occasionally june.

it hurts sometimes to be told you're doing nothing with your life.
especially when you hear it from one of your brother's drunk friends,
and then having to agree with him.
he stated that, took a paddle and smacked me with it while i tried to run away,
flinched in pain, and dropped my ipod.
my brother and chase both stood there chuckling.
i sat down at my crutch[aka my piano]
busted out 'the kill'
and sang at the top of my fucking lungs.
i dont think they cared, so i was happy.

i was outside a couple a days ago on my porch, with my mom and caitlin.
caitlin sat on the steps and said 'it looks like you're a little sunburnt on the bottom of your leg'
i looked at it, just kind of a red blob or some demonic skin disease,
and my mom said 'oh yeah, sunburnt from playing the piano.'
they giggled and i went inside.
i hate implications that say 'you're lame'
i'm tired of people laughing at me.
i guess im just one big walking joke.

i've slowly started doing my seasonal just-feel-like-doing-because-i-have-nothing-else-better-to-do art project.
i started it last weekend.
i went into my closet and lifted up an extremely heavy cart-like box of old childrens' books of mine and my siblings'.
i didnt ask permission if i could rip up their childhood,
but they wont notice because they're too busy being with their friends,
in other words, doing every thing i'm not doing.
so i'm cutting out pieces that i figure have potential to be in an all-meaning random collage.
of everything that appeals to me, whether it be floating balloons, organized words, or swinging circus people
and skulls.
i plan to find a good-sized background that will be hopefully something i just find off the internet,
[black and white] and paste pictures and words randomly around the focal point.
then, when i'm done piling things on, i can scan it..
i can love it..
i can admire it..
do nothing with it,
or do anything and everything with it.
i could walk around town carrying it, go up to random people and say
'hello, do you like my art?' and see them make a disgusted face and walk away.
go up to teenagers in trucks and say 'ya dig?!'
and then get beaten up and left in the grass in the plaza.
maybe hang it on my wall or bedroom door,
or glue it to my mirror, or let it sit in the kitchen until someone throws it away unnoticingly.
maybe i can bring it to places and ask them to hang it up in the window,
and they'll look at me with pity, smirk and say 'of course'
enough arting out.

today i was driving robin's truck all over the levy.
it's kind of gladifying knowing that in a couple years, i can get my license.

mmm. . .

a graduate's dance.

i walked awkwardly through the cramped aisles with cherise in the middle and jeremy on the other side.
we held arms and made our way through, and i hit little girls in the head accidentally.

i sat proudly at the back row, being clearly visible to the whole audience, sweating my face off from the heat inside my gown.
i could see everyone but you. to see how disappointed yet glad to see that you werent there, you would have had to see me.
i wanted you to see me toss my diploma.

we walked outside, and saw all the family and friends.
in almost every picture that was taken of me, my eyes were averted towards the crowd looking for you.

we all went out to la hacienda.
i had some beautiful enchiladas.

i showed up 'fashionably late' to the dance at about 9:30.
"she was here looking for you," yanely said when i sat down.
"she was?"
"yeah, but she left."
i sat there and just thought for a moment.
and i sat there some more and ate some cake and daquiri.
but i saw your face for an instant at the door.
i looked back, and i saw you again.
"is that her?!" i yelled to vinnie.
i jumped out of my seat and followed her out.
vinnie rushed after me and went up to reese quietly asking if she liked me.
dumb vinnie..he makes things pretty awkward. but i thank him for the truth.
"she doesnt know," he said.
i pretended that i was busy on my phone texting.
"wait, hold on" i said quietly as that sunk into my brain.
she doesnt know? how can she not know?
but isnt that how i feel about her?..well, it cant be because im thinking about her constantly.
"theyre leaving" vinnie said
i went out the gate
"you're leaving?"
reese and michaela stood there.
"dur its the last day of school." she said
"good point. where you goin?"
"we're probably gonna go get fucked up"
"hm.., thats pretty cool.?"
"your feet are fucking huge" reese said
"yeah i know!"
she placed her cheetah-slipper-covered foot by mine.
"lets compare."

then i stood next to her, and looked down.
the way it makes me feel looking down on her a good four inches yet still feeling so small really beats me.
"hhah shut up! im gonna give you a titty twister in a moment." she said.
i smiled and said "well give me a hug!"
i hunched over a tad, bent my knees and actually embraced her.
im not sure if she felt it; time just stopped because of that hug. [from just a hug, chris?..pretty sad,,]
i lingered for a second before saying "is this a good hug?"
the equal amount of time went by before saying professionally "you're getting better chris."
and then we let go and she was gone.
"i havent seen you in like a year michaela," i said.
"i know! bye!"

i walked back into the dance.
my phone vibrated and i opened it:
beautiful hug. your ginormous.



why are you so perfect?
why are you so fucked up?
i think for some reason i feel like im wrong about you, and i ignore all your dirty business and feel like i can change you.

you baffle me, beautiful.
i baffle myself.