sugar, spell it out....

lately i feel like every word that anyone says to me makes my organs rot just a little bit more.
my gut is at its lifeless state once again.


i should have just jumped on you right in front of Tine.
fucking made you mine.

come back and teach me how to make those bracelets again.
i wont give up this time, i promise.

i remember going home, calling caitlin, and telling her how cute you were.

...sorry that i never ever never never never ever ever never ever never never ever ever never blog.

am i alright?
...can i get you off my mind?

not quite.
i enjoy getting phone calls from you.
i enjoy hearing about your dreams.

i got a pair of pinstriped silky boxers and they are damn amazing and i look hot in them.
hate to brag...

the year of 2008 begins in less than an hour and i have no idea what my resolution is.
..maybe it can be "have a new years resolution by the time 2009 is near"

well it will work for now.
i'll build on it or something.

i'm excited for this whole cirque du soleil thing we're all going to on the 8th.
in san francisco.
then im excited for this whole marilyn manson CONcert that we might be going to sometime in march...
in san francisco.


mybestfriendMarisa has this thing with my brother, it's weird... and i'm not cool with it..
it's fucked up knowing that anyone can steal the only people i want in Life from me.

he's trying to steal her and she pretends she's creeped out by it.
but she just fucking loves it and i see it in her eyes and in her smile.

i'm off.

PS. i still cant tell if theres a body beneath my feet.

PS#2: i thought i was taking a picture until i looked up at the camera and saw it recording.
did something spontaneous.

this is fr you, Hammy.


...youtube makes me look gross. yuck.

goodnight.

RE::::jealousy.

...you could have just done it.
it's not like you had to say anything. you could have gone about doing what you wanted to.
there aren't rules stating that you have to post just to fulfill my spare time.
do what you want.
you want to make a private blog?? um ...then do it.

no one should have to tell all their secrets.




sorry you made a mistake for giving me your information?
i feel like we're going to end up completely hating each other one day.

PS. ''you had me at ew.''

love/hate blog?


night.

..said the ugly fuckling.

i don't blog too much anymore. every once in a while i guess. at least compared what i used to..
which was almost daily.

i love this new computer. i can now type as frantically as i want because it makes hardly any noise.

why don't i blog anymore?
because i'm over that girl, for the most part.
i still think about her. i thought about writing her, calling her...
i kind of miss being in love.
i realize i am one of the lucky few that got to experience what it really was.
...too bad she wasnt in love with me.
it's her loss, though.

another reason i don't blog: i'm not very emotional anymore. of course this has to do with the reason above, but i thought i'd state it anyways.
it seems like i don't have feelings anymore.
i'm not having ups or downs, im just inbetween.
completely neutral, and i'm not worrying about anyone else.
at the same time i'm not worried at all about myself.

i've been debating in which more of a mood i am in. which one fits me?
i can't tell if it's one of those "whose feet am i under again?" or a "who's under my feet for the first time?"

because i don't know if im stepping on people, or people are stepping on me.
i'm trapped beneath no one's shoes, i know this.
or maybe i'm just faking the CONfidence.
i put the CON in CONfidence, but that would be a CONtradiction...



"""if your taken i am yours, i'm up and doing circles.""""
repeat that ten times.


anyways, i've been wandering the house in my robe that i got for christmas from mary.
wearing nothing beneath it.
but right now i am wearing boxers beneath it, only because they're snug and i like the way my package feels in them.

anyways, i'm off.

PS: i rummaged through the garbage to find the box of oreos my mom threw away.

christmas lights and weekly fights.

i never planned for you to find out.
especially like this.

i havent blogged since the 6th.
because 'i dont want to write about reese, i want to write about You.'
and how could i write about you secretly without you knowing?
create another blog account?
no. word's out.
too late for a brainstorm.
..maybe.

last night was the first time i purposely did not answer your phone call.
it was in my hand and started vibrating.
"Hammy?! is calling"
i held it in front of my face panicking and thinking WHAT DO I SAY WHAT DO I SAY?
my heart was pounding and i felt like i was going to throw up.
so i just looked at the phone. i looked at your name the whole entire time it rang.
wishing that it would stop shaking so the strange guilt would pass.

sometimes i wish i were you, just so i could see you.

right now i am listening to 'back in yr head.'
when i get a new computer on tuesday(hopefully) i will burn you a CD of The Con and other additional songs.
i'll make you a big christmas package. with candy and letters and cd's and postcards and other grand stuff....

but heres the deal: you have to promise me that you put it on your ipod.
or whatever form of being able to listen through earphones.

or, blast it.
here's the other deal: DON'T listen to the song 'i was married.'
its boring, and im not sure why they put it on their album.

reese just texted me.
i dont get excited when i see her name anymore.
im just curious as to what she has to say and why she did.
it was a picture of her face and she had a black eye.
her words arent working today.
her cuteness isnt.

if i ever start falling for her again, this is what i'll do:
i won't admit it and wont excercise the thoughts and provoking words.
i need to contain my self and i need rules for myself.
i wish i had a more sensible conscience.
it wanders too much.

i just told her i like you.
she said "that sucks. she loves her man. although me and her are gonna bang in front of josh. he said we could."

hah..way to try and bring me down.
im not replying.

im offf!
oh and im extremely EXCITED for the sister coming home on thursday/friday.
five weeks she'll be home.

yay.


'maybe i would have been something you'd be good at.'
i want to tell reese that.
'you're not worth my time.'

I Fell in Love

i feel like i havent updated in years.

i thought i'd get over with the every-blog question 'whatsgoingonwithreesetoday?' so i can move on with stuff that will leave my eyes empty.

she, in return, made me a mix of random songs. 'reese flavor.'
i have taken a seriously strange liking to the songs 'linger' by the cranberries, and butterfly flicking 'fade into you' by mazzy star.

"you know im such a fool for you.
you've got me wrapped around your finger.
do you have to let it linger?
do you have to?"


you told me to listen to 'fade into you' and pay attention to the lyrics.
i wasn't while listening, because sometimes i didnt know what she was singing, but i just looked up some of the lyrics.

"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath thats true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
Youll come apart and youll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with whats not there.

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew

A strangers light comes on slowly
A strangers heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
I think its strange you never knew"

are you trying to tell me through these lyrics that i'm afraid?
that i'm showing something i don't really have?
i texted you 'you had this song on your profile when you were in love with me.'
you ignored it and asked me how i liked the song by afroman on there.
you've got your eye on someone else. luigi.
...and quite frankly i'm not bothered.
must mean something.
my stomach still sinks, but it's been doing that all day for reasons i'll tell in a bit.



my moms being a total betch tonight.
she wont talk, she wont smile. she didnt eat.
she wont answer my questions.
like she found out something TERRIBLE i did.
maybe she did.


today, i learned two things.

#1: i'm in way more in love with females' voices than most males'.
not scared to admit it.
current bands: tegan & sara. the dresden dolls.
current songs: look above.
all by women.
i've actually known this for a very long time, just never thought about it.



#2: the most important lesson to date.
i learned today that you can be in Love with something else besides a person.
i am in Love with last night.
i am in Love with how Tegan constantly looked over at me. she had the crew turn on the lights dimly so she could look up at the balcony.
i am in Love with how tall i am; the only reason in the world for Tegan to see me.
i am in Love with how i was one of the only few dancing and belting out lyrics to every song at the top of my lungs.
i am in Love with how she waved at me when i waved at her.
i am in Love with how some people looked at me strangely.
i am in Love with the seats we got.
i am in Love with how i went up to the blonde guitarist chick from the opening band 'northern state' and hugged her after the concert.
i am in Love with how happy i was when tegan and sara walked on stage.
i am in Love with how they came back for an encore because the crowd was so fucking loud. (which included walking with a ghost, the living room, and i know i know i know)
to put it into simple words, i am in LOVE with every single second of last night.
from the opening band, to the main band. to mine, alex's, caitlin's and vinnies 'after party' at alexs apartment.
we all ate pizza, vitamin water, and chocolate pudding.


last night was one of the best nights of my life.
i miss last night.
i LOVE last night.
THAT'S why my stomach has been sinking all day.
because i miss it so much.


dear God, tegan and sara are the most amazing individuals on the planet in my book.






PS. guess whose most amazing night was spent completely sober?


goodnight friends.

putting holes in happiness

this sounds pathetic, but i can't remember the last time i cried over her.

...i decided that this is MY blog, not a devoting thirty-entried letter towards HER...
so this won't be for ''YOU'' anymore...it's for ME. and hammy..

sometimes i just can't help myself.
i constantly throw her questioning looks across the street.
because i always feel her staring at us.


(4, 5 days till concert)
(4, 5 days till i have a chance to maybe see the girl from kelseyville)


i imagine what she's talking about at the moment.
i hear her words in my head, even when they aren't real.
i hear her saying 'ohhh my god. last night was crazy' and then laughing with michaela.
i hear her bragging 'dayyuuumm we were fucked UP.'
i hear her talking shit about people. 'she needs to learn not to wear those pants.'
i hear her mouth going on and on about the same stuff.

it's come to the point where i can predict what a conversation with michaela and her would be when i'm there.

what else do they talk about?
boys. hints from reese about girls because she doesn't want michaela to know who she really is.
her best friend doesn't know her best-kept-secret.

why does she consider me a friend?
i'm her second choice. always.



i'm your gold when you could have emerald.



i want her to regret this. i want to pull through and make her regret this.
i want her to regret all the shit she's put me through.
she doesn't fucking deserve to have this effect on people.
who says she should have the priviledge to break our hearts?


i want the three cheers for sweet revenge.


something else i think is just plain bizarre:
she's trying to get back with laura for another night.


no PS.

revolve/re-evolve IT

i realize that most of my titles dont make sense to my reader(s)...
don't feel alone, they don't make sense to me either.

look i rhymed

here are the rules: if i end up liking this blog, i'll tell you to go read.
here are the rules: if i think it's decent, i will simply say 'blogd.'
here are the rules: if its terrible and not what i hoped for, i'll let you discover it on your own.

how's that sound?




i should be in bed.
late night habits have turned into a trait over this past week.
it's hard to type quietly when my mind is ranting.
funny.. i'm not ranting at all.
i came here looking for something to do, to try and get something out of me.


there's something in me i can't get out.
do you ever feel like that?
there's something i NEED to write about, i know IT is there.
but i just don't know what IT is.
IT will transform this blog into something heavy and pathetic, which i don't want.


in other words, IT needs to be pulled aside, read, viewed, analyzed, and then tossed away into cyberspace.
like something you want to see for yourself, but not for others. in a selfish manner, not a fear of embarrassment.


does IT make sense?
maybe IT is what i'm writing about right now.


. . . but IT is still there.
my head is spinning. i'm having a grueling battle/search for IT.

hmm. i think i like this blog so far. maybe i'll tell you to read it.


JINX. rewind, please?
i could if i wanted to.
but backspace would erase IT.


here's the deal: if i become a vampire, i'll need followers. i can use you.

getting off topic. this blog is different than the other ones.
mostly because, for once, i'm writing about what's inside my head, not the world surrounding it.


am i writing about feelings? no. not today.
feelings are contageous to your own self.
i don't want to create a bigger prism of feelings.

IT is already big enough. in fact, i could probably break IT off into pieces and share it with all of you...

please? take your share of feelings.
they'll make you miserable. i promise.



what if it was possible to go around town onto people's doorsteps and sharing parts of this prism? like you could feel IT?
feel the feelings?
what if i could go around SELLING feelings?

i could make it into cake and fool all of you.


a slice of youth and happiness for the old fart.
a slice of desperation for the slut.


i COULD probably sell IT to you.
once i get my hands on IT.


dragging on about the mystery of IT is making me sleepy...
so i think i'll go to bed now.
maybe i'll post about IT tomorrow.

maybe not?

***POOOF.

i'm off.

PS. again, i don't have patience or phalanges stamina to leave a clinch on you kids.
eyes are closing. goodnight.

okay now i have a PS.

PS. you expected this to be about you, right?
i think everyone did.