hammy. i want you to be with me at home, and at school.
you can always be the one to say to me "you look like you need to blog."
like my own little four-foot-ten CONscious.
this is the floorplan i made for reese: everything you say either makes me angry, depressed, or fucking jealous.
it's amazing how sweet i am to you when you're feeling fucked, but how careless you act towards me when you can tell something's up.
i dont think it's hard to look at me.
sure i may not be a pretty sight,
but it's nice to be respected and acknowledged like you actually know me.
because, if you haven't noticed, you do.
i'm tired of your mood swings. i'm tired of your personality shifts.
and i'm sick of you.
it's hard to get my point across. but bottom line, you get to me, reese.
you just fucking get to me.
i now know, hammy, what it feels like to want to rip out your own veins.
but do you know what it's like to want to rip out someone else's?
flipped you off today behind your back.
glad you noticed.
just received a forward from gabi.
send it to ten people and something will make you very happy.
i wish things were as simple as forwarding a text times ten.
just started feeling woozy. dizzy. real tired.
gave you the two other cd's of it was you and so jealous.
thought i'd be nice cause you were all sad.
i regret doing favors like that for you.
velvet boxes of chocolates and candy roses.
things you take for granted, you know, the usual...
quote of the day "It's not about who wins or loses, it's about chance."
...i've already lost.
but it's coming for you one day.
it does for everyone.
you're going to fucking lose, reese.
that'll be the best day of my life.
i just want you to experience one moment of the horror and depression that YOU put me through.
you need a fucking personality makeover, and one huge reality check.
friends? would you like to know what i did when vinnie left?
went into my room and fucking cried.
fucking balled.
"ohhhhhh, it's what you do to me..."
that line is no use for me anymore.
it's not the butterfly effect,
i just want you to Eat A Dick.
a part of me wants to bitch you out and throw you off a cliff.
the other part of me just wants to say Fuck You, you're not worth my time.
So far, the second one's winning.
PS. Speak slow is my favorite.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Encircle me, I need to be taken down
stomping home in the pouring rain with The Con blasting in my ears.
grey clouds. slanted raindrops. wind.
converse. amazing jacket --which surprisingly when i watched The Con music video, tegan has one very similar.. ca ching ;) --
[it may or may not have been on purpose]
anyways. converse. amazing jacket. old man sweater. and my green jeans.
sometimes i amaze myself with my bizarre choices of wardrobe.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.
stomping.
heart pounding.
heart breaking.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.
anger filling the face.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.
The Con makes the walk so much better, and surprisingly even the song itself, as though it couldn't get any better.
walking to the thump thump of the drums.
when you look straight down at your feet and watch them walk, it looks like you're looking through a fish eyes lens.
rain is an amazing CONcept.
can't wait for the CONcert.
this wasn't much of an update.
maybe tomorrow.
PS: <3
grey clouds. slanted raindrops. wind.
converse. amazing jacket --which surprisingly when i watched The Con music video, tegan has one very similar.. ca ching ;) --
[it may or may not have been on purpose]
anyways. converse. amazing jacket. old man sweater. and my green jeans.
sometimes i amaze myself with my bizarre choices of wardrobe.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.
stomping.
heart pounding.
heart breaking.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.
anger filling the face.
but i love it, i love it, i love it.
The Con makes the walk so much better, and surprisingly even the song itself, as though it couldn't get any better.
walking to the thump thump of the drums.
when you look straight down at your feet and watch them walk, it looks like you're looking through a fish eyes lens.
rain is an amazing CONcept.
can't wait for the CONcert.
this wasn't much of an update.
maybe tomorrow.
PS: <3
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Into the ocean...
her casket was white and gold with a large bundle of pink flowers on the top.
..she's the cute blonde one.
the room didn't fit two thousand people.
but we squeezed them in there.
impossible is just a word.
standing and seeing them carry the coffin while listening to "in the arms of an angel" through the speakers makes it extremely, extremely hard to contain your tears.
lips trembling, water grasping onto my eyes just by its miniscus, but when it got too thick, it poured.
i haven't been to a funeral since i was 6, before today.
i realized that all her friends and family had one common thing i knew:
she was always, always smiling.
despite her condition, despite her adversities, she was smiling.
all the time.
"she was told her time was limited, she was told she might die, but she refused to let it kill her dream."
she had a petition for animal rights, or something, that she wanted the president to see.
they told times of when she and her best friends were all in one room talking about boys and drama and hatred, and she got mad and yelled at everyone "i just love everyone okay! stop fighting!"
and the crowd laughed.
anyone who would try to avoid seeing her in the newspaper would not succeed.
they had amazing speakers who were pastors at the funeral, hammy.
you should have heard them.
"sara beth" by rascal flatts was courtney's requested song:
SaraBeth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruise it just wont go away
So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
'Til the nurse with a smile stands at the door
And says "Will you please come with me?"
SaraBeth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you
Six chances in ten it wont come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved it's the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time
SaraBeth closes her eyes
And she dreams she dancin' around and around
Without any cares
And her very first love
Is holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair
SaraBeth is scared to death
as she sits holding her mom
cause It would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom
For just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
Yet She cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
SaraBeth closes her eyes
And she dreams she dancin' around and around
With out any cares
And her very first love
Was holding her close
And the soft wind was blowing her hair
It's quarter to seven
that boy's at the door
Her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap they all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly she touches just skin
They go dancin' around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love
Is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared
love,
Chris
..she's the cute blonde one.
the room didn't fit two thousand people.
but we squeezed them in there.
impossible is just a word.
standing and seeing them carry the coffin while listening to "in the arms of an angel" through the speakers makes it extremely, extremely hard to contain your tears.
lips trembling, water grasping onto my eyes just by its miniscus, but when it got too thick, it poured.
i haven't been to a funeral since i was 6, before today.
i realized that all her friends and family had one common thing i knew:
she was always, always smiling.
despite her condition, despite her adversities, she was smiling.
all the time.
"she was told her time was limited, she was told she might die, but she refused to let it kill her dream."
she had a petition for animal rights, or something, that she wanted the president to see.
they told times of when she and her best friends were all in one room talking about boys and drama and hatred, and she got mad and yelled at everyone "i just love everyone okay! stop fighting!"
and the crowd laughed.
anyone who would try to avoid seeing her in the newspaper would not succeed.
they had amazing speakers who were pastors at the funeral, hammy.
you should have heard them.
"sara beth" by rascal flatts was courtney's requested song:
SaraBeth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruise it just wont go away
So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
'Til the nurse with a smile stands at the door
And says "Will you please come with me?"
SaraBeth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you
Six chances in ten it wont come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved it's the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time
SaraBeth closes her eyes
And she dreams she dancin' around and around
Without any cares
And her very first love
Is holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair
SaraBeth is scared to death
as she sits holding her mom
cause It would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom
For just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
Yet She cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
SaraBeth closes her eyes
And she dreams she dancin' around and around
With out any cares
And her very first love
Was holding her close
And the soft wind was blowing her hair
It's quarter to seven
that boy's at the door
Her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap they all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly she touches just skin
They go dancin' around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love
Is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared
love,
Chris
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Flash
i havent been swept over with the grief of a person's death in a long time.
not since my granny died.
i was sitting in the back seat with breanna, caitlin's friend, a girl i've only met three times.
robin was sitting in the passengers seat, caitlin was driving.
i looked down admiring my new shoes, thinking of how simple they were.
just staring at them.
robins phone rings and its my mom. into their conversation, i hear robin gasp.
"oh...that's..that's terrible. that's so sad. i'll make sure and tell chris."
lifted up my face in alertness. caitlin kept saying "did cynthia die?!" (my hamster.)
he gets off the phone and says "courtney passed away this morning."
surrealism overtakes your brain,
overwhelmed.
cupped my mouth and let the tears pour down my cheeks.
looked out the window at the night sky and watched the rain as we sped down the highway.
i heard the 'that's so sad." i heard the 'who's courtney?' from breanna.
i looked out the window and thought of her on the way to fresh choice.
not saying anything, snorting, sniffing "oh my god.."
i remember the candlelight we had for her at the plaza when everyone first got the news she had cancer.
i remember seeing her at the football game.
i looked at her for a moment, not recognizing her because of the weight she had lost.
she was covering up her baldness with a beanie, from the chemotherapy..
i yelled "COURTNEY?!"
she yelled "CHRIS?!" and i ran up and embraced her.
i remember walking into rays. looked to my left, saw her beanie covered head, she turned around.
she was with her best friend alanna and shelby.
they were giggling and yelling 'CHRIS CHRISS!!'
i remember when vinnie and i were walking home on a FUCKING HOT day.
she drove up beside us in a minivan, and said "chris! vinnie! do you guys want a ride?"
we accepted graciously.
she was still wearing the beanie.
she was always smiling.
she was so fucking sweet.
with her baldness came insecurity, though.
but many, many, many of her friends came together, including the girls, and shaved off ALL their hair just for courtney.
so she wouldnt feel alone.
she was a part of everyone's lives in cloverdale.
she had the whole town behind her for support.
everyone loved her.
her blonde hair, her freckles.
just last week we drove by the huge pole that holds the electronic sign by the citrus fair.
the first flash said 'HELP" the second said 'COURTNEY' the third said 'FIGHT.'
not courtney davis, no. just courtney. EVERYONE knew who she was.
another thing, too..she lived right around the corner from me, up the small hill.
i was walking past her house a week and a half ago, and there was a huge sign on her garage door that said 'WELCOME HOME COURTNEY.'
she had just gotten back from texas, for treatment.
when we got out of the car by fresh choice, by which time i had mostly stopped crying, caitlin got out and opened her arms for a hug.
i put my head on her shoulders and burst into tears again.
"she's in a better place now, she doesn't have to suffer, she won't be in pain..."
coming from all three of them.
walked in to fresh choice and forgot the way it felt to walk into somewhere public and see people staring at you with strange looks. because your face is red and tearstained.
my friend died, you fucking assholes.
she was sixteen years old.
rock on courtney. we love you.
not since my granny died.
i was sitting in the back seat with breanna, caitlin's friend, a girl i've only met three times.
robin was sitting in the passengers seat, caitlin was driving.
i looked down admiring my new shoes, thinking of how simple they were.
just staring at them.
robins phone rings and its my mom. into their conversation, i hear robin gasp.
"oh...that's..that's terrible. that's so sad. i'll make sure and tell chris."
lifted up my face in alertness. caitlin kept saying "did cynthia die?!" (my hamster.)
he gets off the phone and says "courtney passed away this morning."
surrealism overtakes your brain,
overwhelmed.
cupped my mouth and let the tears pour down my cheeks.
looked out the window at the night sky and watched the rain as we sped down the highway.
i heard the 'that's so sad." i heard the 'who's courtney?' from breanna.
i looked out the window and thought of her on the way to fresh choice.
not saying anything, snorting, sniffing "oh my god.."
i remember the candlelight we had for her at the plaza when everyone first got the news she had cancer.
i remember seeing her at the football game.
i looked at her for a moment, not recognizing her because of the weight she had lost.
she was covering up her baldness with a beanie, from the chemotherapy..
i yelled "COURTNEY?!"
she yelled "CHRIS?!" and i ran up and embraced her.
i remember walking into rays. looked to my left, saw her beanie covered head, she turned around.
she was with her best friend alanna and shelby.
they were giggling and yelling 'CHRIS CHRISS!!'
i remember when vinnie and i were walking home on a FUCKING HOT day.
she drove up beside us in a minivan, and said "chris! vinnie! do you guys want a ride?"
we accepted graciously.
she was still wearing the beanie.
she was always smiling.
she was so fucking sweet.
with her baldness came insecurity, though.
but many, many, many of her friends came together, including the girls, and shaved off ALL their hair just for courtney.
so she wouldnt feel alone.
she was a part of everyone's lives in cloverdale.
she had the whole town behind her for support.
everyone loved her.
her blonde hair, her freckles.
just last week we drove by the huge pole that holds the electronic sign by the citrus fair.
the first flash said 'HELP" the second said 'COURTNEY' the third said 'FIGHT.'
not courtney davis, no. just courtney. EVERYONE knew who she was.
another thing, too..she lived right around the corner from me, up the small hill.
i was walking past her house a week and a half ago, and there was a huge sign on her garage door that said 'WELCOME HOME COURTNEY.'
she had just gotten back from texas, for treatment.
when we got out of the car by fresh choice, by which time i had mostly stopped crying, caitlin got out and opened her arms for a hug.
i put my head on her shoulders and burst into tears again.
"she's in a better place now, she doesn't have to suffer, she won't be in pain..."
coming from all three of them.
walked in to fresh choice and forgot the way it felt to walk into somewhere public and see people staring at you with strange looks. because your face is red and tearstained.
my friend died, you fucking assholes.
she was sixteen years old.
rock on courtney. we love you.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Bazooka Blow my mind...
sentimental over reese lately.
not swooning, not lovesick...just memories.
memories include whorish, stupid, and sweet things she's said and done. all sorts of amazing and terrible things.
it would have lasted even longer if she would have loved me back.
...whatever.
i've got someone else blowing my mind lately, even if they'll never come around and give me a chance to blow their mind, because they've got someone else blowing their mind...
a chain, in simple words. an extremely solid one.
jishua is the lock on the chain. way at the top.
solid fucking gold.
"you lahv me, you LOVE jish."
i bought tegan & sara's older CD's "so jealous" and "if it was you"
there's this song on if it was you called You Went Away.
the lyrics describe almost exactly what reese did to me:
You went away
Cause you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this
forever
Is there more to life than love and being
together?
You went away
Cause you said you couldn't love me
I went away
Cause all I do is love you
you hear the very beginning of this song and expect the promising giddy little tune.
but the words come right in, and after you hear the first two lines, your mind immediately goes "Aw.."
it's like watching a little girl crying because she dropped her ice cream in the dirt, and you can't do anything about it.
it's that sort of feeling when i listen to this song.
the guilty feeling, and you want to magic a couple dollars out of your pocket and buy a beautiful new ice cream cone filled with chocolatey deliciousness.
it correlates to me picking up tegan's little lesbian heart and gluing it all back together and giving her a warm hug afterwards.
with bittersweet smiles and "poor baby"s.
browsed onto reese's profile and saw the title of her song.
"you were my everything."
i get curious to see why she chooses these songs.
i know when she dedicates them to me, just by the lyrics..
she's admitted it once.
i'm inbetween the lines on this one. can't decide if she liked it, or she's feeling sentimental also..:
This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just... I don’t even know
Just listen…
You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel
...anyways. saw the picture of her and sam lemley.
i remembered the time when reese and i walked out of her room and saw sam on the couch chatting with her friends.
i was spreading icing over cake, and i heard someone whisper quietly "chris KYRIAKOS? nick's brother..?"
i turned around and sam was looking at me with this look like she had just seen a train wreck.
she darted her head away quickly. the room was dead silent.
the rest of that night, as i sat on reese's couch in the Living Room, i could see sam in the corner of my eye.
she kept glancing over at me.
it's sort of creepy. she's like 19.
and when quincey said "Dad can you see my boobs?"
i looked over, of course, like any boy would...
sam said out loud 'hah chris looked...!"
i shrugged.
lets say goodnight.
PS. holy shet, i can't believe i'm going to europe this summer...
not swooning, not lovesick...just memories.
memories include whorish, stupid, and sweet things she's said and done. all sorts of amazing and terrible things.
it would have lasted even longer if she would have loved me back.
...whatever.
i've got someone else blowing my mind lately, even if they'll never come around and give me a chance to blow their mind, because they've got someone else blowing their mind...
a chain, in simple words. an extremely solid one.
jishua is the lock on the chain. way at the top.
solid fucking gold.
"you lahv me, you LOVE jish."
i bought tegan & sara's older CD's "so jealous" and "if it was you"
there's this song on if it was you called You Went Away.
the lyrics describe almost exactly what reese did to me:
You went away
Cause you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this
forever
Is there more to life than love and being
together?
You went away
Cause you said you couldn't love me
I went away
Cause all I do is love you
you hear the very beginning of this song and expect the promising giddy little tune.
but the words come right in, and after you hear the first two lines, your mind immediately goes "Aw.."
it's like watching a little girl crying because she dropped her ice cream in the dirt, and you can't do anything about it.
it's that sort of feeling when i listen to this song.
the guilty feeling, and you want to magic a couple dollars out of your pocket and buy a beautiful new ice cream cone filled with chocolatey deliciousness.
it correlates to me picking up tegan's little lesbian heart and gluing it all back together and giving her a warm hug afterwards.
with bittersweet smiles and "poor baby"s.
browsed onto reese's profile and saw the title of her song.
"you were my everything."
i get curious to see why she chooses these songs.
i know when she dedicates them to me, just by the lyrics..
she's admitted it once.
i'm inbetween the lines on this one. can't decide if she liked it, or she's feeling sentimental also..:
This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just... I don’t even know
Just listen…
You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel
...anyways. saw the picture of her and sam lemley.
i remembered the time when reese and i walked out of her room and saw sam on the couch chatting with her friends.
i was spreading icing over cake, and i heard someone whisper quietly "chris KYRIAKOS? nick's brother..?"
i turned around and sam was looking at me with this look like she had just seen a train wreck.
she darted her head away quickly. the room was dead silent.
the rest of that night, as i sat on reese's couch in the Living Room, i could see sam in the corner of my eye.
she kept glancing over at me.
it's sort of creepy. she's like 19.
and when quincey said "Dad can you see my boobs?"
i looked over, of course, like any boy would...
sam said out loud 'hah chris looked...!"
i shrugged.
lets say goodnight.
PS. holy shet, i can't believe i'm going to europe this summer...
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