Ten

im sleepy, but restless.
i was laying in my bed with the window open.
not sure why...i like the contrast of cool air on my face while my body is warm.

i feel like you're keeping secrets from me.
we're on number 2 as of right now, i believe.
i'm aching for explanations.
today sucked.
and ham being angry with me didn't make it better.

...bite me.

i remember when you liked me, reese.
i wish i could have soaked it in more when you did.
i didnt like you then. it was on and off again.
late last year, you were me and i was you.
you were the one that sent me sweet texts, i was the one that never answered.
its plain sad.
i remember i had said something that ended with '...suits you perfectly.'
you replied 'you suit me perfectly.'
i didnt hear the phone vibrate for that text, but two minutes later i did and your text said 'you better reply to my amazing pick up line.'
i miss that. more than anything. truly.
i remember you always used to call me, and always brag to marisa how much we talked.
you and marisa then mentioned the upcoming dance, in which marisa was about to ask me to go with her [over the phone] until you two discussed it quietly.
you were planning to ask me. but THAT whole thing was two years ago.

lately you say you love me, and i wonder if you mean it.

i say it to you, and there's no doubt.

i JUST got your text.
'i am a sex fein. boy or girl i need love. so i cannot commit to one person. i can not do it. may sound dumb but it seriously takes over my life.

...as of just now, i do doubt that 'i love you.'
ironic.

i said '...is that your secret?'
you said 'yes. your so important to me. i love you. but i just cant back commit. i back out.'
i said 'oh. i see.'
you said 'so now you know. i sense your mad at me.'
i said '...you disappoint me. goodnight.'



thanks for breaking my heart once again.

have a nice fucking life.

goodnight.

first day

i think yesterday was my favorite day of the year, so far...
it couldn't have been more perfect, unless those girls from kelseyville had come down....
or you had come over. maybe.

i spent almost all day inside. i had on my horrid plaid pajamas, some scrounge blue shirt, and my lovely grungy bleach-stained sweater.
i loved every second of it.

i know what you mean. 'today smells like march.'
sometimes i feel like the smells of the air put me in different parts of the world or different parts of the year.
that's how yesterday was.
'it smells like october.'
there's no doubt about it, october is my favorite month of the year.
i think today's the first day of autumn?
i love how everything changes.

anyways. i love looking outside in the middle of the day to just see gray, with pouring rain.
sounds like my personality and taste has a lack of color.
there's a small chance that today could be like that, because i see grey..i also see the sun shining.

yesterday, i went into my room. i turned on my cozy lamp and the little christmas lights hung around my walls.
i pushed play on my ipod, hooked up to my stereo. 'delilah.'
'mrs. o'
'gravity'
i got on my bed, stood on my knees, and opened up the window all the way.
i put my elbows on my windowsill and looked outside.
the rain gave the air a crisp smell.
it was fresh, like it hasn't rained in forever.
i took deep breaths and let the cool air flow in with the music.
i loved it.
i texted you saying 'lawl. i want you so bad right now.'
you said 'the rain=]'

i can see you everyday and still miss you.
and i really do.

but i don't want you to know.

sorry this blog sucked.

i wish i could go with you to seattle. 'the city known for its rain.'
jealous, pretty much...

sad i dont get to see you.
excited to see blammy still.

i made jello yesterday.
bye.

shooting your blown kisses.

in math everday, during first period, i never have to look at any sort of clock.
i sit near the window, and when i see the sun peaking over the close redwood tree, i know there's about ten minutes left.
we turn the lights off every day so we can see the overhead better.
the only source of light that flows into the room is from the sun, of course.
the sun stares me right in the face, every day in math.
it's in my eyes, shines off my arms, and glares off anything on me it can find.
i feel over-exposed for some strange reason.
like i'm the only one in a sea of people who you can fully see.
like i'm under some spotlight. i hate it, everyday.

'it's just like what you said to me: michaela and reese are only skin deep. reese tells you everything, things michaela doesn't know about. that's how marisa and i are. marisa tells me EVERYTHING, but i don't tell HER everything. i tell you everything. this all leads to you.'
i said that to veronica last week over the phone.

it was a night of blankness, last wednesday.
my dad had called, and i told him i had no plans for my birthday.
later, he talked to nick. nick mentioned my name on the phone and then started laughing.
when he was off, i said 'what were you laughing about...'
he laughed and shook his head.

i went into my room and called veronica.
built up my stories about how my dad thinks he knows everyone, based on what they're doing and what kind of life they live.
because he's so fucking materialistic and judgmental, and talks behind people's backs like he's twelve.
by the middle of my stories she said sympathetically 'are you crying?'
to where i broke down and stressed out about everything.
such a strange crier, i am...not a loud one. very quiet, with a low, shaking voice. i grasp my forehead and pull back my hair compulsively. i take breaths like i've had so many things on my chest for a lifetime.
i apologized to her continually, and said disgustingly 'oh my GAWD...' many, many times when i was finishing, like i hated myself.
she would say it's alright and to let it out.

i love her like i love no one else.
and no one, NO ONE makes me laugh harder.
wouldnt even BEGIN to bother about writing what she says and does, because its impossible.
and i do tell her everything.

today you yelled my name at the end of lunch and dramatically blew me a kiss.
you looked in front of yourself halfway between the movement, so i dont think you noticed me when i took my hand from my lips,
formed a gun, aimed, closed one eye and focused and 'shot' the flying lips.

sometimes it seems like you're scared to show anything that will give you away.
you never look at me when you say anything.
just like when you blew that kiss.
when you say 'hi chris..' you aim your head forwards.
at lunch last week, when i was standing in line and watching you and veronica sitting on the benches looking at me,
i stood and looked at you and just SMILED with teeth and all.
you did so back, and i just smiled at you for a few seconds, sort of testing you.
you smiled, but often darted your eyes off to the side strangely.
you looked absolutely adorable, but it still bothers me...

not sure. blah.. sickofschool.
bottomlineilovemarisaandweregoingtoitalyandeffingreecethissummer.
my moms signing me up tomorrow....


BYE.

birthday. ruined.

woke up today with hope and excitement for the day.
straddled on my jeans and a shirt and left.

i like how nice people were being to me today. it was a fun change.
people gave me brownies, and money....
then at lunch you showed up and got in line with me.
you wrapped your arm inside of mine properly.
i hunched down a little bit and grasped yours.
'ah. you're too tall for me.' and you let go.
...funny.
you were always the tall girl, and complained about not having a guy taller than you.
funny, funny, funny...i waste my time worrying about not being tall enough and now that i am, i'm TOO tall...
wouldn't have cared if you didn't say it a second time when i mentioned your text i had just received of you saying 'are you here today? i want to give you a hug!'
and you said 'oh. i was going to. but you're too tall. maybe later.'

my day just started getting slightly worse, like it was building up into one big mess.
thats BASICALLY what it did...
in biology some kid kept placing a home-made sticker on my back that said 'i love little boys.'
he did a couple times without me knowing, until marisa [sitting behind me] said "ok. stop. seriously. it's not funny."
then he said he thought it was, and people told him to grow up, me being completely oblivious to what was going on...

sometimes i think of the things i have. theres so much i have, and so much i don't.
when i think of the things i don't have,
i always end up thinking about you.
you have no idea in the whole entire world, not a CLUE as to how empty and terrible it makes me feel.
theres not a particle in your body that feels what i do. honestly.

i was walking with you and veronica home.
when it came to the turn on my street, you both turned with me.

we were sitting in the kitchen and eating cake.
marisa called me.
i answered, she was angry with me because reese was with me.
[right now my moms chewing me out because bella peed]
now marisa was mad at me. there was more to it, but i dont feel like writing it.
reese got a phone call and then told me news of having to go to san francisco tomorrow with the volleyball varsity.
'WHAT'i said.
'yeah....' she said.
so basically our plans have diminished. then it became awkward, and reese went into the living room and i exchanged looks with veronica, darting my eyes to reese and giving strange, quiet looks of annoyedness and whatthefuck-ness.
conversation became smaller, and the quietness in the room made it so obvious we were communicating about her with our faces.
they were leaving,
veronica gave me a hug while i was sitting on my stool.
i did an 'AHEM' towards reese where she smiled with soda in her mouth.
'get up' she said. walked towards her weirdly and said 'sorry im too tall far you reese.'
hunched once again and hugged her. felt like nothing.
you handed me your soda and said 'you can have this.'
when you were gone out the door, i took a sip.
it tasted bitter, so i threw it away.

PINk.

i want winter to come, so i can snuggle you in my bed and kiss you.
we'd look out of my window and see a flourishing mass of gray spreading side to side of the roof of the sky.
it would heave down water and let every crack in the ground inhale it for hours.
and we'd just cuddle, thinking of how lucky we are to be warm, and feel sorry for all the little snails and bugs and unsheltered life.
it's what i want. pretty much...
and...still think i should know your 'secret'.
have every right for an explanation, but i don't want to write about that....

i'm glad we have plans on my birthday.
this is one of the few birthday's i'm even excited about.
i'm not sure why.
probably because when we're drunk in the movies, we'll be falling all over each other and i can make it seem like you're mine.
because i love you, if you haven't noticed...
you're my everything.
no matter how much i honestly try to not show it lately...
i smile like the cheshire cat when i'm with you.

PS. sorry this blog was readable in two seconds.

Trustfund secret

thought i'd start out with the simple things and finish off with what's really been buzzing.
i'll probably forget this rule after a couple paragraphs so beware, and don't hold charges...

i feel like i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm used to not having a myspace.
it's nice, really...
i'm not wandering aimlessly around people's profiles waiting for new comments.

anyways, i was wandering aimlessly around my inbox in my cellular. [funny, right?]
looking at marisa's texts.
they make me smile.
i read one at the end of the day right after school that i never got because my phone was off.
'wanna eat lunch together?'
it made me smile.
i'm not sure why. just thought it was really cute.

'i look at temporal bodies as slingshots being pushed, and when they die, the trigger is released. i'd like to think sasha is getting the ride of her life right now.'
i wrote that in my essay on the five-minutes-from-lifeline.
about the whole putting sasha down ordeal.
sometimes, i wonder who really started the negativity part of death.
i mean, it has to have all started with one person, right?
i'd like to hit that person who discovered what death really is.

in spanish we learned about mexican culture.
on halloween, they go to the graveyard and have a party.
rather than mourning, they reminisce and celebrate.
they tell stories of their loved ones who had died, and bring foods that person liked.
i think that's amazing.
i wish everyone had that view on death.


sorry i can't write tonight. dry spell. can't think fully.

talked to reese about the whole rudeness thing.
apologized, really...
because i wanted to [try] and figure her out.
she says she loves me. i've partly come to believe her.
i was on the phone with veronica, and told her ALL about how i felt about reese.
i didn't care if she told her, and she did.
reese said 'the only thing i backed out on was the going out thing, and i wouldnt expect you to understand why. but you act like i dont mean it when i say i love you. you don't know.'

?????
veronica told me that reese told her there's a reason she says things like that and then backs out.
from what i've heard, it's EXTREMELY personal and secretive, and veronica's the only one that knows, and reese doesn't want me to know.
they truly believe i will not understand at all.
i'm not saying i will understand, but i deserve an explanation more than anything.
after all that i've been put through?
completely unfair...

sorry this blog was so gossip-filled. i hate those. so i hate this.

goodnight.

raindrops in your hairdryer

its about ten in the morning..
tomorrow's labor day, so thank goodness i have another night to sleep in before i have to go back to 'that one place'....
just hit me you start school tuesday. excited? yeah, i didn't think so...

my blogging buddy and i haven't talked in a while.
it's fine though...i think we've both been pretty busy.
i fell asleep in the movies last night. i leaned over onto the seat next to me and contorted my body painfully.
it didn't work for long.

we're both feeding off each other's blogs..
at least i am.
it's funny, and nice to see our style's of writing rub off on one another.
..must be our obsession with lyrics and good phrases....

'she's the kind of girl who looks for love in all the lonely places,
the kind who comes to poker, pockets stuffed with kings and aces'

'she's the kind of girl who only asks you over when it's raining,
just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling'

...the kind who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her.

'she's the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser,
just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her'

haven't talked to the reese.
a couple texts yesterday, but minimal.
she had asked why i didnt go to the party friday night.

this blog was effing boring.

my heart swells when i imagine what the football field will turn into when you arrive.
a fairyland, perhaps..
i can't wait.

i'll update tomorrow.
maybe tonight if something goes on....


lataaaaaa.