putting holes in happiness

this sounds pathetic, but i can't remember the last time i cried over her.

...i decided that this is MY blog, not a devoting thirty-entried letter towards HER...
so this won't be for ''YOU'' anymore...it's for ME. and hammy..

sometimes i just can't help myself.
i constantly throw her questioning looks across the street.
because i always feel her staring at us.


(4, 5 days till concert)
(4, 5 days till i have a chance to maybe see the girl from kelseyville)


i imagine what she's talking about at the moment.
i hear her words in my head, even when they aren't real.
i hear her saying 'ohhh my god. last night was crazy' and then laughing with michaela.
i hear her bragging 'dayyuuumm we were fucked UP.'
i hear her talking shit about people. 'she needs to learn not to wear those pants.'
i hear her mouth going on and on about the same stuff.

it's come to the point where i can predict what a conversation with michaela and her would be when i'm there.

what else do they talk about?
boys. hints from reese about girls because she doesn't want michaela to know who she really is.
her best friend doesn't know her best-kept-secret.

why does she consider me a friend?
i'm her second choice. always.



i'm your gold when you could have emerald.



i want her to regret this. i want to pull through and make her regret this.
i want her to regret all the shit she's put me through.
she doesn't fucking deserve to have this effect on people.
who says she should have the priviledge to break our hearts?


i want the three cheers for sweet revenge.


something else i think is just plain bizarre:
she's trying to get back with laura for another night.


no PS.

revolve/re-evolve IT

i realize that most of my titles dont make sense to my reader(s)...
don't feel alone, they don't make sense to me either.

look i rhymed

here are the rules: if i end up liking this blog, i'll tell you to go read.
here are the rules: if i think it's decent, i will simply say 'blogd.'
here are the rules: if its terrible and not what i hoped for, i'll let you discover it on your own.

how's that sound?




i should be in bed.
late night habits have turned into a trait over this past week.
it's hard to type quietly when my mind is ranting.
funny.. i'm not ranting at all.
i came here looking for something to do, to try and get something out of me.


there's something in me i can't get out.
do you ever feel like that?
there's something i NEED to write about, i know IT is there.
but i just don't know what IT is.
IT will transform this blog into something heavy and pathetic, which i don't want.


in other words, IT needs to be pulled aside, read, viewed, analyzed, and then tossed away into cyberspace.
like something you want to see for yourself, but not for others. in a selfish manner, not a fear of embarrassment.


does IT make sense?
maybe IT is what i'm writing about right now.


. . . but IT is still there.
my head is spinning. i'm having a grueling battle/search for IT.

hmm. i think i like this blog so far. maybe i'll tell you to read it.


JINX. rewind, please?
i could if i wanted to.
but backspace would erase IT.


here's the deal: if i become a vampire, i'll need followers. i can use you.

getting off topic. this blog is different than the other ones.
mostly because, for once, i'm writing about what's inside my head, not the world surrounding it.


am i writing about feelings? no. not today.
feelings are contageous to your own self.
i don't want to create a bigger prism of feelings.

IT is already big enough. in fact, i could probably break IT off into pieces and share it with all of you...

please? take your share of feelings.
they'll make you miserable. i promise.



what if it was possible to go around town onto people's doorsteps and sharing parts of this prism? like you could feel IT?
feel the feelings?
what if i could go around SELLING feelings?

i could make it into cake and fool all of you.


a slice of youth and happiness for the old fart.
a slice of desperation for the slut.


i COULD probably sell IT to you.
once i get my hands on IT.


dragging on about the mystery of IT is making me sleepy...
so i think i'll go to bed now.
maybe i'll post about IT tomorrow.

maybe not?

***POOOF.

i'm off.

PS. again, i don't have patience or phalanges stamina to leave a clinch on you kids.
eyes are closing. goodnight.

okay now i have a PS.

PS. you expected this to be about you, right?
i think everyone did.

november going on december

i'm planning to keep this blog short.


i read your blogs. felt like browsing onto it and seeing if you had updated without telling me.
you did. it gave me something to do for a couple minutes.
analyzing it, reviewing the past ones.
'my emotions change faster than the latest trends.'
. . . i like that one.



i didnt get to see my sister much, either. it sucks because i was actually planning on it.
she was with jason in santa rosa for four days straight. she leaves to chico tonight.


i did get today with her, though.
we sat and played viva pinata all day. i made her teriyaki chicken.
she's still playing it a few feet behind me, winning new animals and expanding her garden, blurting random words that refer to nothing i know of.


i think about how sick i get (stick it on jealousy) of your words to jish.
i wonder how much more sickening it must be to read MY blogs, watching me complain, day after day, then turning around and writing love notes.
its because my emotions change faster than the latest trends.
that's why i like that one, hammy.



i'm bored with myself. i'm bored with the sun. i'm bored with cloverdale.
this list could go on forever.
life at home in cloverdale hasn't been satisfying for the past couple days.
feel like i'm invisible.



this break has gone by way, way, way, too fast.



my life consists of music and food. and that is not a damn lie.


i've started the ten-day countdown towards the tegan and sara concert.
i'm kind of wishing it will be postponed, because after december fifth, what will i have to look forward to? christmas?
not really.
christmas break, more like it. . . alright. i've convinced myself. i'm excited for christmas break.


still hoping that on the day of december fifth we can stop in your town.


i'm off. this blog has no patience for a PS.