on, and i was 217.

good job, chris.



i might update later...

the Tea feels fucking amazing on my throat..


i'm off to watch a movie.

----------------------

x

The Red Curtain

i decided that you can't get under my skin. not if i don't let you.

all i have to say is that you're not the only one that's changed.

we both have.

you for the worse, and me for the better.

i've just become stronger and less tolerant and less naive, i'm not letting you do what you've done to me again.

you've taken things for granted from me, but in the future, you're never going to be able to do that.

i'm Not Sorry that i have nothing to say to you in person,

because even the littlest word can be the biggest waste of breath on you.

maybe i can find love in the same place that i found you;

in a dark corner.

..but then again, if that's where i found you, why would i EVER want to look there again?

silly me.

--------------------



music video for THE CON right below.

the video is not nearly as good as the song but here it is.




&

an acoustic performance of dark come soon. i like this even better than the record version.




for now, i'll let my thoughts simmer.


X

Decomposition

do you ever feel like you're just having one of those days?

you feel like everyone is gone.

like they're here, but it's not the same as it should be.

everyone just seems gone.




i feel like everything is just decaying right in front of me.

my world is so blank today.

partly because everyone came home today and went straight to sleep.




do you ever walk into a room and think of how bad the lighting is?

like, not the fixtures, just the way it pushes against the mood you're in.

i don't want light in every crevice i can see... i just want a little.

then you turn down the light and its too dark.

so you find somewhere in the middle, and it still just doesn't fit.

my atmosphere is just so out of whack, i'm going berserk.





everyone's gone.



i'll be spending my valentine's day valentine-less, as usual...

i'm just glad i won't have to face it at school.

(i only have monday, tuesday and wednesday this week... then i have the next monday off)

thank goodness for the fair.

it will take my mind off whatever it's on.




sorry reese but you won't be getting another heart-shaped-red-velvet-box-of-chocolates from me again.




planning to wear comfy sweats to school all this week.

dressed to un-impress.

i decided that school is a second home, and everyone there you know, so in a way, it's sort of your family.

without the sharing blood part...that would just be weird.





i went to tex wasabi's last night.

basically the sexiest restaurant out there (besides the bluebird, of course...)

i saw jake green there.

honestly, i can't stand that kid.

we never got along.



just another one of those kids who pretends they're stupid so they'll make the others laugh.





anyways, i'm off to eat orange sherbert.


l8r, sk8rz!


PS. quote of the day; "sometimes people play hard to get because they need to know that the other person's feelings are real."

If i could follow you home today

things are different lately.


the break from the rain is actually good.


the weather is perfect, actually.


it's sunny, cool, warm, breezy, glowing all at once.

i leave my windows open.





i feel cut off from everyone i know.


and it's tearing me apart.




sorry i broke the rules.



if josh hates me for telling the truth,

then honestly,


i don't care.


mom bought me Water for Elephants and Kite Runner.

i'm excited to read them.

her birthday is tomorrow.



lately, there's more to life than looking for things you apparently "need".


right now i'm taking in what i've got.

like the weather!


veronica called me a homewrecker after i explained the whole situation to her.


after she saw my reaction she said "it's okay, i am too" and smiled.


she's so grand.




all i want to do right now is find myself and treat others nicely because most of them deserve it.

the others (reese) can still treat me like a piece of glass,


but trust me when i say this,

it's not getting in the way of the sun.


because i've crawled out of the darkness and only the sun can melt this all away.



"everything will be perfect someday."

despite my dull words and descriptions and updates,

today is as close to perfect as a day has ever been.


right now.





Someday will be soon.


but you've got Someday in the palm of your hand, allie.




i'll push it all away, just like you can push me.




PS. i think i've found my concrete.

christopher incognito

headline theft:

One more special message to go, then I'm done, and I can go home ..I love myself better than you, I know it's wrong, but what should I do?



for now i'm holding out on your love song.


"getting out of your hair."


had more epiphany splatters


felt like coming out of the shell to stop hiding things from people,

but now i feel like going back in.


incognito.



starting to wonder if it was the thing to do.


it's okay if you do what josh wants you to.


PS. fuckup.

epiphany splatter

maybe i'm just in the wrong place,

wanting the wrong people,

looking for everything i think i need

in the wrong spots.






PS. i'm still aching for the photo.

i bet you're holding it against me for your love song.





Goodnight.

Capsized, erring on the edge of safe.

i don't like my family today.


this is my second time blogging in the past 16 hours.


i'm doing amazing on my diet so far.


i burned leik 300 calories on the treadmill yesterday.

mom got on it tonight, and i heard a bang and a smash and yeah..



so basically i broke the treadmill.




feel like writing personal letters to all my good friends.

but i dont have the willpower to package them and send them off, and struggle for stylish poststamps.

yesterday i almost ripped the letter to youknowwho in half.

... just for kicks.


there's an envelope right next to me from --Toronto, Ontario, Canada.


aunt sandy is so sexy.

so is yia yia and popouli.

...greek for grandma and grandpa.

haven't seen them in years.



i miss my trips to fun, snowy canada..

chandeliers and comfy beds.

cherry red front doors.

criss crossed windows.



spelled out your name and list the reasons, faint of heart, don't call me back..

i imagined you when i was distant, non insistent.





sorry if i violated your Taken Status when i put my arm around you for tine's photo.


i hope that's not the reason for you always ignoring me when i suggest you to send it.

...notice i said "by message."





i listened in, yes i'm guilty of this, you should know this....

i broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to.

forget, forgotten, i am moving past this giving notice.

i have to go, yes, i know the feeling.

now you're leaving.



this french girl named angelique on rock of love really bothers me.


send that hoe back to bordeaux.

..look, i rhymed.




hid out in my blue room AKA ALEX' S (not my red one)

teaching myself guitar, sitting up against the backboard of the bed.


it's an OCD type thing.

when my new favorite band comes along, I MUST learn this instrument.

engrave it in my brain and learn faster than i can in worthless biology.

at least music lasts forever and could bring me somewhere.





the song "take me anywhere" by tegan & sara deeply remind me of Courtney.

i don't know why.


death is a solid threat.





danae
(a very close friend, meaning i've been over to her house countless times, and sit by at lunch everyday, and walk around town with)

is leaving to the same cancer treatment location in texas that courtney went to.

for her melonoma.

near valentine's day.




i'm saving up for my trip to kelseyville.

i haven't counted my money yet, but i'm sure i'm close to twenty bucks... possibly more.



come down and visit the fair coming to my town.


we can lie against the walls of the gravitron, the one ride that makes me want to hurl.





i wanna lie close enough to you to be able and wonder whose heartbeat is whose.


hopefully i got something out through this blog.




one day, i'll start bottling up all my feelings and tears and red cheeks and frowns and smiles and then finally make it into one

award winning blog.



i think it's funny too, how we don't know how to act to each other in person.

i think it's good though..

what did we say to each other when we chatted on the phone for the first time?

THAT was awkward, and we talked about your math.

but it all worked out over a matter of about an hour of all-in-all phone time.

so when i see you enough, this quietness, it'll pass.


sorry i can't describe my love to you in person.

it's hard enough talking to you normally, because time passes up so quickly and it feels like it's just another one of my dreams about you.

it's amazing seeing someone who you're always talking to,

someone who knows all your secrets, all your feelings, reads your private diaries

who you've only seen once in your life before wednesday.


it'll be like that next time, too.



that's why i need pictures.


hopefully my fidgeting and darting eyes added to my levels of Bleeker.

butterflies like crazy.

out of the box: my feelings for you tonight are exploding.



i didn't feel awkard on wednesday, though... surprisingly, not at all.

i hardly talk,

because i just like looking at you...

because i never get to.





Amen.

off to lay in bed with my misery and music.


...just the music part, actually.

not in the mood for being miserable.


"not in the mood for being miserable/angry/sad/jealous" could be the cure to my life.


i'll learn to avoid it.

goodnight.

It's a sure-type thing

yelled at caitlin for two minutes telling her to drive me to you.
yanked off my long johns and pulled on my jeans.


felt anxious and nervous, stomach sinking and rising at the same time.
one moment it's falling out my butt, the other it's falling out my mouth.


i have this crush, you see...
the way she wears her make-up, the way she sits in that sexy van...
the way she said hi to me..



her name's tine.



L-O-L
J-K.


you looked adorable, even though you hadn't showered in three days.
those ten minutes were the best moments of the year so far.


i'm a car crash.


shell station is officially a monument in cloverdale, CA.




life in cloverdale: amazing lately, for some reason.

opinions on reese: feel sort of sorry for her. i can tell she has no real friends, so she's trying to flood in with all of the popular abercrombie kids.


in the hallway, waiting for spanish to start.
i was staring at a couple outside the window making out by the wall.
..sounds creepy, but it was just one of those times where you're staring and then you realize what you're looking at.


reese was alone. and walked right in front of me.
didnt look at me.
not a glance.
not a word.


you don't look at me.
you don't fucking look at me.
you don't look at me.


be a fucking human being for once in your life.

you'd be one of those bad, sappy love songs that make people vomit.



..i can't even tell how much i look at you.
and you fucking know it.


PS. i think you're gaining weight.